Rubbin Hood
I grabbed my boyfriend's phone to look something up, and I found a Google search for local massage places that offer "happy endings." He says that he and his friends were just goofing off. Am I an idiot to believe him?
--Disturbed
His "goofing off" is reminiscent of the "but I was just curious!" web searches that juries hear about -- stuff like "Does arsenic have a flavor?" "How much antifreeze does it take to kill a 226.5-pound man?" and "Who's got the lowest prices on shovels and tarps?"
Sure, it's POSSIBLE that your boyfriend is telling the truth -- that he and his buddies were searching out massage parlors RIGHT NEARBY! just for a giggle. To determine how likely it actually is, consider that people don't behave randomly. We're each driven by a varying combo of personality traits -- habitual patterns of thinking, emotion, and behavior that are relatively consistent over time and across situations. For example, an introvert will not suddenly become a party animal (unless we're talking the taxidermied kind that's stuck into the "fall leaves" centerpiece).
Research by evolutionary psychologists David Buss and Todd Shackelford found three personality traits that are strong "predictors of susceptibility to infidelity." One is narcissism -- being self-absorbed, admiration-seeking, empathy-deficient, and prone to scheming userhoood. Being low on "conscientiousness" is another -- reflected in being disorganized, unreliable, and lazy, and lacking self-control. Last, there's "psychoticism," which, despite its Bates Motel-like moniker, reflects a con artist-like exploitativeness, impulsivity, and lack of inhibition -- not necessarily exhibiting those things while going all stabby on some lady enjoying a shower.
Consider whether your boyfriend's "just Googling for kicks!" claim is odd and uncharacteristic or whether it's part of a pattern reflecting one or more of the lovely cocktail of traits above. Patterns of behavior predict future patterns of behavior -- for example, trying to get you to believe that he only goes to strip clubs for the music and that he really was just working late with his boss, Mr. Camerino, who seems to have developed quite a thing for body glitter.
Guys cheat for one of three reasons
1. They aint getting it from you for whatever reason, and they are tired of asking but unwilling to dump you for whatever reason
2. They are assholes
3. Some combo of the two
So, it your boyfriend generally an asshole?
If not rent a massage table, wear some trashy lingerie underneath an indecently short robe, and offer him a happy ending yourself.
If he is an asshole why are you with him at all?
lujlp at May 30, 2017 11:56 PM
How does one just 'find a Google' search, I'm wondering.
Anyway, leaving that aside, I second what luj siad. Either he's an asshole, or he's not quite getting enough at home. Simple truth is, you can't send a man out the door hungry. Make sure he feels well-fed before he goes out that door and unless he's just wilfully incorrigible, you'll have a loyal man at your side. Yes, I know that goes against the 'never do anything to please a man' attitude that today's women seem to have, but it's the simple truth. If he doesn't get it at home, he's gonna eat out.
Lobster at May 31, 2017 6:06 AM
"How does one just 'find a Google' search, I'm wondering."
She went through his browser history. She didn't just "grab his phone"; she was prying. The 64K question is: why? Did she already have suspicions? There may have been good reason for that. Or is she just a busybody?
Cousin Dave at May 31, 2017 6:33 AM
Could be the LW is that type of person who isn't happy unless she's got something to be upset about. And like a cat with a yarn ball, she saw something, was powerless to resist chasing it, and kept chasing until she found something that upset her. And now she's happy, I guess.
bkmale at May 31, 2017 6:39 AM
She went through his browser history. She didn't just "grab his phone"; she was prying. The 64K question is: why? Did she already have suspicions? There may have been good reason for that. Or is she just a busybody?
She wasn't necessarily snooping.
When you type in a search query on a phone, it brings up similar recent searches and bookmarks just below where you're typing it in.
For example, if someone were to grab my phone and type in "How to," they'd see that read a guide on "How to microwave a potato" this weekend.
It's possible she was using a supposed search query as an excuse to see what her boyfriend's been Googling, but you can indeed see (with very little prying) what someone recently searched for if you grab their phone and search for something. Technology.
sofar at May 31, 2017 7:31 AM
"When you type in a search query on a phone, it brings up similar recent searches and bookmarks just below where you're typing it in."
Point taken. Bing does the same thing. However, it will also make suggestions depending on what is trending, especially if the first word you type in doesn't match any recent search. For example, if you type in "happy" and there is no recent search containing that work, it will pull up a list of trending searches that begin with or contain "happy" as a key word. It may well offer "happy endings" in the list, even though you've never searched for that.
Cousin Dave at May 31, 2017 12:39 PM
sofar wrote:"She wasn't necessarily snooping."
Yes, I agree that given the current state of technology, it is possible that LW wasn't snooping on her BF's phone. But as sportswriter Hugh E. Keough wrote in the early 1900s:
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong; but that is the way to bet.
