I have this disturbing pattern. I've dated three different guys, each of whom said he didn't want to get married, wasn't ready, whatever. But then, the next girl they met...BAM! Walking down the aisle. Why am I marriage boot camp but never the one the guy marries?
--Aisle Seat
It's depressing when the only place you're ever "registered" is at the DMV.
There's a reason you suspect your experience is a meaningful pattern, and it's the same reason people think they see the Virgin Mary in their toast. Our minds are meaning-making machines. We evolved to be deeply uncomfortable with uncertainty -- probably because an uncertain world is a more dangerous world. Say a man hands you some blue liquid in a glass. You're all, "Hmmm...should I drink that or take it home in case I ever need to dissolve a dead body in the bathtub?"
We figure out what things are by looking for patterns -- ways that the things match up to things we've encountered before. So, regarding that blue liquid, yes, Drano is blue, but it isn't sold in a martini glass and garnished with a tiny paper umbrella. Also, bartenders keep their job by having you pay your tab, not having you carried out in convulsions by a couple of EMS dudes.
Although our mind's tendency to recognize patterns helps us quickly identify threats and opportunities, it often does this too quickly and on too little evidence. Neuroscientist Michael Gazzaniga and psychologist Daniel Kahneman each caution that our mind is so intent on having things be concrete that when we're faced with ambiguous or incomplete information, it will invent a tidy explanation to fill in the blanks. Your mind may be doing that now in seeing a meaningful pattern in guys sweeping you off your feet and then, like that annoying shopper who's just reached the register, their going: "Ooops...don't want this one. Gonna run and grab the other one. Sorrreeeeee!"
However, epidemiologist and stats ninja Sander Greenland reminded me that just because we're prone to see a pattern where there is none doesn't mean a particular pattern isn't meaningful (as opposed to occurring randomly -- by coincidence, like if you tossed a coin and got heads three times in a row).
One way you figure out whether something is due to coincidence or is a real effect is by having lots of examples of it. If you'd dated 10 men who'd left you to marry somebody else, it might say something. Might. But three? Greenland points out that in looking at what seems to be a pattern, "we tend to forget the times it didn't happen (like before we started noticing the claimed pattern)." Also, if you believe there's a pattern -- that you're a sort of fruit bin where men go to ripen -- maybe you start acting differently because of it, coloring your results. (Self-fulfilling prophecy kinda thing: "Why try? He'll be outta here anyway.")
In short, maybe this is a meaningful pattern or maybe it is not. What you can explore is whether there are patterns in your behavior that could be tripping you up. There are three biggies that research suggests can be relationship killers.
Blatant Boy-Chasing: Men often claim they like it when women ask them out. However, research suggests that this may permanently lower a woman's worth in a man's eyes. Men value women who are hard to get, not those who eagerly pursue them -- sometimes with all the subtlety of a golden retriever chasing a hot dog down a hill.
Being Hard To Be Around: A review of research on personality by psychologist John M. Malouff finds three characteristics that are likely to eat away at a relationship: neuroticism (a psych term for being nervous, chronically distressed, and volatile), a lack of conscientiousness (being disorganized, unreliable, and lacking in self-control), and disagreeableness (being an unpleasant, egotistical, hostile and argumentative mofo).
The Undercooked Man: Behavioral science research supports the evolutionary theory that women -- even today -- prioritize male partners who can "invest" (a preference that men coevolved to expect). For example, marriage researchers Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe find that "men want to be financially 'set' before they marry." Career attainment and stability are likely a major part of this. So, unfortunately, a relationship with a man in transition can end up being a sort of FEMA tent on the road to permanent housing.
Ultimately, instead of deeming yourself death row for "happily ever after," try to choose wisely and be a valuable (rather than costly) partner. That's really your best bet for eventually walking down the aisle -- and not just to hear, "Do you take this woman ... till the last of your nine little lives do you part?"
