Lewd Skywalker
A guy friend of 20 years and I once fooled around years ago. Though he has a girlfriend, he keeps throwing sexual remarks into our conversations, sending inappropriate texts, and asking me to send naked photos. I wouldn't be interested even if he were single, and I've been giving subtle hints, like "ha-ha...gotta go," right after he says something provocative, but it isn't working. How do I politely get him to stop without ruining a very long friendship?
--Upset
As a means of communication, hinting to a man is like having a heartfelt conversation with your salad.
This isn't to say men are dumb. They just aren't emotional cryptographers. Social psychologist Judith A. Hall finds that women are generally far better at spotting and interpreting nonverbal messages (from, say, facial expressions and body language, including that female specialty, the pout).
Women tend to use their own ability for decoding unspoken stuff as the standard for what they expect from men. So, for example, the longer a man takes to notice that his girlfriend is pouting (perhaps about what was initially some minor to-do) the darker things get -- with hate glares and maybe some cabinet-slamming...and then, the grand finale: "Hey, heartless! Time for a monthlong reunion with your first sex partner, aka your right hand!"
There's also a major sex difference in how males and females speak. A body of research finds that from childhood on, males tend to be direct: "Gimme my truck, butthead!" Females tend to be indirect (couching what they want in hints and polite and even apologetic language): "Um, sorry, but I think that's my Barbie."
Psychologist Joyce Benenson points out that these conversational sex differences line right up with evolved sex differences in our, uh, job descriptions. Men evolved to be the warrior-protectors of the species. This is not done with coy hints: "Oh, Genghis, you look so much more tan and handsome while invading our neighbors to the north."
Women's mealy-mouthing, on the other hand, dovetails with a need to avoid physical confrontation, which could leave them unable to have children or to care for the ones they've already had. However, in women's self-protectively not quite saying what they mean, they trade off being understood -- especially by men.
Making matters worse, research by evolutionary psychologists Martie Haselton and David Buss on the "sexual overperception bias" in men suggests that the male mind evolved to be a bit dense to a woman's signals that she isn't interested. Basically, men seem evolutionarily predisposed to make errors in judgment in whether to pursue or keep pursuing a woman -- erring in whichever way would be least costly to their mating interests. So, for example, you might eventually forgive this guy for all the tacky come-ons, but his genes won't if they miss that vagina-shaped bus into future generations.
In other words, in giving this guy "subtle hints," you aren't being polite; you're being wildly ineffective. Yank off the marshmallow fluff and tell him: "I need you to kill all the sex talk. Immediately. And yes, this includes requests for naked selfies." (Be prepared to need to repeat yourself.) If he really is a friend, he'll continue being one. He might even become a better one -- the sort you can call anytime, day or night, from the coldest place on the globe, and he'll say, "I'll be there with the sled dogs pronto," not, "Text me a shot of your boobs before you die of hypothermia!"
He's being direct, so don't feel bad about being direct. If he were subtly flirting to the point where you're not 100% sure he's flirting, that would be one thing. But he's saying "send nudes."
If he gets angry when you tell him to kill the sex talk, he wasn't a friend and never will be.
sofar at August 23, 2017 7:43 AM
There is a small, vanishingly small, chance he really is joking around. Does his sense of humor tend to miss with the rest of your friends? Does he do that in front of there people? Does his current GF know you two usta screw?
Could be he is a dick and this is his passive aggressive way of punishing you.
Could be he sees this as an inside joke between the two of you.
Could be he has decided he wants you back
You'll never know til you have a frank discussion, so do that
lujlp at August 23, 2017 11:58 AM
Women see in 4K. Men see in CGA.
Feminine subtleties are often wasted on men. Directness is their preferred language.
She: Let's paint the den chartreuse.
He: Chartreuse?
She: You know, baby-shit green.
He: Oh. Gotcha.
Wallawallawands at August 25, 2017 11:34 AM
Chartreuse is green?
I thought it was red
lujlp at August 25, 2017 11:58 AM
It is red, in certain lighting.
Grey Ghost at August 28, 2017 5:13 AM
Nope. Chartreuse is definitely a shade of green, named after a greenish liqueur.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chartreuse_(color)
If chartreuse still looks red to you, bring it up with your physician or optometrist.
Wallawallawanda at September 2, 2017 6:38 PM
I've had to unfriend and block guys for this sort of thing before, even after I straight up said I didn't want anything flirty or suggestive they'd keep doing it. Some guys won't get it even if you say it straight out. So there you go.
NicoleK at September 8, 2017 5:41 AM
Lujlp, I second "see your physician and/or optometrist"; red-green colorblindness is fairly common, and 8% of the world's men are color blind.
Topaz at January 10, 2018 9:16 AM
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