My boyfriend of a year is a big sweetheart, but whenever we go out to eat, he always orders first. It really bothers me, and I feel disrespected and embarrassed that people are seeing this, despite how this probably makes me a bad feminist. How do I ask him nicely to let me order first when we dine out?
--Irked
Suddenly, he's shoving you out of the way to get to the lifeboat -- yelling back, "Babe, you'll be fine! You were on the swim team!"
At least, that's the way the older couple next to you are likely to see it when he orders his meal first, and that is embarrassing. Sadly, it doesn't help that feminist academics have deemed customs like women ordering first "benevolent sexism" -- casting women as weak and in need of protection and coddling by men (aka patriarchal cockroaches).
Males, throughout human history and throughout the animal kingdom, did evolve to be the protectors and defenders of women. This makes biological sense, considering that women provide a cozy B&B for the developing fetus, plus liquid refreshment and child care after the kid is born. And even a relatively wimpy man is likely to have more muscle mass, upper-body strength, and aggression-energizing testosterone than most women.
A number of modern behavioral protocols come out of these sex differences. For example, there's how the man's the one to walk closest to the curb, open the car door, and act as a human shield against a gun-toting mugger -- despite how, these days, even the itsy-bitsiest woman can make quick work of an attacker with her sparkly "My Little Pony"-emblazoned Smith & Wesson.
The reality is that the psychology driving these customs, which evolved over millions of years, doesn't just change all "presto gloriasteinemo!" because women now have ways to defend themselves. That's probably why you feel embarrassed about others' eyes on you. Evolutionary psychologist Daniel Sznycer, who researches shame, explains that shame is not just a feeling. It seems to be an information management program that evolved to help us protect our reputation. That feel-bad that rises up in us is a signal that we'd better do something pronto to stop our slide down the social totem pole.
As for how to tell your boyfriend, keep in mind that you can school a guy in social customs but you can't school him in being "a big sweetheart." Use a compliment as your launchpad -- about wonderful things he does for you -- and then throw in a "I know you didn't realize this, but..." This way, it's not so much a criticism as a pointer on how to make you happier.
And the truth is, if you're like a lot of women, you might find it sexy when the physical differences between men and women are emphasized in small symbolic ways like this. No, you aren't a traitor to womankind if you say "Thanks...that's so sweet!" when a guy puts his coat around your shoulders -- instead of "Get that thing off me! I'll do the feminist thing and freeze."
I'm a divorced woman in my 40s, and I just started dating again. I'm seriously tired of it already, after just two dates with two really disappointing guys. I want to cut to the picture in my head -- cuddling on the couch and watching Netflix with my new handsome beau. Meeting somebody shouldn't be this hard. I'm launching a new business, and my time seems better spent working than on some crappy date. But I also don't want to be alone forever.
--Annoyed
Your expectations about how easy it should be to find new love aren't just unrealistic; they're unrealistic by fairy-tale standards. It's "Someday, my prince will come," not "Get crowd control over here pronto for the mob of handsome, fabulous royals who will soon be gathering on my front lawn."
Picturing yourself in the cuddly-wuddly life you feel you should already have may be part of the problem. Motivation researcher Gabriele Oettingen finds that fantasizing is often demotivating -- fooling our mind into believing that we already have the thing we're dreaming of. Oettingen's research makes a case for combining fantasizing with what I'd call "positive pessimism" -- making yourself consider all the things standing in the way of what you want. As Oettingen explains it, thinking concretely about the obstacles we have to overcome helps energize us to tackle them.
The reality is, the older you get and the more you expect from a boyfriend the harder it will be to find one. So either buckle down and prepare for the dating grind or do what it takes to immediately have a life partner who will look at you with great adoration: Give your dog salami.
December 20, 2016This will sound crazy, but...should I tell my girlfriend, the love of my life, that I was abducted by aliens? It happened a long time ago, and I have no proof -- just my own recollection. Yes, it could've been a dream, but even so, it changed how I see things and opened me up to new possibilities. My girlfriend is a schoolteacher and probably wouldn't believe me. Whether she'd still stay with me, I don't know. I want to be completely honest with her. Is that crazy?
--UFO-napped
Strange how nobody ever manages to shoot video when there's an alien spaceship in the vicinity -- perhaps because they're too busy recording that guy, two traffic lanes over, who's picking his nose.
Like you, science historian and Skeptic magazine founder Michael Shermer felt like he had a little meet-'n'-greet with some outer space dudes. However, he realized that his supposed abduction was just the effects of "sleep deprivation and physical exhaustion" because he had just cycled 83 straight hours in a bike-athlon. This -- mixed with a "distant memory" of a TV episode about aliens taking over the earth -- made for what Shermer calls "nothing more than a bizarre hallucination."
Shermer notes that UFOs and alien abductions are "1. unaccepted by most people in astronomy, exobiology" and SETI (the search for extraterrestrial intelligence), "2. extremely unlikely (although not logically impossible), and 3. ... largely based on anecdotal and uncorroborated evidence."
