I'm a 32-year-old guy, and I want a real relationship. I am good-looking and charming and can get girls into bed pretty early on, but I'm beginning to wonder whether that's hurting me. I think I end up starting relationships based on sex instead of common interests, personality, etc. Does it pay to hold off on sex, and if so, how long?
--Wanting It Real
There are some wonderful committed relationships that started off with "I want to spend the rest of my boner with you!"
The reality is, those lovebirds probably got lucky (in getting it on with someone they happened to be compatible with). When you have sex right away, you're prone to getting into a hormone haze -- a sort of sex fog -- that ends up blurring just about everything but the bed (and maybe the kitchen table, three or four times).
Though people are increasingly getting into relationships through hookups ("sex first/date later"), relationship researcher Dean Busby and his colleagues find that waiting to have sex seems to keep "feels so right!" from killing your ability to see whether it actually is. In their research, dating for at least a month before having sex was associated with higher relationship stability and satisfaction, better sex, and better communication.
Again, this isn't to say that people who have sex on -- or even before -- the first date won't have satisfying relationships. But as the researchers put it, "the rewards of sexual involvement early on may undermine other aspects of relationship development and evaluation" -- for example, keeping partners from putting as much energy into "crucial couple processes" like hammering out communication. It can also prolong relationships that ultimately don't work when both people are dressed and standing up.
You don't have to set your sex clock according to the research: "Oh, look at the time -- week four and a half; better get it on!" The point is to wait until you see whether you really like them and click with them in all the essential ways. Six months into a relationship, if you grab your partner and kiss them as if the world were ending, it should be because you love them that deeply, not because it's the best way to get them to shut up that doesn't involve jail time.
I'm a man in my 50s. I recently started seeing this fantastic lady. She's my ideal woman except for one small thing: There is no sexual chemistry. However, I don't plan on having more kids. Also, my body's slowing down, and sex just isn't at the top of my list anymore. I'm looking for my true best friend and partner. Still, without any real chemistry, is this relationship doomed?
--Seeking
Okay, so you feel sex isn't all that important to you now. Good to know...but not quite the same as donating a treasured artifact to the natural history museum -- with a plaque: "Harpoon for display purposes only."
Your best friend whom you aren't attracted to and don't have sex with is -- wait for it -- your best friend. Sure, a relationship is a best friendship, but it's more. The sexual part of it -- sharing your body -- makes for a deeper level of intimacy than, say, "Want a bite of my Reuben?"
Unlike checkers or "Words with Friends," sex isn't just an activity. It's an activity that causes biochemical reactions -- like a surge of the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. Though the research on these is in its infancy in humans, they seem to act as a form of emotional glue in some mammals that have been studied -- in the wake of sex, causing little rodent-y things called prairie voles to velcro themselves to that special someone.
As for this woman you've been seeing, think about how it must feel -- right from the start -- to have you about as sexually interested in her as you are in one of her end tables. Also consider that being in what sociologist Denise Donnelly calls an "involuntarily celibate relationship" -- wanting to have "shared erotic pleasure" (of some kind) but having a partner who refuses -- is extremely corrosive. Beyond leading to affairs in 26 percent of those surveyed, it led (predictably!) to sexual frustration (79 percent), feelings of rejection (23 percent), and depression (34 percent). But, whatever, right? I mean, BFFs forever!
The thing is (assuming she isn't madly in love with you), if you two admit that the spark simply isn't there, you can still spend your lives together -- just not in the same bed. Better to celebrate your best-friendiversary than mourn on your anniversary -- that you still want your partner just as much as you used to, which is to say not in the slightest.
I am a curvy girl with a big butt. I hate it. I have a small waist, and it makes my butt look even bigger. I don't care that the Kardashians have made big butts cool. I'd like to lose weight in that area. However, my boyfriend LOVES my butt and told me there's research that says girls with bigger butts are smarter and healthier. Is that true? That can't be true.
--Tushy Galore
Welcome to the science-inspired catcall: "Woooo, girl...you look like a nuclear physicist in them hot pants!"
Yes, there seems to be a cognitive edge in being a woman with a big caboose -- provided you have a low "waist-to-hip ratio." That's professor-speak for women who have small waists relative to their hips -- an "hourglass figure" like yours, as opposed to a body that's more No. 2 pencil-esque or beerguttylicious.
Epidemiologist William Lassek and anthropologist Steven Gaulin find that being voluptuous in the way you are is associated with both being a bit smarter and having smarter children. To understand why starts with understanding "parent-offspring conflict," evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers' term for how it's in each child's genetic interest to suck as much in the way of resources out of their parent as they can.
This battle for resources starts early, which is to say a fetus is a little hog. It hoovers up its share of nutrients and then may go after some of its mother's share, too -- not so much that it kills her but maybe, "Hey, Ma, enjoy the gestational diabetes!"
