Pippi Bongstocking
I'm in recovery, and my best friend and I have sleepovers every few months. She's come over drunk and/or high on pot the past few times. It's not that it's triggering for me; she's just annoying and not herself when she's loaded. How do I ask her to not come over trashed?
--Sober
What does she do when she isn't visiting you -- attend Mass in a "Lucifer Rules!" T-shirt, pop by the animal rights march in a mink vest, and then park her ice cream truck outside the Jenny Craig meeting?
Though you know what you need to tell her -- don't come over trashed -- you're probably being tripped up by something I wrote about recently: how women evolved to be the confrontation-avoiders of our species, probably to protect their ability to have and care for children. In 1990, developmental psychologist Eleanor Maccoby reviewed the research on sex differences in communication and found what researchers continue to see today: A major goal of girls' (and women's) speech is "to be 'nice' and sustain social relationships," while for males, "the agenda is more often the single one of self-assertion."
Though being direct may not be natural for you, there are many things in our lives that aren't "natural": deodorant, motor vehicles, buying dinner at the supermarket instead of waiting behind a tree to club it with a rock. You're simply asking your friend to be appropriate to the situation. You could open with an air bag of sorts -- "I love you and love having you over" -- and then say, "But, from now on, please don't show up drunk or high for our sleepovers." Enduring a little discomfort in the moment should keep you from being commandeered into future "fun" drinking games like "Let's flip your cat over and do shots off her belly. I'll do vodka; you do water. Last one to lose an eye wins!"
Do I hear that the friend only comes over drunk or high? Or only occasionally? Or in between? Somewhere in there is another problem.
Richard Aubrey at August 30, 2017 5:19 AM
Consider changing up the venue. Maybe a sober Pretty Little Liars marathon wouldn't be that much fun for her either. And then all that relationship stressing confrontation gets you nowhere.
My analogous situation: I do not drink anymore. One casualty was that the semi-annual guy's weekend with my college buddies became kind of a drag. Even as we get on into our forties and the keg became a pony keg, and then a few 12 packs there are still guys falling off the balcony and drunken unnecessarily-heated arguments and other annoyances. So now instead of renting a flat or a couple of hotel rooms in Vegas we go camping. I've got my own space and can just go for a walk in the woods while they're sucking down rum-ritas and hitting on girls who could almost be our daughters.
smurfy at August 30, 2017 10:34 AM
I'm going to be one of those people.
I spent some time working in weight loss industry, including working for Jenny Craig. They do not have meetings. They have prepackaged carby low fat junk food and one on one counseling.
You are thinking of Weight Watchers or Overeater's Anonymous. (Both of which are equally as awful, as they shame people in front of crowds and the bigger ladies are mean to those who are close to goal weight.)
It's an interesting, yet horrifying industry that is actively creating eating disorders--counselors end up disordered as well. I'd love to see you attack it Amy.
SophieK at August 30, 2017 4:10 PM
And I'm going to be one of those people, as well.
I have done WW a few times in a few different areas and they do not shame people in front of crowds and I also haven't seen much meanness either. if anyone has tried to pull any shit(like be catty, etc.), the leader has nipped it in the bud.
My only issue with WW is it is difficult to maintain any of the eating plans for long term so you end up back there.
Linny at August 31, 2017 2:35 PM
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