Greed Between The Lines
I love my boyfriend; however, I feel bad that he never buys me presents. He did when we were dating, and he buys himself extravagant stuff. But he got me nothing for my birthday and only some trinkets for Christmas because I made a stink. When I've brought up the gifts issue, he's implied that I'm materialistic. However, what matters to me is not the cost but that he's thinking of me. Is my desire for gifts somehow shallow?
--Coal Digger
Once again, it's Christmas. Ooh, ooh, what's that under the tree?! Once again...it's the floor.
Many men sneer at the importance their ladies place on getting gifts from them, deeming it a sign of female emotional frailty. What these men aren't taking into account is that the differences that evolved in male and female psychology correspond to differences in male and female physiology. To put this another way, women -- disproportionately -- are into getting gifts from romantic partners for the same reason men (disproportionately) are into watching strippers. ("All the better to pass one's genes on with, my dear!")
Because, for a woman, sex can lead to pregnancy (and a hungry kid to drag around), female emotions evolved to act as a sort of alarm system, making a woman feel crappy when there are signs a man's commitment may be waning. (Wanting to feel better makes her take corrective action -- pressing him to put up or get out.) However, a man's being willing to give gifts suggests a willingness to "invest" (beyond 2.6 minutes of foreplay and a teaspoon of sperm).
Accordingly, evolutionary behavioral scientist Gad Saad believes that gift-giving evolved as a "distinctly male courtship strategy." Though women do give gifts to romantic partners, they tend to wait till they're in a relationship and then do it to "celebrate" being together. Saad's research finds that men, on the other hand, "are much more likely to be tactical in their reasons for offering a gift to a romantic partner" -- like, in the courtship phase, to get a woman into bed. (Of course, if a woman wants to get a man into bed, she doesn't need to give him a present to unwrap; she just starts unbuttoning her top.)
Explain the science to your boyfriend. You don't have a character deficiency; you just want him to show his love in the way that works for you. That's what people who love each other do -- even if they, say, believe the gift of their side salad at dinner should be gift enough. Besides, you aren't demanding, "'Tiara of the Week!' or I'm gone!" You'd just like occasional little "thinking of you" prezzies and somewhat bigger ones on Official Girlfriend Holidays (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.). Ultimately, these are not just gifts but messages that making you happy is worth an investment of money and effort -- beyond what he's been putting in to run out and get his wallet wired shut just in time for your birthday.
I'm of two minds on this.
On the one hand she says it doesn't matter what the gifts cost, and well hopefully true my experience does not bear this out.
I've seen far too many women who claim they don't care about the cost flip the fuck out and do nothing but bitch and moan about how cheap the gift they were given is/was
lujlp at May 17, 2017 8:19 AM
I'm with lujlp on this one assuming LW is telling the whole truth and not just the Clinton truth.
If she's being truthful and he's not doing lots of inexpensive gifts continuously (a single rose or the $5 bouquet from the grocery store) THEN if she does not feel "special" tell him so, give a chance (quietly please), and move on quickly if needed.
He is not going to change for the better. If it ain't a habit now it will never be. Odds of him being THE ONE are slim.
Bob in Texas at May 17, 2017 12:00 PM
The gift should cost something, but doesn't necessarily have to cost money. It could cost time or thought or exertion. Climbing a wall to get a flower is inexpensive but takes exertion, and is a thrilling romantic gesture. Composing a song, or playing a piece or painting a picture or whittling a figurine is a thrilling romantic gesture. Packing a surprise picnic. There are other ways to show investment than cash.
NicoleK at May 18, 2017 9:57 AM
"He is not going to change for the better."
I've gotten a lot better at gift giving through the decades. But then, I read the Advice Goddess. Unless a young lady wants to jump in bed with current me - who could very well be cast in a Viagra commercial - she's going to have to put up with somewhat of a learning curve.
smurfy at May 18, 2017 10:31 AM
There might be something to that "love languages" stuff, pop-psychy though it is, in addition to the evolutionary imperatives Amy mentions. We tend to love the way we like to be loved. I'll bet LW also wonders why boyfriend never gushes over things that she gets for him - gifts just don't thrill him. Not that he's not appreciative, they just aren't a huge thing for him like they are for her.
Me, I like touch and words of affirmation. Gifts don't make any difference to me; I prefer cash. :) My wife and I have come to understand one another pretty well in this regard over the years.
Grey Ghost at May 19, 2017 5:59 AM
I'm a bit put off by the "trinkets" comment. She either cares or does not about WHAT he gets for her. I think the issue isn't gifts, but feeling unloved/unappreciated. So, perhaps she needs not point out gifts, but being made to feel special... and gifts are ONE way to do that.
I think the comments NicoleK made are along these lines. Making a special breakfast isn't a "gift" though, but could be part of that "remind me you care" specialness package, for instance.
Shannon at May 19, 2017 3:04 PM
A girl I used to work with complained about her husband's lack of attentiveness.
Then one day I heard her talking on the phone, "You just called to say you love me? You're dumb!"
And then she hung up.
"Dawn, that was a terrible thing to say," I said.
"Well, he should have thought of doing things like that before I told him about it. Guys just do whatever they can to get with us, and then when they get with us, they think they can just stop! Ugh!"
"So, you expect your husband to more sensitive and caring. Is that it?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"Dawn, the reason you can get with guys like that is because guys like that already have boyfriends."
Patrick at May 23, 2017 8:25 AM
There are sensitive and vulnerable straight guys, they are generally the jerks you see treating women like shit after one to many women used their sensitivity as a weapon against them.
lujlp at May 23, 2017 11:13 AM
He implied that you're materialistic when you brought it up? Asshole.
Mary at May 25, 2017 10:28 PM
"He did when we were dating"
He is your boyfriend not your husband, you are still dating.
Amazed_476 at June 2, 2017 5:20 AM
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