Lassek and Gaulin note that this competition for resources is especially rough on teen mommies, whose own brains are still developing. Both the teen mother-to-be and her child are prone to having their cognitive development "impaired" -- irreversibly diminished from what it could be -- when she's forced to compete for a limited supply of nutrients with the fast-growing fetusmonster.
However, Lassek and Gaulin find that women with bodies like yours seem to be cushioned -- or, you could say, "seat-cushioned" -- against this cognitive impairment, apparently because the butt and hip area serves as a supplemental food storage locker for the developing fetus. There's a special kind of fat that gets deposited in this area -- gluteofemoral fat.
This booty fat is different from and healthier than belly fat. It's loaded with omega-3 fatty acids -- especially DHA, docosahexaenoic acid -- which we can only get from things we ingest, like seafood, walnuts, cooked spinach, and krill oil supplements. DHA is essential for day-to-day cognitive functioning in all people. And, Gaulin emphasized to me, it's "the most important brain building resource" for little fetus people. He and Lassek controlled for things like parents' income and education and the number of dollars spent per student and found mothers' higher DHA to be the strongest predictor of kids scoring significantly higher on tests in math, reading, and science.
You're packing more DHA than a woman who carries her fat Santa-style, but any woman can increase her DHA through diet, especially by eating fish. As for your desire to shave off some of Mount Buttmore, bad news: Gluteofemoral fat is extremely resistant to weight loss (as that basically would amount to throwing away some of your brain's lunch).
But to lose weight overall -- while feeding your brain and protecting it from cognitive decline -- consider this from Lassek and Gaulin's book, "Why Women Need Fat": "The single dietary factor most strongly related to women's weight gain was the amount of omega-6 linoleic acid in their diet."
A major source of omega-6 is factory Frankenstein oils -- polyunsaturated, heat-processed seed oils like soybean, sunflower, corn, and canola. (Extra-virgin olive oil is healthy -- an omega-3 source.) And, surprise! Eating fish cooked in these omega-6-packed Franken-oils makes us "unlikely to retain the valuable omega-3 present in the fish."
Getting back to your back end, it seems you owe it an apology. Maybe you were swayed in what you find attractive by the cadaverishly thin women that gay male designers send out to faint on the catwalk. Consider that you may be confusing body weight and booty shape in how self-conscious you feel about your behindquarters.
Now, whether men prefer heavier or slimmer women varies by culture. However, the late evolutionary psychologist Devendra Singh found that men across cultures overwhelmingly are hotter for the smarter-baby-producing hourglass bod that you have -- though without any conscious understanding of why this preference evolved. (No, their penises didn't put on their reading glasses and pore over Gaulin and Lassek's research.)
Instead of longing for a body type that men don't find as sexy, maybe resolve to start appreciating what you have -- including your own special version of the trickiest no-win question a woman can ask a man: "Baby, does our future Einstein look fat in these pants?"
January 17, 2017Women are really cuckoo when it comes to gifts. If my lady didn't get me a present on my birthday, I wouldn't really care. But if I didn't buy her something for hers or if I chose badly, brace yourself! Don't get me wrong; I love my girlfriend. I just wish I understood how to avoid the minefield here.
--Lost In Santa's Wonderland
Unfortunately, you can't just tell her that your relationship was "a gift from God." So was the plague of locusts.
Gift-getting generally is a bigger deal to women than it is to men (like, if you miss the mark on her birthday, you might have to call in the U.N. peace negotiators). To understand why, consider that our emotions aren't just feelings; they're motivational mechanisms that evolved to guard our survival and help us pass on our genes. For example, you feel jealousy when you sense a threat to your relationship -- like that your girlfriend's compleeeetely platonic male BFF really has her back...because that's the best position for a reach-around to her front.
Of course, both men and women feel jealous and are deeply hurt by both sexual infidelity ("Did you have sex with him/her?!") and emotional infidelity ("Do you love him/her?!"). However, evolutionary psychologist David Buss finds that men and women differ in which type they find more distressing. Because men experience "paternity uncertainty" ("Mama's baby, Papa's maybe"), they're more distressed by sexual infidelity, which could chump them into raising a kid who'll pass on some other dude's genes.
There's no such thing as "maternity uncertainty" because babies are delivered not by storks but by obstetricians -- who coach screaming, profanity-spewing mothers-to-be to push a bowling ball-sized human out a very small opening. Accordingly, Buss finds that women are more distressed by the prospect that a man might be emotionally elsewhere, leading him to divert his investment in their children into diamond-encrusted loot for that hussy he's been stepping out with.
