Tale Of Whoa
A dear friend who's also a co-worker just went through a breakup with her girlfriend, and she's devastated. I don't know what to tell her. I've tried everything: You dodged a bullet; it's a blessing in disguise; you're better off without her; you should get back out there. Everything I say seems to be wrong, and she gets angry. She's crying and isolating a lot, and I want to help, but I don't know how.
--Clueless
Clearly, your heart's in the right place. However, you might send your mouth on a several-week vacation to a no-talking retreat.
Consider that we don't say to people who are grieving over someone who's died, "C'mon, think positive! One less person you have to call! And didn't he live kinda far out of town? Be glad you don't have to make that schlep anymore!" It helps to bear in mind the theory that evolutionary psychologist and psychiatrist Randolph Nesse has about sadness (and its goth sister, depression): These emotions -- like all emotions -- have functions. For example, being sad (like about a breakup) leads us to reflect on where we may have gone wrong -- and possibly gain insights that will keep us from making return visits to Boohooville.
Also, note that not all emotions advertise -- that is, have visible outward signs announcing to those around us how we're feeling. Take envy. When your boss gives your rival the promotion you wanted, there's no specific facial expression that conveys your longing for a well-targeted meteorite to take her out "Wizard of Oz"-style. However, Nesse suggests that one of the possible evolutionary reasons for the very visible signs of sadness may be to signal to others that we need care -- a message that gets sent loud and clear when one is sobbing into the shoulder of the bewildered Office Depot delivery guy.
Being mindful that sadness has a job to do should help you stop pressing your friend to see the "good" in "goodbye." Probably, the kindest thing you can do is to try to be comfortable with her discomfort and just be there for her. Hand her a Kleenex and listen instead of attempting to drag her kicking and screaming to closure: "It's 10 a.m. Aren't you overdue for a round of cartwheels?"
I take it from the tone of the quoted paragraph that the LW regards the co-worker's GF as being a narcissist. If that's true, then the co-worker is experiencing a whole bunch of conflicting emotions right now. There's a sort of Stockholm syndrome that results from being in a relationship with a narcissist. It takes a while to recover from. My advice to the LW: Offer your friendship, be a good listener, and talk to her about anything other than dating or relationships. She probably isn't going to be ready for dating for a while. One of the best things you can do for your friend right now is help her take her mind off of it for a few minutes or hours here and there.
Cousin Dave at June 22, 2017 6:29 AM
LW, it seems that you are making your friend's problem all about you. Back off already!
bkmale at June 22, 2017 6:47 AM
Yeah, you kind of have to treat the person like they're in mourning. Saying "move on" right after a break-up isn't helpful or kind, even if you haaaaated that person's ex.
That said, LW's co-worker shouldn't expect every single person to say the right thing that will magically make her feel better. Instead of getting mad at LW, she should find another shoulder to cry on and then come to LW when she's ready to have the productive moving-on talks.
sofar at June 22, 2017 10:36 AM
Imagine your co-worker's dog died and she is grieving. Is it helpful to say, 'You're better off without him?' Don't put your co-worker on the defensive and in a position to have to defend her ex-boyfriend to you. Just acknowledge her grief and stop being critical. You're only making her feel worse about herself at a time when you should be supportive.
Pirate Jo at June 28, 2017 9:24 AM
"I want to help, but I don't know how. "
Similar thing happened to me.
My friend had a humongous brain tumor and I wanted to help but didn't know how.
So I just jumped in there and started hacking away.
I mean, yeah, I did some damage, but come on. It was so unfair to me to hear his complaints and fears.
Why he didn't just shake it off and join the non-tumor world I'll never understand.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at June 28, 2017 10:31 AM
Sometimes it's better to comfort a friend with statements that help put things in perspective. (I myself found the hated statement "he's in a better place" tremendously helpful when I was going through a death...so as you can see, it depends on the person.) Other times the grieving person just needs a listening ear or silence and a hug. It's hard to know which to do without being seen as callous or unfeeling. In the current situation LW should learn from her mistakes and just give a hug, until and unless her friend hints that she wants something more.
NJ at July 3, 2017 5:45 AM
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