When Push Comes To Love
I've been dating a 55-year-old guy for a year. I have two teenage boys; he has no kids. He initially mentioned marriage but now doesn't want to "rush" moving in with me and my boys. As a first step, he's moving closer. He just signed a lease on an apartment near me. I love him, but I'm overwhelmed handling two teenagers alone. Should I tell him he needs to speed up the pace?
--Questioning His Commitment
If a relationship leads to an outpouring of feelings, a man tends to prefer "You're the love of my life!" to "Screw you! You're not my real dad!"
Perhaps because you're seeing this through "I need a break!"-colored glasses, you confuse being careful with not caring. But zoologist Amotz Zahavi has some good news for you. His research finds that when a message involves some expense to the sender, it's more likely to be for real. For example, anyone can claim they're committed, but as the saying goes, talk is cheap. Moving, however, is not. It's costly. Stressful. Horrible. Especially if you are older than 21 and own more than a sleeping bag, a Nintendo, and a couple of bongs.
Your boyfriend may ultimately decide that the package here isn't for him, but pressuring him is unlikely to help. In fact, it's likely to pressure him right out of your life. There's a reason he doesn't have kids, and it probably isn't that he was too put off by the possibility of life imprisonment to kidnap a few at the mall.
When the women I'm trying to meet learn that I don't have kids, they call it a "red flag". They're the same people who say they'd never do it over again, either.
jefe at November 8, 2016 6:03 PM
Where is the actual father? I would run for the hills... being overwhelmed by taking care of your own kids, is not a great reason to push someone into moving in.Yikes.
Yolobubbles at November 8, 2016 7:13 PM
Hope that the guy recognizes that it is much better for him to be her "escape" date. The work week is bad enough w/o enabling her w/built-in kid sitting.
A weekend or overnight date is all he needs. There is no upside for him to move in w/her. None whatsoever. Teenagers are awful little creatures.
In 5 years they should be gone and then maybe they should get hitched. Or not depending on their "adult" needs/lives. If they become "boomerang" kids he still might want to
Bob in Texas at November 9, 2016 8:48 AM
Obviously it depends on the kids, but in general teenagers are nasty little boogers devouring everything in their path at the parent's expense. It is much better for him to be her "escape" date.
In 5 years they should be gone and then maybe they should get hitched. Or not depending on their "adult" needs/lives. If they become "boomerang" kids he still might want to stay away.
It would be much better for him financially to stay away. (Sucks to be LW but she might move on to another "Sugar Daddy" and save him from this fate.)
Bob in Texas at November 9, 2016 8:55 AM
That guy needs to run far, run fast, and never look back. I get it, I raised three daughters - divorced from their dad, and hubby #2 passed away when they were still relatively young (1 in high school, 1 in jr. high, and 1 in elementary school). It sucked, and it sucked bad. Their dad lived out of the area, so I was on my own 90% of the time, trying to keep everyone and everything afloat.
I didn't date seriously when my kids were all at home and in school. I had weekend fun dates when they were away at their dad's, but never when they were home, and I certainly wasn't pressuring some guy to move in with me to ease my load.
My daughters are now 28, 26, 22 - they're all married, on their own, and off my payroll. I've been in a serious, grown-up relationship for over a year, and we still aren't ready to move in together. She's lucky that guy cared enough to move closer to her. What Amy said - pressuring him to make that leap may just push him right on out of the picture...if he's smart that is.
sara at November 9, 2016 11:58 AM
At 55 he's not a real safe bet for LW.
Statistically how likely is it that she has to be a live-in nurse in a few years.
Bob in Texas at November 9, 2016 3:44 PM
Statistically how likely is it that she has to be a live-in nurse in a few years.
Unless you're using an awfully broad definition of "few", not very. In my experience, men are unlikely to have serious decrepitude until at least their late 70's, and usually later. (I'm 67, but my circle of friends for the last ten years has mostly been people over 70.)
There is no upside for him to move in w/her. None whatsoever. Teenagers are awful little creatures.
Not the ones I've been a stepfather to. I raised one from age 5 through adulthood, and he was as good a teenager as he was when little. The upside for the LW's boyfriend to move in is that he could develop a fatherly relationship with the boys which turns out to be rewarding for all concerned.
