Speaking Ill Of The Dud
I have a close friend whose relationships always end badly. The new guy she's dating has a reputation as a user. My friend's very successful, and I believe he's dating her for her business contacts. I need to be honest with her about this. How should I do that -- considering she falls in love hard and fast?
--Caring Amiga
People will insist that they absolutely want you to be honest with them when they're doing anything stupid -- and then immediately reward you for it by exiling you from Western society to live and herd goats with a Bedouin family.
Yes, even well-intentioned honesty is often counterproductive. This might be hard for you to swallow, considering how warning your friend about this guy probably seems like warning her that she's about to be hit by a bus. And sure, if that were the case, upon your "YO! WATCH OUT!" she'd whirl around and leap out of the way -- not stand her ground and snap: "You dunno what you're talking about. Buses love me!"
Though it's hard to deny the existence of a 24-ton object hurtling toward us, seeing things accurately is not always the first order of the human perceptual system. In fact, evolutionary psychologist Martie Haselton explains that we seem to have evolved to make the least costly perceptual error in a situation -- a subconscious calculation that sometimes leads to our over-perceiving or under-perceiving risks or opportunities. For example, in the physical risk domain, we are predisposed to over-perceive that stick in the rustling leaves as a snake because it's far more costly to die from a snake bite than to "die" of embarrassment when our peeps mock us for jumping out of our skin at a sinister-looking twig.
In relationships, social psychologist Garth Fletcher and his colleagues find that it's sometimes in our interest to err on the side of "positivity" -- the rosy view -- over "accuracy." (Love is blind versus love gets Lasik!) Whether positivity or accuracy is active is context-dependent -- meaning determined by our situation. So, for example, when you're in no rush to settle down, positivity vision prevails. Positive illusions are "associated with greater relationship satisfaction and lower rates of dissolution." Other times, "the need to make accurate, unbiased judgments becomes critical," like when a little voice inside you is yelling "It's baby o'clock!" and you'll need a guy who'll stick around and "dad."
Unfortunately, your even hinting that this guy may have ulterior motives is likely to make your friend snarlingly defensive -- which is to say she may end up throwing somebody out of her life, and it probably won't be him. Of course, it's possible that you're wrong about the guy. Regardless, per the Fletcher team's finding, your friend's being able to see anything beyond how dreamypants he is may be driven by context -- like when maintaining the rosy view would prove fatal to her achieving some essential goal. At that point, she might start noticing that their threesomes invariably involve the head of HR -- and that if she asked him "Baby, what's your favorite position?" his answer would be "vice president!"
Yeah, unless someone's in danger, you kinda have to let people make their own mistakes when it comes to romantic relationships. Unsolicited advise is often a bad idea in general anyway.
If she comes to you and complains, "He's only good to me when I'm helping him network," then you might seize on that and say, "Hey I trust your judgement, but that doesn't seem like something that someone who cared about you would do."
sofar at July 19, 2017 12:22 PM
What about 'and'?
He may find her professionally useful AND he might also want to give her a test ride to see if they fit.
This is called the 'bonus' plan.
Sort of like a woman REALLY in love and wanting to be married to a guy AND he just happens to be reasonably well off.
Far be it from me to disparage the honesty of her first assertion. Love is great...AND adding self interest is an added bonus for 'stick together-ism'.
They have business in common. Lot of great relationships started that way.
Let me just add that it is equally likely LW's friend may have a better view of who this guy actually is...or perhaps a better analysis of what she wants (or will accept) out of a boyfriend.
It might be that LW friend might know quite clearly that he isn't Prince Charming, but is Prince Present...and will resent having her nose rubbed in any sense of 'settling'.
FIDO at July 19, 2017 1:27 PM
Benjamin Disraeli married his wife (who was some 20 years older than he) for her money. And then, after that, he fell in love with her.
Perhaps the LW's friend will have a fortune partnership in more ways than one. I haven't, myself, but she might.
Topaz at January 10, 2018 10:18 AM
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