June 20, 2017A dear friend who's also a co-worker just went through a breakup with her girlfriend, and she's devastated. I don't know what to tell her. I've tried everything: You dodged a bullet; it's a blessing in disguise; you're better off without her; you should get back out there. Everything I say seems to be wrong, and she gets angry. She's crying and isolating a lot, and I want to help, but I don't know how.
--Clueless
Clearly, your heart's in the right place. However, you might send your mouth on a several-week vacation to a no-talking retreat.
Consider that we don't say to people who are grieving over someone who's died, "C'mon, think positive! One less person you have to call! And didn't he live kinda far out of town? Be glad you don't have to make that schlep anymore!" It helps to bear in mind the theory that evolutionary psychologist and psychiatrist Randolph Nesse has about sadness (and its goth sister, depression): These emotions -- like all emotions -- have functions. For example, being sad (like about a breakup) leads us to reflect on where we may have gone wrong -- and possibly gain insights that will keep us from making return visits to Boohooville.
Also, note that not all emotions advertise -- that is, have visible outward signs announcing to those around us how we're feeling. Take envy. When your boss gives your rival the promotion you wanted, there's no specific facial expression that conveys your longing for a well-targeted meteorite to take her out "Wizard of Oz"-style. However, Nesse suggests that one of the possible evolutionary reasons for the very visible signs of sadness may be to signal to others that we need care -- a message that gets sent loud and clear when one is sobbing into the shoulder of the bewildered Office Depot delivery guy.
Being mindful that sadness has a job to do should help you stop pressing your friend to see the "good" in "goodbye." Probably, the kindest thing you can do is to try to be comfortable with her discomfort and just be there for her. Hand her a Kleenex and listen instead of attempting to drag her kicking and screaming to closure: "It's 10 a.m. Aren't you overdue for a round of cartwheels?"
I'm not ready for a relationship now, so I'm having a friends-with-benefits thing with this guy. He typically takes me out to eat before we hook up. However, a couple of times, he had someplace to be right afterward, so he didn't take me out to eat first. It really bothered me, and I'm not sure why. I know it's just sex; we're not dating. But I felt super-disrespected and almost cried later in the evening. I guess I felt used, which is weird because we're really "using" each other.
--Puzzled
To a guy, "just sex" is enough. You don't have to tell him he's pretty and take him to Yogurtland.
Although intellectually, "just sex" is enough for you, too, the problem is your emotions. They might just seem like a sort of wallpaper to add oomph to your mental den, but evolutionary psychologists Leda Cosmides and John Tooby explain that emotions are actually evolved motivational programs. They guide our behavior in the present according to what solved problems that recurred in our ancestral environment. Many of the threats and opportunities they help us manage are universal to male and female humans, thanks to, say, how a hungry bear isn't all that picky about which sex its double humanburger comes in.
However, in the let's-get-it-on-osphere, there's only one sex that gets pregnant and stuck with a kid to feed. So women, but not men, evolved to look for signs of a sex partner's ability and willingness to "invest." Even today, when that investment isn't there, female emotions are all "Ahem, missy!" -- making you feel bad: hurt, disrespected, used. Wanting to feel better is what motivates you to take corrective action. As anthropologist John Marshall Townsend observed about female subjects from his research: "Even when women voluntarily engaged in casual sex and expressed extremely permissive attitudes, their emotions urged them to test and evaluate investment, detect shirking and false advertising, and remedy deficiencies in investment."
And no, you can't just plead your case to your emotions with "But I'm using birth control!" Your emotions are running on very old software (predating even those early '90s AOL floppies), so as far as they're concerned, there's no such thing as sex without possible mommyhood. In other words, if you're going to make casual sex work for you, you need to see that it works for your emotions. Basically, your body is your temple, and prospective worshippers need to sacrifice a goat to the goddess -- or, at the very least, buy the lady a hamburger.