In light of this, it makes sense that a woman puts more weight on a male partner's displays of love and commitment -- which is ultimately what gifts to your girlfriend are. Maybe understanding that can help you convert gift-giving from a perilous chore to a way to tell your girlfriend that you love her, that you don't take her for granted, and that it means something to give her a little burst of happy.
Unfortunately, this may not make your shopping any easier on Official Girlfriend Holidays (Christmas, Valentine's Day, your anniversary, and her birthday). What might is asking for advice from women close to her -- her mom, her sister, her BFF. As a bonus, they're likely to gab about what a loving, thoughtful boo you are. As a secondary bonus, if some gift is a bust, they're also handy targets for blame.
However, there's a way to minimize the effects of any big-gift fails, and it's with semi-frequent little gifts -- like picking up her favorite overpriced smoothie or that special cheese she raves about. Doing this tells her something very important: that you love her enough to pay attention -- uh, to more than the game scores from a hidden earpiece while she's telling you about all the intrigue at Book Club.
I'm a struggling musician (singer/songwriter), so let's just say I'm not swimming in cash. I adore my girl, but I don't have money to spend on her like her previous rich ex (who'd buy her expensive jewelry and designer handbags), so I feel weird buying her anything at all. What can I get her that shows my love without breaking the bank?
--Underfunded
It probably hasn't escaped her that you sometimes prepare for dates by visiting the Coinstar machine.
Money -- even just a little bit of money -- actually can buy happiness, but it helps to know what to spend it on. Research by psychologist Thomas Gilovich finds that money spent on experiences tends to make people happier than money spent on material stuff. That's because we quickly acclimate to the new things in our lives and they stop giving us the same happiness bump they did at first. But an "experiential gift" -- like writing a song for your girlfriend and singing it to her in a romantic location -- is what we might call "reusable happiness." Experiences are a renewable resource because we re-enjoy them as we reflect on them and talk about them. They also become part of a shared relationship history, and that's very bonding.
Who knew? It seems there's an upside to not having a bunch of money to spend: your girlfriend looking back fondly on a day with you in a way she never could with all those romantic afternoons she spent with her Ford Fiesta-priced Prada purse.
January 10, 2017I've been happily married to the same wonderful guy for 20 years. However, the longer we're together the harder it is to remain faithful -- surely for both of us. Sex and skin are everywhere these days, and men are especially impacted by the barrage of provocative images. How does a woman realistically balance this with the desire to have a relationship that's monogamous in body and mind?
--Troubled
A man can love you to pieces and count his blessings every day you two are together -- and it won't stop him from wanting to see your sister bend over.
Sure, it can sometimes happen that a man "only has eyes for you" -- like if you and he are kidnapped and held hostage in a small, windowless room. Otherwise, because male sexuality is visually driven, his eyes are likely to scamper up any yummy mummy or big-booty Judy passing by. But there's good news from neuroscience: Contrary to what most women believe, this -- in and of itself -- is not a sign of bad character (though a kind, considerate man will do what he can to appear fascinated by that big crow instead of those big cahuengas).
Though you can have a monogamous relationship, our minds are anything but monogamous and, in fact, pretty much have minds of their own. As neuroscientist Michael Gazzaniga explains, about 98 percent of our brain's activity happens beyond our conscious awareness -- including some of the "reasoning" behind our choices and where our attention runs off to.
Key players in who and what we're drawn to are our brain's "reward circuitry" and the neurotransmitter dopamine, pushing us to pay attention to and go after stuff that will help us survive and pass on our genes. Dopamine is ever on the lookout for this stuff -- including hotties, or, as neuroscientist Wolfram Schultz puts it, "reward-predicting visual stimuli." In other words, dopamine-secreting neurons are the crass buddy in a man's brain, going, "Woo-wee, wouldja look at the Pointer Sisters on that broad!"
Understanding the neuroscience behind attraction is helpful -- revealing that attraction is a physiological reaction, like being tired or hungry. If your husband wants a sandwich, you don't take that personally. And no, I'm not saying "gettin' some" outside your marriage is the same as gettin' some lunch (so, ladies, please put down those flaming pitchforks).
The problem is that it's been seen as a shameful personal failing (instead of the biological predisposition it is) to merely feel an attraction to someone other than your spouse. This means that the "forsaking all others" business in the wedding vows is often the first and last time the subject gets discussed. However, the late infidelity researcher Peggy Vaughan explained that a couple are more likely to remain faithful if they admit that "attractions to others are likely (indeed inevitable) no matter how much they love each other." This allows them to engage in "ongoing honest communication about ... how to avoid the consequences of acting on those temptations."
In other words, it's by admitting that we have a problem that we can get cracking on how to solve it. So, no -- sadly -- monogamy isn't "natural." However, on a hopeful note, neither are $300 Nikes, zero-gravity toilets, or messages that come by smartphone instead of by waving a loincloth over a fire.