However, Shermer explains, "the human capacity for self-delusion is boundless, and the effects of belief are overpowering" -- leading many people to swear that they actually did go on a ride with the little green men. As "evidence," they'll tell you they have really vivid "memories" -- of, say, the aliens bickering: "Just put him in the trunk of your flying saucer. Nah, got all my intergalactic soccer gear in there. You take him!"
But such "memories" are probably due to what memory researcher Elizabeth Loftus and her colleagues call "imagination inflation." This describes how repeatedly imagining an experience can, over time, lead us to forget that the particular event -- "heyyy, how 'bout them aliens!" -- came out of our imagination or a dream. We can start to believe it really happened.
For example, Loftus and her colleagues told research participants that a dream they'd revealed to the researchers probably meant that they'd had an upsetting experience before the age of 3, "like being bullied by an older child." The participants insisted that they didn't recall anything like that. Yet, about two weeks later, many reported experiencing the bullying they were simply told about -- even offering details on how they were supposedly oppressed by some other 3-year-old.
This makes sense, considering cognitive psychologist Robert Bjork's finding that "using one's memory shapes memory" -- meaning that the more we recall something the bigger and stronger it grows in our memory. Also, in recalling some event -- for ourselves or others -- we have a tendency to "decorate," adding details that can easily get merged into the particular "memory." We quickly forget that we just threw them in to, oh, put on a good show at the alien abductee party because we were feeling all "my tinfoil hat is so last season."
Also consider "cognitive dissonance" -- the discomfort from simultaneously holding two opposing beliefs, like thinking that your worldview was transformed by UFOs while also thinking that it's stupid to believe in UFOs. We tend to smooth out the clash by going with whichever belief works best for our ego. So, in your case, to continue believing that you're intelligent and also not cockadoody in the head, you tell yourself that your memory of your special vacay with the 00100010111 family has to be real.
As for what to tell your girlfriend, what counts is that you had these insights -- not the sense that a space alien opened your skull up with some high-tech can opener and dumped them in. If you mention the alien thing at all, explain it in light of the science on how our memory likes to dabble in fiction writing.
While you're at it, give yourself credit for your insights. It may help to understand our brain's "default mode" processing. Our mind doesn't just turn off when we take a break from directed, focused thinking (like reading, studying, or pondering something). Wider neural networks take over and do subconscious background processing -- gnawing on ideas and problems we've been working on. This can make insights seem like they came out of nowhere. But chances are, yours are a product of your mind and your real-life experience -- an explanation that, sadly, lacks the panache of claiming the space dudes were going to use the anal probe on you but weren't sure whether you could afford the copay.
December 13, 2016I'm a 42-year-old divorcee, just back in the dating world and using dating apps. I have two young children, who live with me. I mentioned them in my profile at first, but I didn't get many replies, so I took them out. Is it okay not to disclose them there? And if I go out with a guy, when do I have to tell him? I'd like to wait till we build a bit of a relationship.
--More Than A Mom
When men say they "love surprises," they mean the sort involving an impromptu striptease, not where you wait till the sixth date to tell them that, no, that child seat actually isn't for your terrier.
Having kids shapes how you live. It isn't like some weird hobby you occasionally do on weekends, like roadkill taxidermy or yurt bedazzling. And sorry -- even if you're far prettier in person than in your profile photos, being "striking" is just a figure of speech; it's unlikely to cause a concussive brain injury in a man, leading to big personality changes that give him a sudden longing to stepdaddy up.
Not disclosing that you have kids until a guy is emotionally attached to you is what evolutionary psychologist David Buss calls "strategic interference" -- using tactics (including scammy ones) to try to get another person to go against their evolved interests. For example, it is not in a man's genetic interest to invest time, effort, and resources into another man's children, which is why men evolved to prefer women who do not already have children, as opposed to saying, "Well, she's got 12 kids...I'll take experience over 20-something hotitude any day!"
Our emotions are our internal police force. They evolved to protect and serve -- protecting us from allowing things that don't serve our interest. Your hiding that you have kids will make guys angry, including those who'd be interested in you, kids and all. The problem goes to character. If you're dishonest about this, what else will you be dishonest about?
The right thing to do in online dating is to give men who will ultimately reject you the info they need to do that right away -- keeping them from wasting their time and yours. (Otherwise, it's like seeking a new accountant by interviewing plumbers.) Being honest will narrow your pool -- down to those who are actual possibilities for you, like divorced dads who'd be open to Brady Bunch-ing. There are also a few kid-loving guys out there who never got around to having any and would find it a plus that you have some ready-made. All the better if some other guy's on the hook for the kids' private school, Ivy League educations, and wintering in rehab on St. Barts.
I've been dating a widow for two years, and I feel inadequate compared with her dead husband, whom she always describes in glowing terms. He liked to dance; I don't. He cooked; I don't. He didn't drink; I do. I understand that she was very happy with her late husband, but this constant comparison with him is wearing on me.
--Mr. Boyfriend
It's always exciting to see a man rebound after a serious setback -- except when you're the new guy in his widow's life and the setback is that he was cremated three years ago.