I'm a 40-year-old man who can't seem to keep a relationship going for more than a year. There's never bitter fighting or betrayal. I just gradually lose interest. I can't blame my girlfriends -- most of whom are pretty exciting people. I'm the problem, but why? And can I change?
--Frustrated
Ever gotten new carpeting? The first month, it's "No shoes and no drinks whatsoever in the living room!" A few months after that: "Oh, we don't use glasses anymore. Just splash red wine around and drink right off the rug."
In the happiness research world, the psychological shift behind this is called "hedonic adaptation" -- "hedonic" from the Greek word for pleasure and "adaptation" to describe how we acclimate to new stuff or situations in our lives. They rather quickly stop giving us the buzz (or bite) they did at first, and we get pitched right back to our baseline feeling of well-being (Yeahwhatevsville). Bummer, huh? But there's an upside. Psychologists Timothy Wilson and Dan Gilbert explain that hedonic adaptation is part of our "psychological immune system," helping us recover from all the kicks in the teeth and boys' bathroom swirlies of life.
There's another possible bummer at work here, per your longing for less wilty love. You may be more "sensation-seeking" than most people. Research by psychologist Marvin Zuckerman, who coined the term, finds that this is a personality trait with origins in genes, as well as experience, reflected in strong cravings for novel, varied, and intense sensations and experiences.
If this is driving you, basically, you want it new, you want it now, and all the better if it's a little life-threatening. In other words, some benefits of a committed relationship, like deeply knowing another person, may end up being deeply boring to you. Still, part of your problem may be a hopeful approach -- simply hoping your relationships don't die instead of taking steps to prevent that.
Research by psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky finds that three "intentional activities" help keep hedonic adaptation from overtaking a relationship -- appreciating, injecting variety, and incorporating surprise. Appreciating simply means regularly reviewing and "savoring" what's great about your partner and what you have together. (Even better if you also express it to them). Bringing in variety and surprise means filling the relationship with "unexpected moments" and "unpredictable pleasures," big and small.
Be honest with women about your befizzlement problem. When you find one who's up for the challenge, get cracking with her on keeping the excitement alive. Be sure to do this both in romantic day-to-day ways and, say, with the perfect romantic weekend for a guy like you -- one that starts with the valet at the spa opening the trunk, removing the hood over your head, and cutting the zip ties so you can go take a sauna.
Two years ago, I met this beautiful, intriguing girl. I gave her my number, but she never called. Last week, she texted out of the blue. Weird! My friend said she probably had a boyfriend until now. Do women really hoard men's info in case their relationship tanks?
--Wondering
Consider the male BFF. A woman may not consciously think of hers as her backup man. But should her relationship go kaput, there he is -- perfectly situated to dry her tears. Um, with his penis.
There seems to be an evolutionary adaptation for people in relationships -- especially women -- to line up backup mates. It's basically a form of doomsday prepping -- except instead of a bunker with 700 cans of beans and three slightly dented Hellfire missiles, there are two eligible men on the shelves of a woman's mind and the phone number of another on a crumpled ATM receipt in the back of her wallet.
Evolutionary psychologists Joshua Duntley and David Buss explain that in ancestral times, even people "experiencing high relationship satisfaction would have benefited from cultivating potential replacement mates" in case their partner cheated, ditched them, died, or dropped a few rungs in mate value. A woman whose partner left or died "would have suffered a lapse in protection, mate investment, and resources for her children, much like people who transition between jobs in the modern environment sometimes suffer a lapse in insurance coverage."
Duntley and Buss note that female psychology today still has women prepping for romantic disaster like they're living in caves and lean-tos instead of condos and McMansions. For example, in research on opposite-sex friendships, "women, but not men, prioritize economic resources and physical prowess in their opposite-sex friends, a discrepancy that mirrors sex-differences in mate preferences."
Getting back to this woman who texted you, she probably saw something in you from the start but was otherwise encumbered. So, yes, she's likely been carrying a torch for you, but for two years, it's been in airplane mode.
