Bleachable Moments
I went through a crazy party girl period in my 20s. My boyfriend recently asked me how many men I'd slept with before him. I told him, and he freaked out at the number -- despite his having his own wild past. Now I wish I hadn't been honest. What should I have said instead?
--Glum
It's usually best to keep mum if the number of men is something like "I'm not exactly sure because the census takers keep fainting from exhaustion while they're tallying up my total."
There is a sexual double standard, though it doesn't come from men wanting to keep women's sex drives in park (which wouldn't exactly serve their interest). What's telling, however, are sex differences in jealousy -- specifically, jealousy over infidelity. Evolutionary psychologist David Buss finds that men across cultures are most distressed by sexual infidelity -- the sex acts themselves. Though women aren't exactly "yeah, whatevs" about their partner's doing the nudie tootie with another woman, women are substantially more distressed by his being emotionally gaga about someone else. (A woman's first question is inevitably: "But do you luvvvv her?!")
These differences in freakouts dovetail with men's and women's differing evolutionary concerns. Women evolved to worry that their partner would divert his investment of time, energy, and resources in her and her children to a rival. Men, however, have a different worry. Because a man can never really be sure whether a child is his ("paternity uncertainty"), any sex act his partner has with another man could lead to his spending decades feeding and caring for some other dude's genetic offspring.
The thing is, having a crazy party girl period doesn't mean you're unethical. It's possible that pointing that out to your boyfriend might help. If, in the future, another boyfriend asks for your sexual tally, be generally honest -- you were a bit of a party girl -- but avoid giving any specific number that suggests that this involved much of the Democratic Party (and a few straggling Greens).
I'm a statistical outlier when it comes to most human reactions.
Personally I could care less how many men a woman has been with before me. I'm far more pissed when I'm the guy they decide to NOT have the crazy uninhibited sex with.
I always tell people never ask a question you dont want an honest answer to. I'm curious as to how old she is and what her number is.
I knew a guy who dumped his girl because he was the third guy she ever slept with, some people have weird thresholds for stuff
lujlp at July 5, 2017 1:36 AM
Why even answer they question???? It is nobody's business. As long as the STD tests check out, it makes no difference and is irrelevant.
Stormy at July 5, 2017 8:22 AM
Well, is history relevant or not?
Would a woman marry a man who was divorced 5 times? Would a woman marry a man who had a domestic violence charge against him?
Well, as we have seen, it is yes in both cases. We know SOME women who have done just that. Will MOST women feel that way if they have any other options? Would you, as a girlfriend hearing about this about a new beau, not raise a voice of caution?
Ahem!
If maintaining a relationship is a skill, and being satisfied inside a relationship is a character trait, what information should a man take from 'Wylde Chylde' who never had a relationship which lasted longer than a phase of the moon about her skills or character?
Why should he think HIS chances for 'being the one' are any better than the other 50 guys who obviously weren't?
He might not be correct on an individual basis, but he is certainly not out of line for playing the odds that way.
FIDO at July 6, 2017 8:29 AM
I'm curious how old she and her boyfriend are now. If she went through a crazy party girl period in her 20s and that was a decade ago, it's just not relevant information at this point. In data management, we say the information is ready to be purged.
Pirate Jo at July 6, 2017 3:28 PM
Most women just lie: It's the 2/3 rule. Drunken hookups don't count, neither do ones where there wasn't really any emotional investment, or when "I accidentally had sex with a guy", and so on.
Here's what: when someone asks "How many people have you SLEPT with?", just eliminate all the booty calls where you didn't SLEEP together; you just went home, instead.
Men lately find they're falling into a "cuddle-b!tch" trap, actually SLEEPING with women, with no sex involved. How do you count these? Such men are often pattern "Nice Guys", who genuinely allow themselves to believe they are being noble about this kind of thing.
jefe at July 6, 2017 7:57 PM
Pirate Jo,
I would think this information rather relevant.
It's a 'do as I would do' situation. If, tragically, my wife died when I was in my 30's, I would 'be a wild childe' and see what variety was out there for a week, a month, a year or even two.
And then I would find another substantial woman to be a LTR.
So I wouldn't be upset with a history of 'wild', LTR, 'wild', LTR. She shows a desire and ability for an LTR.
If all she had in the prior decade was 'wild', 'wild', 'wild', 'wild', 'wild', 'wild', well, that is certainly a specific set of signaling on what she really wants. A whole decade of that behavior shows a trend.
Maybe she changed. Maybe she didn't. Maybe she wants to change, HAS wanted to change, but hasn't had the ability or skills.
She isn't a bad person, but she isn't the right person for someone like me...or it seems the LW's BF. And it seems that if the LW's BF has other options, she is not going to hold onto him much longer unless she is very special indeed.
(Shrug) It's men. We have no need to apologize for feeling this way any more than women should for preferring men over 6' tall.
FIDO at July 7, 2017 4:50 AM
> This matters more to young and inexperienced people. If you get a higher result by adding your numbers together than by multiplying - WATCH OUT!
> It's a refelction of his level of security with his own experience. You can be more open with confident men who have lived a life true to themselves - be it achieving quantity or quality - than you can with younger boys. Still...
> I don't care what her number is, so long as it's lower than mine.
smurfy at July 12, 2017 9:11 AM
Hmm.
Traci Lords is married.
You can be, umm, creeped out that her guy married her after she did so much as a porn star...
... or you can recognize that of all people, Traci might just know who's worthy, and that her guy won.
Radwaste at July 16, 2017 3:56 PM
Reminds me of Clerks!
NicoleK at July 23, 2017 11:49 AM
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