Do No Harem
I've been happily married to the same wonderful guy for 20 years. However, the longer we're together the harder it is to remain faithful -- surely for both of us. Sex and skin are everywhere these days, and men are especially impacted by the barrage of provocative images. How does a woman realistically balance this with the desire to have a relationship that's monogamous in body and mind?
--Troubled
A man can love you to pieces and count his blessings every day you two are together -- and it won't stop him from wanting to see your sister bend over.
Sure, it can sometimes happen that a man "only has eyes for you" -- like if you and he are kidnapped and held hostage in a small, windowless room. Otherwise, because male sexuality is visually driven, his eyes are likely to scamper up any yummy mummy or big-booty Judy passing by. But there's good news from neuroscience: Contrary to what most women believe, this -- in and of itself -- is not a sign of bad character (though a kind, considerate man will do what he can to appear fascinated by that big crow instead of those big cahuengas).
Though you can have a monogamous relationship, our minds are anything but monogamous and, in fact, pretty much have minds of their own. As neuroscientist Michael Gazzaniga explains, about 98 percent of our brain's activity happens beyond our conscious awareness -- including some of the "reasoning" behind our choices and where our attention runs off to.
Key players in who and what we're drawn to are our brain's "reward circuitry" and the neurotransmitter dopamine, pushing us to pay attention to and go after stuff that will help us survive and pass on our genes. Dopamine is ever on the lookout for this stuff -- including hotties, or, as neuroscientist Wolfram Schultz puts it, "reward-predicting visual stimuli." In other words, dopamine-secreting neurons are the crass buddy in a man's brain, going, "Woo-wee, wouldja look at the Pointer Sisters on that broad!"
Understanding the neuroscience behind attraction is helpful -- revealing that attraction is a physiological reaction, like being tired or hungry. If your husband wants a sandwich, you don't take that personally. And no, I'm not saying "gettin' some" outside your marriage is the same as gettin' some lunch (so, ladies, please put down those flaming pitchforks).
The problem is that it's been seen as a shameful personal failing (instead of the biological predisposition it is) to merely feel an attraction to someone other than your spouse. This means that the "forsaking all others" business in the wedding vows is often the first and last time the subject gets discussed. However, the late infidelity researcher Peggy Vaughan explained that a couple are more likely to remain faithful if they admit that "attractions to others are likely (indeed inevitable) no matter how much they love each other." This allows them to engage in "ongoing honest communication about ... how to avoid the consequences of acting on those temptations."
In other words, it's by admitting that we have a problem that we can get cracking on how to solve it. So, no -- sadly -- monogamy isn't "natural." However, on a hopeful note, neither are $300 Nikes, zero-gravity toilets, or messages that come by smartphone instead of by waving a loincloth over a fire.
I suspect women step out as much as men if given the chance with a male that has that x factor (you know a guy like Denzel). Though research doesn't prove it---i think women are just better at being discreet, and the men they have dalliances with lack the incentive to out them.
Sapolsky talks about how alpha baboons would get all the girls but if the threat of being violently beaten was minimal the ladies would risk stepping out with the dreamy artsy monkey and the top males would be none the wiser. It was pretty consistent behaviour and it was the same minority of males getting all the cheating ladies. So a low status male would never get a lady interested but those male monkeys with that x factor got willing female monkeys all the time. And they were content not being the top male.
Ppen at January 10, 2017 6:49 PM
I was annoyed by this comment of hers, "However, the longer we're together the harder it is to remain faithful -- surely for both of us."
How does she know it's getting harder for him to remain faithful? Don't justify your wanderlust by claiming your partner has it, too. Unless he's actually told her this (and he hasn't, otherwise she wouldn't have said, "surely for both of us"), she has no way of knowing if it's getting harder for him to remain faithful.
Patrick at January 11, 2017 5:24 AM
In my own experience, when my front brain starts helping to rationalize my hind brain's desires, I might as well just get it over with and do it, foregone conclusion it's gonna happen. Call me weak and undisciplined, it's a fair cop.
I think LW needs to be very careful with these thoughts. Her husband's thoughts might not line up with hers as much as she imagines.
bkmale at January 11, 2017 6:50 AM
I see nothing wrong with finding other people attractive.
I often wonder how much of cheating is just mental exhaustion, spending so much energy trying to deny finding other people attractive that your will power is gone by the time someone start actively pursuing you.
I'm not sure from the tone of her letter if she wants to cheat, or is worried about her husband cheating.
If she wants to cheat I dont really have any advice. If shes worried about her husband, random blowjobs, flash him discretely in public.
The thing I've never understood is how a woman can have a wild time for years, until she settles down and stops doing 'that sort of thing' and then cheats on her husband after a few years because he is boring in bed
lujlp at January 11, 2017 12:31 PM
This is a weird letter.
The two money quotes side by side:
However, the longer we're together the harder it is to remain faithful.
.
.
.
How does a woman realistically balance this with the desire to have a relationship that's monogamous in body and mind?