My boyfriend is very smart, but he curses. A lot. Even in front of my family. He says I shouldn't try to curtail his free expression and mentioned some news report that said smarter people curse more. Am I being a tight-xxx? Or is he full of xxxx?
--Upset
When you ask your boyfriend to talk dirty to you, you shouldn't need to specify, "Except at my grandma's wake."
And no, there's no evidence that smarter people curse more -- though that's what popped up in headlines across Clickbaitville. The actual finding -- by swearing researchers Kristin and Timothy Jay -- is that people who can rattle off a lot of words (those who have "verbal fluency") can also rattle off a lot of swearwords. Quelle #&*@$ surprise.
I'm no priss about profanity. However, as I explain in (heh) "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," "at the root of manners is empathy" -- caring about the impact your behavior has on other people. Your parents are likely to see your boyfriend's bratty insistence on talking however he effin' pleases, no matter who's in earshot, as a sign of disrespect. It suggests an aggressive, narcissistic lack of interest in others' feelings -- including yours. That's not exactly a selling point in a partner, plus it could lead you to dread being around your family: "You havin' a psychotic break, son, or you just anglin' for more pie?"
January 3, 2017A female friend of mine wanted to get married, but her boyfriend was resistant. He'd been married before, with disastrous results. He eventually married her -- not because he wanted to be married but because it meant so much to her. Initially, she felt bad about this. She had to give up her romantic dream of getting married because somebody would want to be tied to her forever. Do men just marry women to make us happy?
--Wondering Woman
Picture a zookeeper coming in in the morning and going, "Crap -- we've got a new giraffe. How did he get in here?"
On one level, a man pining for a life in sexual captivity makes about as much sense as a wild animal breaking in to a zoo. Evolutionary psychologists David Buss and David Schmitt note that we humans evolved to choose between two different sexual strategies -- short-term and long-term. Women typically benefit more from a "long-term sexual strategy" -- a commitment model, i.e., getting men to stick around to invest in their children. Men often benefit more from a "short-term sexual strategy" -- a lack-of-commitment model, i.e., sticking it into a long line of sexfriends. That's because a man can have sex with thousands of women and never end up pregnant with something that needs to be fed, clothed, and sent to hipster day care.
Though a man gets more shots to pass on his genes with the short-term "I love a parade!" approach, it's sometimes more advantageous for him to opt for a long-term strategy. It's a huge time-, energy-, and resource-suck to perpetually be on the hunt. Also, Buss explains, because "highly desirable women" can hold out for commitment, men can get a much better woman if they're willing to go for a long-term thing (buying the relationship stroganoff instead of living off the free samples in the supermarket).
Whether to commit generally doesn't play out in men's heads in such clear cost-benefit terms -- like calculations on whether to go all in on pork futures. It's emotion that pushes them toward commitment -- loving a woman who happens to insist on a commitment and wanting to make her happy. Economist Robert H. Frank calls love "a solution to the commitment problem." Mushywushy feelings are what keep you with that special someone -- instead of running off the moment somebody who's objectively a better deal moves in next door or your beloved is tossing their cookies on the side of the road: "Bye, hon...hope somebody nice comes along to hold your hair back!"
So a man's being willing to officially take his penis off the market -- even if he isn't particularly hot on the idea of marriage -- is a really big deal. There are two major reasons you spend the rest of your life with one person: Either you realize you love them more than you love your freedom or you're serving a sentence for a string of really bad felonies.
My wife isn't smart. She also doesn't read books or newspapers or know anything about current events or politics. I knew that when I married her, but we were both kids, and I thought it was kinda sweet and funny. Fifteen years later, it bothers and embarrasses me. I still love her, but I'm depressed by the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone who can't share some of what I see as life's basic pleasures.
--Hating Myself For Sounding Snobby
It's something of an attraction killer when you look deep into a woman's eyes -- and feel pretty sure you can see clear out the back of her head.
Yes, 15 years ago, you pledged to spend forever with this woman -- surely intending to follow through, despite how she probably makes major life decisions by consulting fortune cookies. The truth is, we can lack foresight when we're younger. (As late as eighth grade, I announced to my parents with great gravitas: "Roller-skating is my life!")
Though you care about her, what you're missing -- being similar in essential areas -- is called "assortative mating." Psychologist Michelle Shiota notes that "studies have repeatedly found that similarity between romantic partners in domains such as socioeconomic status, educational background, age, ethnicity, religion, physical attractiveness, intelligence, attitudes, and values predicts higher levels of marital satisfaction and lower likelihood of separation and divorce."
Sure, you could focus on what you love about her and try to get your intellectual needs met elsewhere. However, if what makes you feel alive and connected to somebody is engaging intellectually, this might just be a bridge too far -- being with someone who believes the Electoral College is where your 18-year-old niece is going next fall to study bioengineering.