Make Vroom For Daddy
I'm a divorced woman in my 40s, and I just started dating again. I'm seriously tired of it already, after just two dates with two really disappointing guys. I want to cut to the picture in my head -- cuddling on the couch and watching Netflix with my new handsome beau. Meeting somebody shouldn't be this hard. I'm launching a new business, and my time seems better spent working than on some crappy date. But I also don't want to be alone forever.
--Annoyed
Your expectations about how easy it should be to find new love aren't just unrealistic; they're unrealistic by fairy-tale standards. It's "Someday, my prince will come," not "Get crowd control over here pronto for the mob of handsome, fabulous royals who will soon be gathering on my front lawn."
Picturing yourself in the cuddly-wuddly life you feel you should already have may be part of the problem. Motivation researcher Gabriele Oettingen finds that fantasizing is often demotivating -- fooling our mind into believing that we already have the thing we're dreaming of. Oettingen's research makes a case for combining fantasizing with what I'd call "positive pessimism" -- making yourself consider all the things standing in the way of what you want. As Oettingen explains it, thinking concretely about the obstacles we have to overcome helps energize us to tackle them.
The reality is, the older you get and the more you expect from a boyfriend the harder it will be to find one. So either buckle down and prepare for the dating grind or do what it takes to immediately have a life partner who will look at you with great adoration: Give your dog salami.
And on the flip side of the coin...
"So Dave, how was your date last night?"
"Oh man, really disappointing. For one thing, I expected she'd be pretty and she wasn't and then she spent the entire evening talking about her new business."
JD at December 27, 2016 8:12 PM
Life lesson:
I know what you'd like
But the good stuff promised
Is hard fought and not for free.
Wisdom from The Waitresses
http://lyrics.wikia.com/wiki/The_Waitresses:Wasn't_Tomorrow_Wonderful%3F
Jim Simon at December 27, 2016 8:44 PM
IT would help a date if it didn't feel like a job interview. I am reminded of that scene with Kathy Hiegl in 'Knocked Up' where the woman had a list of (some number) traits which she insisted on for the date.
What I would suggest for the LW in future endeavors is to mail her script to the applicant in advance so they can do their auditions slightly better.
Him "Um...your eyes are like limp pools"
Her "LIMPID! Can't you read? Next!"
FIDO at December 28, 2016 3:22 AM
LW, I suggest you focus on getting your business started for now. Maybe you'll meet someone in the course of doing that. If you're still single once it's established, you can concentrate more on a mate search.
Rex Little at December 28, 2016 6:51 AM
Older guys perspective: "I'm launching a new business" Any guy that has dated a female business owner will shy the ---- away from this. The second we hear this we know that it means lots of solo evenings, lots of missed holidays, broken dates and lonely weekends. Unless there is a deep and meaning full relationship to start with this is a nonstarter. This goes double for any guy who has his own business. Unless you some how add to that business/career, either contacts or social capital. It's not like Grad school or military service which is finite. The only reason we didn't split was that we had almost 10 years together before she started her solo business AND we did separate for a bit. The only reason we made it through it was 1) 10 years together to form tight bonds. 2)We got an ugly wake up call as we drifted apart (close friend on death bed) 3)Due to horrid bullying as a child I refused to go anywhere near the local dating pool. 4) My mother is an attorney not a home maker
Now I'm curious when you say disappointing how? If it's a lack of "chemistry" then that's just a matter of meeting the right person and that takes time. If the guy was not enthusiastic then that could be several issues. As you said "starting a business" means you are on the phone nonstop. Anyone not experienced with business people will assume you are texting other guys. Anyone that is will have the reaction above. If you used either an old picture or a professional taken/edited picture the guy was expecting something very different than he saw. Or they did the same and you radiated disappointment.
walter at December 28, 2016 7:48 AM
Two bad dates and she's giving up? Dear lord! Did this gal not do some dating before she got married the first time?
Anyway, a forty-something divorcee isn't exactly a hot commodity. She's going to have to get out there if she wants to meet someone. And probably join eHarmony or something. Going on lots of bad dates is part of the process of meeting the right person.
Ahw at December 28, 2016 11:55 AM
Sigh. Dudes and Dudetts! Go dancing. Particularly line dancing. I know. How uncouth. BUT, a few beers and a little "glistening" and you are actually having a good time. And that cute guy over there may be an attorney out on the town while his wife is away visiting her Mom.
Bob in Texas at December 28, 2016 4:48 PM
I think that the LW is in store for a rude awakening.
momo at December 30, 2016 11:03 AM
Au contraire to Ahw-- forty-something divorced women really ARE a hot commodity! They've made up most of my sex life.
Too bad, they often turn out to be on the rebound... I haven't been able to keep anything going with them.
jefe at January 3, 2017 1:32 PM
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