So this suggests she wants advice on how to be faithful? Maybe? How to be realistically UNfaithful but monogamous? How to put a leash on her husband's mind? How to 'accept' realistic infidelity on his part while she still keeps her relationship?
But why choose one? She probably has all these varying impulses in her head plus a half a dozen others as well.
I remember this one forum I was in. The wife said her husband was wonderful. Thoughtful, monogamous, kind, etc. etc. (this is called the set up before the slam) But...he LOOKED AT ANOTHER WOMAN! Sigh, Sob, Whinge. It seems like every other woman on the board joined her in solidarity even though this guy did NOHTING except look at another woman. (These were the same women making 'nom nom' sounds over Liam Niessen and Khal Drogo three threads over, just as a point of reference)
Further conversation indicated that he looked at this woman for no more than 20 seconds or so all together. (Which is probably a tad too long, admittedly. Ugh. Timed out staring at one spot for 20 seconds. She had A point. That is a LONG time...if she was accurate and honest.)
He was smitten. It happens. Doesn't make a wife ugly. Doesn't mean he is willing to cheat on her (I won't say 'doesn't want to'. "Wanting to" is pretty much the definition of 'smitten'). It does mean he wants to look at something pretty a few times.
It sounds like her husband isn't actually guilty of anything, or at least the LW isn't mentioning anything concrete. She is just worried infidelity WILL happen (though by whom is kind of the question. Worryingly so considering SHE is the one writing the letter, to be honest)
He needs to be discreet in looking at other women. She needs to come to grips with male nature. Grandma was wiser, with a set of rolled eyes, a sharp quip about a young bitch not wanting an old bone and understanding the difference between 'looking' and 'doing' when catching Granddad looking at a woman.
Acceptance of the nature of the other gender is kind of important in a relationship.
FIDO at January 12, 2017 5:28 AM
The problem is that it's been seen as a shameful personal failing (instead of the biological predisposition it is) to merely feel an attraction to someone other than your spouse.
This is very true, but surprisingly, controversial.
I think we'd all be happier if we realized marriage/monogamy doesn't magically stop us from being attracted to others. SO MANY people justify cheating by saying, "Well I was so ATTRACTED to him/her, and I felt so guilty about it, but I had no choice but to act!"
A more realistic way would be to acknowledge that you are going to continue to be attracted to the multitude of beautiful humans out there, but you have a CHOICE in how to act. Promised someone you'd be monogamous and want to remain in that relationship? Recognize the attraction as a normal response and check your behavior.
But when I say this stuff to some of my friends, the response is always, "NO! Being attracted is the first step to cheating!! You can't be attracted to anyone but your husband, EVER, or you are BAD."
I give those bitches 5 years before they're cheating. Because, you know, attraction is automatically the first step, apparently.
sofar at January 12, 2017 8:15 AM
Yeah Sofar, "Well I was so ATTRACTED to him/her, and I felt so guilty about it, but I had no choice but to act!" is pure sophistry. As you said you don't stop being attracted to people just because you had a party together. Your friends who insist otherwise are not going to have successful marriages.
What was it Ron White said, once you've seen one pair of boobs . . . you want to see the rest of them! Ok granny I've seen em. You can roll those flapjacks up and put them away now.
But there is such a thing as self control. Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to go out there and get it.
As far as which gender cheats more, the rough statistics I found (and I don't know if they are reliable at all) claimed that 70% of men cheat and 60% of women cheat. Personally I find that high and I don't know how they generated those numbers. The numbers pulled out of my ass school of thought is my suspicion. But I do find it believable that women cheat just as much as men.
Ben at January 12, 2017 1:27 PM
Age, marital status, no longer being "buff" makes all (most) of us "invisible".
It is a shock, "who me?", and "Damn, that's nice" when someone "notices" you. (I'm sure Amy can/has explained all of the chemical reactions going on.)
Acting out that state (whether married or not) is never a good idea for reasons Amy has stated as well.
But as a lady friend once told me, "It's like eating potato chips. You can't just stop at one(ce)."
Bob in Texas at January 12, 2017 5:01 PM
Everyone in a marriage or committed relationship should remember one thing: Jealousy and clinginess are not attractive. Not even a little bit.
(And if your response to this is, "My spouse married me, so I don't need to do anything to be attractive to them anymore", then you deserve whatever happens.)
Cousin Dave at January 13, 2017 11:41 AM
An aside: I'm a 79 year-old male who long ago outlived his dick (quoting Willy Nelson)...but I still like to gaze at hot women...as well as pretty sunsets and sexy cars.
LW needs to get into marriage counseling with her mate, or swinging (i.e., honest, shared cheating), or get a divorce. Life is lived moving forward, not sitting around writing whiny letters to Amy and indulging in fantasies of "what if".
stubeedoo at January 14, 2017 11:38 AM
@Patrick "Don't justify your wanderlust by claiming your partner has it, too"
Yeah, I noticed that too. Some serious projection or something going on here.
Lobster at January 26, 2017 1:09 PM
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