That said, the odds aren't good at his age. When I was 55, my stepson was already 18. I'd been part of the family for 13 years and had had three years in a previous relationship with a divorced mom and her young boys. If this guy has never been a father or stepfather before, age 55 is probably too late to start.
Rex Little at November 9, 2016 9:53 PM
It's not his job to raise her kids. It wouldn't work, either.
They're teenagers. It's unlikely that they will accept him as any sort of father-figure. He's just some random dude who's hanging out with their mother.
If she needs a break, she needs to involve the real father. If he's not available, then maybe some other male family member: grandfather? Uncle?
a_random_guy at November 10, 2016 12:49 AM
The LW's boyfriend should run far and fast. He has no duty to spend his time and resources looking after the unruly spawn of a woman who cannot cope with them. LW is looking for a combination sugar daddy and spawn warden, and he is looking at stepping into a disaster that will suck his time,and savings into a bottomless black-hole. He needs to find a new girlfriend, a single woman with no baggage, no spawn from a previous failed relationship, a woman whose kids are out of the house, proven successes and not likely to boomerang (but he will have to be willing to play second fiddle to her grand children when they start arriving, and always be an awkward, unwanted third wheel at her family gatherings, or find a widow so ex daddy issues will be less malignant).
LW should settle for some poor divorced schnook who already had spawned.
John Bassingate at November 10, 2016 2:46 AM
Hmm. I am conflicted on this one. Personally, I find that the only people I really want to spend time with are my kids. Answering their questions, providing guidance, and knowing I am making a difference in their lives is very fulfilling to me. Yup, sometimes they are snotty, rude and disgusting.
However, I was also there from day one. I have authority and history and all the things which this man lacks. He is going into a HUGE fixer upper house, not his custom built home.
Quick anecdote: In the course of my life, I have met several kids who were raised in less than good homes who were frankly desperate to be in our family circle. Who looked at what my kids had and said 'I want that!' It was not the money. It was the structure and the caring and the dad. Dad Lives Matter.(Props to the single moms. It is a desperate and hard job, like starting a fire without a match or a knife ala Castaway. Let me ask: how badly do you think that Tom Hanks wanted a lighter? That is this lady)
Unfortunately, we were not able to accept more responsibility like that, but I, for one, understand why foster parents do what they do and it isn't for the paltry government checks.
That being said, this isn't about the man. It is about the woman.
She needs to think very hard about what is motivating her to be with this man. If she can't say to herself "I want him in my life even if he is constantly down the block", then she has changed the dynamics of the relationship to something less romantic and more...transactional.
On the one hand, she is offering him a big smelly household of dissention. So she better be bringing something pretty major to the table in that other hand.
She is essentially wanting to emotionally blackmail the guy into helping her lift her burdens. Okay, it happens every day. If he does take this upon himself, she (sorry ladies) needs to be REALLY GRATEFUL. She needs to pull out those pom poms and be a one person cheer section for this guy like Amy is for her guy.
Because this is charity of the soul.
I have a doubt that she will be able to restrain herself from applying pressure. I don't blame her. She has needs too. But it will likely backfire.
FIDO at November 11, 2016 1:51 AM
"She needs to pull out those pom poms and be a one person cheer section for this guy like Amy is for her guy."
That's one thing that makes me cheer for Amy, even when she's obviously nuts about some issue.
Meanwhile - LW, he's waiting for your problems to graduate and move out, possibly hoping that will signal big changes in how you approach him and the rest of your life.
Radwaste at November 12, 2016 7:52 AM
@"At 55 he's not a real safe bet for LW.
Statistically how likely is it that she has to be a live-in nurse in a few years."
This comment reminds me of a cartoon I saw where someone is about to be eaten by a shark, and someone nearby quips, "don't worry, you're more likely to die of a bee sting". She has selected this particular individual not randomly from the population but based on individual traits she has been able to analyze, and I'm guessing she can probably tell if he's overall in quite healthy shape, or out of shape and on the verge of death or other serious health troubles.
I agree with John Bassingate's comments. If he wanted to be a parent to someone else's teenagers, he'd probably already be stepping up to the plate. He probably mainly wants the fun parts of having a girlfriend. My guess is he is seriously interested in her, but not in the whole parenting package. This is why I don't date women with kids.
Lobster at January 3, 2017 11:47 AM
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