The Shrining
Six months after meeting this amazing woman -- I'll call her Ms. Perfect -- I asked her to marry me. A year later, she broke off the engagement, saying, "I shouldn't be wearing your engagement ring and noticing other men." That was two years ago. Since then, I've dated three women. None came close to the high bar set by Ms. Perfect. Do I lower my standards or live the rest of my life alone?
--Don't Want To Hurt Someone Else As I Was Hurt
Endlessly replaying the memories of how perfect your ex was is a great idea -- if you're looking to grow old with a tube sock and a vat of lotion.
Like most of us, you probably have the adorable idea of memory as some faithful servant, dutifully reporting what actually happened -- rather than as the sneaky, ego-serving distorter it is. If memory were faithful to reality -- like a videotape -- we could just pull out, oh, "The night of January 12, 2015, with Ms. Perfect" and we'd have an accurate replay of the evening's events, with maybe a few fuzzy bits where somebody spilled a little sangria on the tape.
However, fascinating research on learning and memory by cognitive psychologist Robert Bjork finds that "using one's memory shapes one's memory." Bjork explains that the more you "retrieve" something from your mind -- that is, bring up the memory to replay -- the bigger and stronger it grows in your memory. In other words, retrieval is the neon-pink highlighting marker of your mind.
So, you retrieve and retrieve -- and remember -- your ex's heart-shaped fried eggs and that sweet thing she said while unloading the dishwasher and not being exiled to the couch or her circus-style knife throwing. Not surprisingly, no real woman can compare. And sure, maybe these women you dated weren't right for you. But the question -- with any woman -- is whether she meets enough of your standards. You can't have it all -- but do you have enough of it all?
You figure that out by coming up with a shortlist of minimums -- standards for the stuff you absolutely can't live without in a partner, in looks, demeanor (especially kindness), intelligence, rationality, and anything else that matters to you. Once you find someone who meets your minimums, remind yourself of the distorto job done on memory by the viewing preferences of your ego and emotions. This should help keep you from damaging your future with this new woman: "Oh...table for three?" she says. "Is somebody joining us?" You: "Just the eternal spectre of my ex." (Uh, not the sort of threesome anyone is looking for.)
Six months after meeting Ms. Probably Not Perfect, the newness hormones were still in full effect. This guy decided to propose, which locked in that new relationship feeling by resetting it - now it's new because she's a fiancee, not just a girlfriend. A year later, when the newness wore off for her, she realized this guy wasn't for her. He's now stuck pining for a woman who doesn't exist.
Beth C. at December 7, 2016 9:50 AM
Is it just me or does "None came close to the high bar set by Ms. Perfect." make anyone else cringe?
Being heartbroken has noting to do with "standards".
Heartbroken is emotional and very very deep w/much actual pain.
"Standards", to me, is more physical. Her biscuits were light and airy and flaky. (sorry. hungry.)
2 years for heartbroken, not the slight bit interested in others, get ill just thinking about dating, and so on is probably about right.
Maybe I just need to eat.
Bob in Texas at December 7, 2016 11:41 AM
Yeah, I've gone through this, too-- dated a client and had all her friends buzzed by what a great match we were. I'd known her for a year and it never crossed my mind to ask her out, until her friends tipped me off that she was available. Her lesbo best friend had been plotting to fix us up, too, before she found out we were already dating. The more time I spent with her, the more attracted I became; I wondered where all these feelings had been hiding!
The sex was out of this world.
I was sure she was The One and made our time together the best I knew how.
She pulled the plug on me, gave me the "I need time" talk, right before Christmas that year, saying she needed to focus on the chaos in her life. I still feel bitter. Who DOESN'T have chaos to deal with?
Her friends called her a crazy idiot; what was she thinking?
What came to me, finally, was that she simply didn't believe in herself. If she can't love herself, she darn sure wouldn't let someone else love her. One day at work I tried to greet her, and the look on her face was pure agony. She wasn't angry, she looked wracked by guilt avoidance and self hate.
Years later I asked her lesbo friend how my ex was doing, and she told me "Her daughter still yells at her, her work is going nowhere, and she went through another marginal relationship"... and "She's hopeless."
So, not much had changed.
For me, she's still a tough act for any other woman to follow, but I don't agonize over memories and I don't try to hold other women to her "bar"-- after all, if she turned out to be a hopeless head case anyway, what would other women be?
jefe at December 7, 2016 6:36 PM
Problem is, the LW's brain isn't in control here. No matter how much we tell him, or he tells himself, what he should be satisfied with, the heart wants what the heart wants. He won't be doing himself or women any favors by trying to force an attraction he doesn't feel.
Maybe in time (two years isn't all that long) Ms. Perfect's memory will fade enough that it isn't so much of a distraction. Or maybe he will spend his life alone. That doesn't have to be the end of the world; personally, I'm enjoying it.
Rex Little at December 8, 2016 12:06 AM
Curious definition of "perfect" that LW has. In my mind, the perfect woman doesn't break off engagements with me. It's like saying that bridge would be perfect if it just didn't collapse during rush hour.
LG at December 10, 2016 10:39 AM
LG, in my case (and perhaps jefe's as well) it's something that's so "right" it seems to have been a part of you that was "missing".
When it doesn't work out it similar to "phantom" pain experienced by amputees and is very deep physically and mentally (soul).
"Standards" is not IMO the same. LW has some other issues going on if he can date other women w/in a 1 or 2 year period.
You can move on as Jefe says. It's just learning to live w/something that can not and will not be. You put it behind you and eventually start living again.
"Other women" have nothing to do with this. They are irrelevant.
Bob in Texas at December 12, 2016 5:05 AM
Right, the feelings are intense. I've been there. And it's hard to forget and put down. Took me about 2 years to completely forget. But to call it perfect IS a distortion. Anyone who broke your heart is not perfect. There may have been some great times and even perfect moments and feelings. But the nature of these things is that they ARE fleeting. Typically, the more intense they are, the shorter they last. And then there's the thought "maybe if I would have done something differently I'd still be in bliss right now". But maybe not. Good times, like bad times, don't last forever. And her breaking it off like she did may have been like assassinating a popular public figure before he/she has a chance to ruin their own public image. You make a hero out of them.
LG at December 17, 2016 10:47 AM
Indeed, the reason she broke it off may have been the pressure of having to be Ms. Perfect and the fear of falling off the pedestal he put her on was starting to get to her. And now, with every new girl he meets, he's like "can we pick up where the last girl dropped from exhaustion?"
LG at December 17, 2016 12:02 PM
"He's now stuck pining for a woman who doesn't exist."
Oh, nonsense.
This blog has noted the differences in attraction based on actual chemistry as expressed in immune system response. We know through observing allergens that truly minute amounts of a chemical are capable of eliciting acute effects.
Thus, it is reasonable to suggest that no other person presents herself as completely desirable as the one he misses - and that the probability of his meeting someone else like that can be vanishingly small.
I suggest further that each of us can recall someone we found fascinating to the point of obsession without their being physically remarkable, and we remember them across decades, not just weeks.
Radwaste at December 21, 2016 5:57 AM
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