L. Beau Macaroni at May 31, 2017 3:52 PM
@"I grabbed my boyfriend's phone"
This is off-topic, but I would never ordinarily just 'grab someone's phone', especially not my partner's ... to me that's rude and disturbing, a red flag that hints at a host of other issues, as it shows a lack of respect and a sense of 'entitled control'. I had a gf who would grab my phone and I put her in her place for it (she turned out to be a conniving liar). (Am I over-reacting - is 'grabbing your bf's phone' now normal?)
Alternatively it just corroborates the idea that she had prior suspicions, as in that case grabbing the phone would be a once-off excuse to dig into the phone.
Lobster at June 1, 2017 3:40 AM
This is off-topic, but I would never ordinarily just 'grab someone's phone', especially not my partner's ... to me that's rude and disturbing, a red flag that hints at a host of other issues
Depends on the context and relationship. I grab my husband's phone all the time, and he grabs mine.
Example:
Husband: Who is that, singing this song?
Me: Justin Bieber
Him: No way.
Me: [grabs nearest phone, happens to be his. Types in song title into Google.] See? It's Bieber. Told ya.
On the other hand, if you hear your partner's phone ding and grab it to check who is texting, yeah, that's weird.
LW says she was using his phone to look up something up, which would be normal in my relationship. Question is: If you DO grab someone's phone and don't like their search history, what then? I say LW should just file this one away and add it to that Big Picture we all make of our partners on whether to continue the relationship (as Amy basically suggests in her final paragraph).
sofar at June 1, 2017 8:33 AM
He sounds like a real prize.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at June 1, 2017 5:20 PM
Lot of sexist insinuations that she's not "giving him enough." That's not why people cheat, that's why they might be incompatible. Also, if he WAS looking for a sleazy massage parlor, gross
Mary at June 1, 2017 5:27 PM
That's not why people cheat,
According to most research the majority of cheaters are looking for emotional validation that they are not getting from their partners.
But I must say I find it odd how upset so many people get when the partner they couldnt care less about sleeping with gets it elsewhere
lujlp at June 1, 2017 6:02 PM
His phone just happened to be closer than hers?
Amazed_476 at June 2, 2017 5:32 AM
Cheating because he's not getting enough at home? I haven't seen that excuse for a long time. Has he never heard of pleasuring himself? And why is he supposedly not getting enough at home? Has he let himself go physically? Is he demanding sex without making an effort to be nice to her first and reaffirm that emotional connection that married couples are supposed to have? If sex is the only thing keeping these people together, maybe she would be better off finding someone with whom she has a stronger connection than just the physical.
NJ at June 2, 2017 10:13 PM
@"Cheating because he's not getting enough at home? I haven't seen that excuse for a long time"
In a sense you're right, as if you're not getting enough at home, you shouldn't cheat but rather dump her and get a girlfriend who does make an effort in the bedroom. There are women out there who do, trust me.
@"Has he let himself go physically?"
I agree 100% with you here, a man should stay in shape and take care of his appearance. If you let yourself go then don't expect women to be physically attracted to you. It seems like the majority of men just let themselves go or don't put much effort into their appearance (I'm not complaining, it's less competition for me).
@"Has he never heard of pleasuring himself?"
Lolwot .. wtf, no. This attitude is revealing: That if a woman makes little effort to sexually please her partner, then it's again his fault if the poor guy doesn't just somehow accept that his lot in life is that he is just supposed to jerk off the rest of his life, and he's supposed to somehow be happy and excited about that. If it's once in a while, OK, but if you're a man in a relationship and you have to masturbate regularly (or regularly need to find 'massages with happy endings'), dump your partner, you're with the wrong person. Well, no, first tell her what you want, give her a chance, and if there's no improvement, then dump her. If she in turn wants someone in better shape, she should also express that.
What bothers me is that feminist indoctrination has created a generation of women whose attitude is 'never do anything to please a man', and they carry that attitude into the bedroom. If you believe your boyfriend/husband should be happy with having to jerk off regularly because you put little effort into your sex life, then you deserve to be single. No real woman would ever even say such a thing, unless she's with a loser, but then why be with a loser.
Lobster at June 3, 2017 5:22 AM
@"Has he never heard of pleasuring himself?"
My current girlfriend likes to satisfy me, we have sex every day. I almost forgot what masturbating is. The few times I masturbated, she said "Why didn't you call me?" and "Take video for me next time". I'll never settle for less again .. I'll never go near the type of women who suggest their boyfriends should be content with jerking off. (For my part, I'm in good physical shape - I eat right, dress well, gym regularly.)
Lobster at June 3, 2017 5:43 AM
You should believe him. If it was nefarius he would have opened an incognito window and you wouldn't have found this data just laying around.
smurfy at June 14, 2017 2:42 PM
How about the notion that people in a relationship should actually please each other? Men should please their partners, women should please theirs, in whatever configuration works for them. Isn't that why they're in the relationship together?
And yes, if you are voluntarily not having sex with your partner for reasons other than health, then why be disturbed if he/she has those needs elsewhere? That isn't jealousy, that's injured pride of ownership.
Topaz at January 10, 2018 11:52 AM
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