As for why your girlfriend keeps inviting the Ghost of Husband Past into your lives, consider that thoughts -- like those glowing ones about him -- are driven by emotions. And consider that emotions aren't just internal states; they also act as signals -- a form of person-to-person advertising. For example, research by social psych grad student Bo Winegard and his colleagues finds that grief seems to be, among other things, a kind of broadcasting of a person's "proclivity to form devoted bonds with others." (In other words, "Trust me! I love deeply!")
As for what your girlfriend's signaling with all this late-husband reflux, maybe she's telling you to back off -- maybe because she fears another big loss. Maybe she wants you to try harder at something -- which isn't helpful if it's being somebody else entirely. Or maybe she just misses her late hubby (or feels guilty for being happy with you) and this is her way of keeping him around -- in some form.
Ask her -- in the most non-snarly, loving way -- what she's trying to communicate to you when she waxes on about him. Tell her it hurts your feelings -- giving you the message that you're failing her somehow. Maybe she'll start appreciating what she has instead of being so focused on what she buried. (Date night shouldn't involve your waving goodbye to your girlfriend as she goes off with a picnic dinner to the cemetery.)
Six months after meeting this amazing woman -- I'll call her Ms. Perfect -- I asked her to marry me. A year later, she broke off the engagement, saying, "I shouldn't be wearing your engagement ring and noticing other men." That was two years ago. Since then, I've dated three women. None came close to the high bar set by Ms. Perfect. Do I lower my standards or live the rest of my life alone?
--Don't Want To Hurt Someone Else As I Was Hurt
Endlessly replaying the memories of how perfect your ex was is a great idea -- if you're looking to grow old with a tube sock and a vat of lotion.
Like most of us, you probably have the adorable idea of memory as some faithful servant, dutifully reporting what actually happened -- rather than as the sneaky, ego-serving distorter it is. If memory were faithful to reality -- like a videotape -- we could just pull out, oh, "The night of January 12, 2015, with Ms. Perfect" and we'd have an accurate replay of the evening's events, with maybe a few fuzzy bits where somebody spilled a little sangria on the tape.
However, fascinating research on learning and memory by cognitive psychologist Robert Bjork finds that "using one's memory shapes one's memory." Bjork explains that the more you "retrieve" something from your mind -- that is, bring up the memory to replay -- the bigger and stronger it grows in your memory. In other words, retrieval is the neon-pink highlighting marker of your mind.
So, you retrieve and retrieve -- and remember -- your ex's heart-shaped fried eggs and that sweet thing she said while unloading the dishwasher and not being exiled to the couch or her circus-style knife throwing. Not surprisingly, no real woman can compare. And sure, maybe these women you dated weren't right for you. But the question -- with any woman -- is whether she meets enough of your standards. You can't have it all -- but do you have enough of it all?
You figure that out by coming up with a shortlist of minimums -- standards for the stuff you absolutely can't live without in a partner, in looks, demeanor (especially kindness), intelligence, rationality, and anything else that matters to you. Once you find someone who meets your minimums, remind yourself of the distorto job done on memory by the viewing preferences of your ego and emotions. This should help keep you from damaging your future with this new woman: "Oh...table for three?" she says. "Is somebody joining us?" You: "Just the eternal spectre of my ex." (Uh, not the sort of threesome anyone is looking for.)
I'm a 26-year-old guy. In four years, I've taken three dozen women on one or two dates each. Without fail, I get rejected. I've tried changing things up -- shameless flirting instead of casual small talk, etc. -- but the result is always the same. I'm not some loser. I have a cool job and an active social life. But I'm the common denominator in things not working out. What am I doing wrong that I can't even swing a third date?
--Bummed
Consider the fine-French-restaurant approach. Before the first course is served, the chef will sometimes send you out a tiny, delectable palate teaser, called an "amuse-bouche" (mouth amuser) -- as opposed to sending out two burly waiters to hold you down and force-feed you a vat of stew. (What's French for "fatten you up for the kill"?)
In other words, chances are, your problem is one of presentation -- and yours is probably dragging you across the loserhood equator from nice to needy. Granted, you won't be every woman's cauldron of bouillabaisse, and maybe some of your prospects were out of your league. But 36 different women? That's three egg cartons of ladies all saying nuh-uh to a second or third date with you. And if there's one thing that women have in common, it's the ability to sniff out Eau Pleeeeeease, Pick Meeee! on a guy.
Consider "the scarcity principle," which, as social psychologist Robert Cialdini explains, describes how we tend to long for what's out of reach. Try a little test: Make an effort to make much less effort. Ask women about themselves instead of trying to hard-sell them on you (either by singing your own praises or complimenting them senseless). As I often advise, keep your dates cheap, short, and local. Especially short. (Leave them wanting more instead of less.) And sure, text a woman -- once, the afternoon after, not 26 times in the 20 seconds after you drop her off. If you and a woman get into a long-distance thing, it shouldn't be because you'll go to jail if you violate the 100-yard rule mandated by the judge.