Wishful Sinking
The girl I'm in love with has a boyfriend. She and I have already fooled around, but she can't bring herself to break up with this guy. She insists she doesn't want to lose me and promises we'll date eventually. I'm confused. Do you think she's playing me?
--Lost
It's nice to hope for the best about people -- but still put a note, "tofu-kelp casserole," on that foil-wrapped plate of brownies you stuck in the break room refrigerator.
However, especially when our ego is involved, we're prone to believe the best about people, because of what psychologists call "optimism bias." This is a form of selecto-vision that leads us to overestimate that things will turn out wonderfully for us and underestimate the likelihood of our experiencing bad stuff, like being in a flaming car wreck or a flaming car wreck of a relationship. In short, we believe that bad things happen to other people. For example, that cheater we're in love with is only cheating because the other dude's such a fuckbuckle, not because she has the ethics of a dust mite.
Because optimism bias is ego-protecting, understanding that we're susceptible to it typically isn't enough to dig ourselves out. What might help you, however, is telling yourself your story, but about some other girl and guy. Then advise that guy on his prospects. For example: Yes, here's a woman you can trust completely to be faithful -- whenever she's trapped, totally alone, 2,300 feet below ground in a Chilean coal mine.
Before/If you move on enjoy the psychical sex. It probably will never be hotter and the opportunity to experiment will never be better. Just saying.
Bob in Texas at March 8, 2017 5:49 AM
Someone willing to cheat with you will cheat on you
Are you richer than her current BF? Probably no as she would have already jumped ship to you.
Do as Bob suggested, use her to act out every twisted fantasy you can before she dumps you
lujlp at March 8, 2017 6:35 AM
"Use her"? Wow, just wow! Two wrongs and all that ...
BeccaB at March 9, 2017 3:02 AM
Why? She is using him to get something her boyfriend isnt giving her.
He isnt going to get a LTR of out being her side piece so why not get what you can get
lujlp at March 9, 2017 7:29 AM
Nope BeccaB.
Just like women having a male BF to do "male" stuff around the house and not providing benefits.
Just like using "sugar daddies".
It's timeless and natural. What cave (university) have you been hiding in?
Besides what use is LW to the "lady" if not satisfying some sexual need?
Bob in Texas at March 9, 2017 7:32 AM
Hahaha ... My point was that taking advantage of ANYONE is wrong ... no matter what. Sheesh!
BeccaB at March 9, 2017 2:58 PM
"taking advantage of" doesn't apply to this situation UNLESS the precious woman has implied she will leave her boyfriend.
But that can't be in your world, right?
This is an adult situation where feelings are involved so words matter. (Actions have already been taken.) No safe spaces allowed.
Bob in Texas at March 9, 2017 3:43 PM
Bob, you don't know my world. No need to get personal.
I've seen kind behavior in response to misdeeds become the very sweetest of vindication in the long haul. (Long story there)
As adults in "adult situations", each of us can, and should, expect honorable behavior from ourselves in all situations. It won't always happen, but it's a worthy goal.
Becca B at March 10, 2017 5:40 AM
So basically, if someone's a A-hole, that makes it okay to "use" them?
Now the world has two A-holes where once it had one.
Newsflash: When you're treated like crap, usually there's the option of "being big" and just walking away. It says a whole lot more about you than getting back by getting yours and getting out.
Sorry folks, but I'm with Becca on this one. If possible, rise to the occasion instead of sinking to their level. Yeah, it can be hard, but doing the right thing often is.
Wallawallawanda at March 10, 2017 7:28 AM
Thank-you Wanda ... That's exactly what I was trying to say.
BeccaB at March 10, 2017 7:53 AM
Guess youse gals did not like "50 Shades of Grey" or "Sex in the City".
She is experimenting sexually. I have encouraged the LW guy to enjoy this and to experiment himself if she allows it.
Please explain how this is "using" her. Your assumptions show your judgement against the guy but not the girl. Why? Not personal personal just your personal assumptions.
Bob in Texas at March 10, 2017 9:23 AM
I didn't say the letter writer WAS using her. If you were to reread my initial comment ... I was not advising the letter writer, or commenting on the woman in question. Nor did sexuality in any of its many manifestations figure into my comment. (That was quite a leap on your part.)
My comment was directed at the previous comments ... which I interpreted as a "two wrongs will surely make a right" reaction to the letter writer's dilemma. I don't believe that misdeeds are corrected by more misdeeds in response.
If the letter writer's lady is on board with "let's just have fun while it lasts" ... then best wishes to them both. (But I do feel bad for her boyfriend)
BeccaB at March 10, 2017 2:42 PM
No Becca you assumed the guy cutting his losses and accepting his relationship for what it really was was a wrong because (ineffable reasons) cause he is a guy and getting sex without emotional labor and that cant ever be a good thing
lujlp at March 11, 2017 10:11 AM
Nope
BeccaB at March 11, 2017 1:11 PM
Well its not like you advocated he break it off becuase his actions were wronging the womans real boyfriend
lujlp at March 11, 2017 3:40 PM
My last comment here ... I never suggested any course of action for the letter writer what so ever. I simply thought that the initial comments encouraging him to USE her sounded harsh. I would have felt the same if the genders were reversed. I am not a man hater or a prude. To me, the word USE implies a lack of consensus between the two. Replace the word USE, and I doubt I'd given the comments a second thought. Semantics perhaps. Done and done ...
BeccaB at March 11, 2017 5:32 PM
When you're treated like crap, usually there's the option of "being big" and just walking away.
Also, if revenge IS what you want (not saying LW does, but IF he eventually does), this is how you get it. Someone who is stringing him along (while keeping the boyfriend) is used to receiving admiration and attention.
... and she will literally not be able to handle it if you walk away without warning.
This tactic will also probably do wonders for LW's lacking self worth.
sofar at March 13, 2017 10:13 AM
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