June 6, 2017I got in an argument with my boyfriend about the reason not to have sex outside our relationship. He said he wouldn't do it because he wouldn't want to hurt me. I said he shouldn't want to be with anybody else, but he said that's just not realistic for guys. Are men really just these unfeeling sex machines?
--Dismayed
Male sexuality is about as sentimental as an oar.
In fact, if there's one secret guys try to keep from women, it's this: A man can really love a woman and still want to spend the afternoon wrecking the bed with her BFF, her well-preserved mom, and her sister.
As awful as that probably sounds, men's evolved lust for sexual variety isn't something you and other women should take personally. Evolutionary psychologists David Buss and David Schmitt explain that genetically speaking, it's generally in a man's interest to pursue a "short-term sexual strategy" -- pounce and bounce, coitus and, um, avoid us -- with as many women as possible.
This isn't to say men evolved to be entirely without discernment. Because "beautiful" features (like pillowy lips and an hourglass bod) reflect health and fertility, if a man has a choice in casual sexmates, he'll go for a hot woman, but if he doesn't, he'll go for a woman with a pulse.
However, Buss and Schmitt explain that there are times when it's to a man's advantage to pursue a "long-term sexual strategy" -- commitment to one woman. It's a quality-over-quantity strategy -- wanting a woman with "high mate value" (one who's physically and psychologically desirable enough to hold out for a guy who'll commit). Other factors include seeking the emotional, social, and cooperative benefits of a partnership and wanting to retire from the time-, energy-, and resource-suck of working the ladies on Match.com like a second job.
In light of this, think about what your boyfriend's really telling you by opting for "Honey, where do I sign away my sexual freedom?" This isn't dismaying, degrading, or any of the other bummer D-words. In fact, it's really romantic, considering that men evolved to be sexual foragers. But for your boyfriend's desire to make a life with you, he could be wandering the planet and sharing his life and hopes and dreams -- uh, for about six minutes and 23 seconds -- with a wide variety of oiled-up naked strangers.
My boyfriend of five years has gotten super moody. He picks fights with me and even gets a little verbally abusive and condescending. I know he's a good guy, and I want to help him sort through his stuff, but I'm finding myself flirting with other guys and fantasizing about cheating on him. I am not the kind of person who cheats, and I feel terribly guilty even having those thoughts.
--Demeaned
Ideally, "I've never felt this way before!" reflects something a little more romantic than longing to tunnel out of your relationship with a sharpened spoon.
I wrote recently about a cocktail of personality traits that are associated with a susceptibility to infidelity in a person -- basically those of a narcissistic, lazy con artist with all the empathy of a bent tack. That finding is from research by evolutionary psychologists Todd Shackelford and David Buss, who also studied the emotional circumstances in a relationship that might lead one of the partners to cheat or to want to (even if that person isn't some ethically bankrupt, empathy-deficient turdpiece).
They found that there are two personality characteristics someone can have that make a relationship particularly miserable. One is emotional instability -- marked by mood swings and a gloomy obsessiveness about things beyond one's control. As Buss explains in "The Dangerous Passion," when emotional instability is paired with quarrelsomeness (and all of the ugly condescension, sniping, and emotional neglect that goes with it), relationships become "cauldrons of conflict." This, in turn, raises the odds that one's partner will seek solace in the, um, back seat of another.
Part of being in a relationship is taking out the trash when it starts to overflow -- including the psychological trash spilling out of the dumpster that has become "you." Talk compassionately with your boyfriend about the need for him to start figuring out and fixing whatever's causing him to act out in toxic ways.
Don't expect change at "Poof!" speed, but look for signs that he's taking meaningful steps to dig out of his emotional winter. Give yourself some time markers -- maybe the two-week mark, a month from now, the three-month mark. This should keep you from just blindly continuing along with a partner whose interests could be advertised as: Enjoys dive bars, French cinema, long screaming arguments on the beach, and staying up till dawn pondering the age-old question, "I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?!"