Stare Trek
The 40-year-old guy I'm dating swivels his head to check out ladies everywhere. He even comments on those he finds attractive. I've mentioned that it bugs me. He contends that it's my insecurities that are really the issue here. I can see how lower self-esteem might lend itself to an offended reaction, as opposed to just a shrug or an eye roll, but is this really on me?
--Blamed
Yes, of course your insecurities are the real issue here. Because what woman wouldn't feel great when her boyfriend's all "Whoa, boobs are out tonight!"?
That said, it is normal that he's driven to look. Men evolved to have their eyeballs all up in every hot woman's business because the features considered beautiful in a woman correlate with health and fertility. Ancestral men who passed on their genes (and mating psychology) -- the men whose male descendants are walking the planet today -- are those who went for the fertile young hotties, not the 70-year-old ladies with a lot of personality.
Not surprisingly, brain imaging studies by evolutionary psychologist Steven Platek and his colleagues find that when men see pictures of curvalicious women -- those with an hourglass bod, a fertility indicator -- there's "activation" in (most notably) the nucleus accumbens. This is part of the brain's reward circuitry and, as they put it, "the seat of addictive behavior." Regarding their findings, Platek told me, "We think that this is why men quite literally find it challenging to look away from a highly attractive female body."
No, not "impossible" to look away. "Challenging." Like it may sometimes be for you to keep from stabbing your boyfriend in the thigh with a fork when he rubbernecks at a passing pair of Wonderbreasts. However, feeling disturbed by his girl-gawking isn't a sign you're emotionally defective. Consider that emotions aren't there just to jazz up your day. Psychiatrist and evolutionary psychologist Randolph Nesse explains that emotions have a job to do -- to motivate us to "respond adaptively" to threats and opportunities. For example, that rotten feeling you get in response to your boyfriend's ogling is basically an alarm going off alerting you that a man's commitment isn't there or is waning. Wanting to feel better pushes you to remedy the situation.
If your insecurity is tripping you up, it's in how you seem to be second-guessing the emotions yelling at you, "Do something! HELLO?! Are you in a coma?" The thing is, you don't have to feel assertive to be assertive. You just have to (gulp!) stand up for yourself as an assertive person would.
Again, the problem isn't that your boyfriend's looking; it's that he's looking (and commenting) while you're standing right there, feelings and all. Be honest with him: This doesn't just "bug" you; it hurts your feelings. It makes you feel disrespected. And it needs to stop. Now. Because you want to feel loved, respected, and happy -- either with him or with some guy you meet at his funeral, after his tragic but inevitable death from drowning in a pool of his own drool.
Meh. I have conversed with women who are offended if a man looks for more than the absolute minimum at any attractive woman more than the woman thinks is appropriate. (Measured in 'peeko-seconds)
I have met women who do that passive aggressive 'Do you think she's pretty? How about her? Wow! Look at that rack' kind of shit testing of her man. And when he responds in kind, WHAM!
I have met women who thought they were cool about 'objectively appreciating' other women...but were not cool about it at all.
I have met women who, still not being in a relationship with a man, get offended if that man sees a prettier girl and looks away.
In every case, a letter like the one above is a response.
That being said, yeah. I have also met many many boors of men who stare blatantly in situations where they should be, at a minimum, discreet.
He sounds like a bit of a boor. But I am open to the possibility that he was lead down the passive aggressive primrose path as well.
FIDO at March 28, 2017 9:49 PM
I look. I do. But I don't stare. And I definately won't ogle another woman when my gf is around. Her feelings are important to me. I want her to know and feel that I do love and respect her and her feelings.
Of course she would feel awful if I stared and commented on other womens boobs. As if hers weren't good enough. It's not the looking I find offensive; it's the contempt for her feelings. WTF, dude - don't let your girlfriend feel bad on purpose. Make her feel warm and fuzzy by how you show her you're here for HER, not the next harlot that walks through the door (not that I mind harlots - some of my hest friends are harlots).
You know that feeling you get, when you make someone else happy. That's a good feeling to have. It doesn't have to lead to anything. That feeling in itself is pretty awesome. And you know that feeling when you hurt someone you love? If you don't, chances are you're an asshole. There is of course also the smaller chance you've never hurt someone you love, in which case you are awesome. Don't hurt your loved ones. In fact, don't hurt anyone if you can help it. Be kind. Be considerate. It's not that difficult, really.
Jesper at March 29, 2017 12:38 AM
The fact he comments on those he eye fucks and then turns it around and tells her she is insecure--instead of the kind of thing of soothing his parter by apologizing AND toning his break necking eye fucking down tells me he is a boor.
I'd just dump him personally because my ass has no time to explain to a 40 year old man how to properly interact with a woman he's dating in a public setting.
I understand rude behavior in 20 year olds but by 40 you should have it down pat that most men and women don't like to be told you're attracted to other people despite what they say.
You better trust and believe I do ogle a man driving a brand new M3. Doesn't mean I'm gonna call you insecure if you catch me. "Naw baby that Tacoma is all good"
Ppen at March 29, 2017 12:59 AM
My wife and I make comments to each other about members of the opposite sex that we find attractive. But we have a good, secure relationship. It's definitely not something I would do with just anyone. And I try my damnedest to not leer. Glance, appreciate, and move on. And, gaining insight into what my wife finds to be hot has been, shall we say, useful.
"The fact he comments on those he eye fucks and then turns it around and tells her she is insecure..."
Yeah, Ppen, you've probably heard of DARVO -- Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. What the LW describes is a prime example.
Cousin Dave at March 29, 2017 7:22 AM
Whoops, hit submit too soon... I meant to add that maybe the LW should try turning it around. Make comments to her BF about guys she finds hot, and see what kind of reaction that gets.
Cousin Dave at March 29, 2017 7:24 AM
I'd just dump him personally because my ass has no time to explain to a 40 year old man how to properly interact with a woman he's dating in a public setting.
Yep. He's no fun to be with. You can dump 'em for that reason, it's allowed.
Pirate Jo at March 29, 2017 8:49 AM
"he comments on those he eye fucks and then turns it around and tells her she is insecure"
Run away. Run like the wind.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at March 29, 2017 11:20 AM
Agreed that the problem isn't the guy's eyeballs following eye candy - that is indeed hard-wired - although any guy not smart enough to control this while with His Woman is, well, not very bright. The bigger problem is the guy commenting on this to the woman he is with. Why is he doing this? As a conversation-starter? No, he wants to (a) make his partner feel less attractive/secure, so that she'll do more stuff for him, and/or (b) make himself seem more attractive to his gal, as in "hey, baby, I could totally hit that." "Oooh, John, I really want to be with a guy who picks me over Miley Cyrus." Girl, tell your man-ho if he thinks he can hit Miley Cyrus, then go hit Miley Cyrus and leave your key on the way out the door, otherwise shut up 'cause it bugs you. You don't lose any points with a decent guy telling him you don't like him talking up other women sexually. And guy, get yourself some freakin' sunglasses and a cigar. The sunglasses to cover up the eyeballs-following-eye-candy, and the cigar to keep your mouth occupied and not saying stupid things like "I would totally hit that." Or maybe to distract your thoughts with thoughts of your college boyfriend. Hey, it's your head, what you do in the privacy of your own head is your business.
Zumkopf at March 29, 2017 11:48 AM
Hit "send" too soon. Add: As a guy who has head-swiveled once or twice totally involuntarily, I would suggest that the occasional look is not meant to offend, nor is it necessarily an expression of a desire to wander. It just comes over you, like a sneeze out of the blue. Chalk it up to the fact your guy is a guy and not a robot. If it happens too often, a snappy "you like her, go and get her" will tamp it down considerably.
Zumkopf at March 29, 2017 11:55 AM
Run away. Run like the wind.
That seems to be accurate advice to give most of the LWs who write in.
mpetrie98 at March 29, 2017 12:23 PM
What's bugging you is your self-esteem saying, "Hey! I don't deserve to be treated this way!" If what you want is a guy who thinks you are the most special woman on the planet, Mr. Swivel Neck is not him.
FrauleinGretel at March 29, 2017 12:26 PM
While I wish for a bit more context, yeah, if she has said something and he continues, HE is the problem.
One should spare one's partners feelings. I am probably wrong on this.
But then again, I have met a lot of hypersensitive women on this front, where a glance is a major relationship crime.
The comments put this jerk over the top though. I am guessing he has some money and sees himself as a 'catch'. I wonder why she is still with him.
FIDO at March 30, 2017 4:57 PM
"...but is this really on me?"
You may not want to hear this LW given how hard it is find a SO that "fits" BUT if this is his typical response to you LEAVE. Life is hard and you will not get what you need when you need it from this asshole.
If this is not typical there may be hope in tolerance. Think hard. Time goes by and you don't get it back.
WTSHTF and you need support w/o question will he be there? Any doubts? LEAVE.
Bob in Texas at March 31, 2017 6:13 AM
If this a full, complete, and truthful evaluation of events, then yeah, maybe dump his ass.
One detail left out: how long have you been dating? maybe he's not sure you're the one and leaving his options open.
Still, he should keep the commentary to himself, and learn how to gawk gracefully. Yes, that can be done. Wrinkle up your nose and make a face like a skunk walked in the room with its tail up. You can still go "hubba hubba" in minds eye.
Unless he's gauging the LW's receptiveness to a threesome, in which case, carry on.
I R A Darth Aggie at March 31, 2017 11:12 AM
Dress a bit sexier and he'll probably be spending a bit more time looking at you.
Lobster at May 4, 2017 3:41 PM
I had a wonderful girlfriend of 10 years who would go out of her way to point out to me attractive women, especially if they were positioning themselves for a good view. Her friends were surprised at her doing that and some would voice protest asking her why she did that. She'd give a smile and reply "because I get the benefits when we get home".
Brain at June 25, 2017 5:56 PM
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