Plenty Of Dead Fish
My girlfriend and I broke up recently, so I'm back in the dating pool. Do you think online dating is a good way to meet people? If so, which are the best dating sites?
--Diving In
Asking "Which dating site is best?" is like asking, "Is pro basketball a viable career?" That question can only be answered by asking other questions, such as: "Aren't you a 47-year-old, 5'2" Ashkenazi Jewish woman with 20/80 vision and bad knees?"
To put this another way, context matters -- which isn't what they tell you in Datingsiteville. Save for specialty sites -- like those for farmers, the disabled, and people who relish a good flogging -- the advertising for these venues tends to be context-free: "Hey, everybody in the entire galaxy, get your lasting love here!"
Annoyingly, though most of us have a sense of what context is, nobody's done a very good job of defining it -- either in the dictionary or in Researchville, where I found a herd of dueling definitions, all so unhelpfully worded that they seem to be in secret code. So here's my definition: Context is a combo platter of the particular situation at hand -- like pro basketball, online dating, being a bad dancer, or being sexually attracted to woodchucks -- plus the details relevant to it that affect how you understand or experience the situation.
In the context of online dating, the relevant details include age, sex, the quality of the competition, and one's desired situation, as in: Do you just want casual sex, or are you holding out for something a little more, uh, black tie.
There are sex differences in when people are at their most appealing, because men and women tend to be at their highest "mate value" at different ages. This comes out of how male sexuality evolved to be visually driven (because the features men find beautiful -- youth being the biggie -- are associated with fertility). Women, however, evolved to go for "providers" -- men with high status and earning power. So, online dating tends to be more fruitful if you're a hot 23-year-old female espresso jockey or a 43-year-old male VP of a successful startup, but it can have some challenges for the 43-year-old female startup star or the 23-year-old dude who's the senior vice barista.
So the question is not whether dating sites work but whether the qualities you have and the situation you're seeking add up to more than a few tumbleweeds blowing around in your inbox. Because online dating success is shaped more by personal context (and plain old luck) than by the particular site you're on, you might experiment with two or three. If things go poorly, use online dating as a supplement to meeting women the retro way, like at cocktail parties, where you won't be competing with the 362 more genetically blessed males within a 35-mile radius. This vastly increases your chances of dazzling the ladies with your personality -- distracting them from how Mother Nature zoned out when she was handing out necks to your family.
I got my first computer partly to play the internet dating... it was after a woman I knew brought home her new internet heart-throb, from Amsterdam, and married him.
I immediately realized, I had no idea what I was doing! On an inspiration, I googled "Pick up women", and the first thing it gave me was Pickupguide.com. Reading it, I felt gobsmacked, "Where was this knowledge when I was starting out?" In fact the internet is awash in men's advice sites like this. All one needs to do is ask. I'd been searching for this for years, but didn't know what to look for. It's not just about basic pickup, it's really about lifestyle growth and more, such as the whole psychology of relationships and dating. Amy lists Robert Glover in her sidebar links-- he of the book "No More Mr Nice Guy!" also has a men's advice forum for those struggling with dating and relating issues based on our very flawed upbringing. This is stuff men need to be taught in the 8th grade. Internet dating is only part of the package, and there's tips galore in how to get results. For me, it has turned into quite a journey. I only wish I'd had this when I was twenty...
jefe at August 9, 2017 5:54 PM
Eh, online dating can work just fine. But I agree with Amy in that you need to know your mate value and be okay with trying to pick up others within it. If you're super hot and/or have stuff going for you that sounds amazing online (note that women are pretty well tuned to hearing "surgeon" and thinking "guy who empties bed pans" because there are so many liars), it'll probably go well. If you have a hard time expressing yourself online and/or aren't the best looking, you'll probably have success if you go for more average women.
And if you express yourself poorly online but are scintillating in person, online dating probably isn't great for you.
Mahakra at August 9, 2017 7:01 PM
But I agree with Amy in that you need to know your mate value and be okay with trying to pick up others within it.
There is the rub, isn't it?
Men appreciate a waist more than an MBA.
FIDO at August 10, 2017 1:47 AM
'Cause online I'm down in Hollywood
I'm 6'5 and I look damn good
I drive a Maserati
I'm a black belt in Karate
And I love a good glass of wine
Snoopy at August 10, 2017 5:06 AM
You, also, need to expect a certain level of puffery in the self-descriptions and, somewhat older photos. A friend who had lived in Georgetown, KY, always marveled at the magic powers of the Ohio River: "People age 10 - 20 years and gain 30 lbs. just driving over the bridge from Cincinnati."
Wfjag at August 10, 2017 9:28 AM
I am currently on three sites. It becomes more apparent everyday that I'm going to die alone.
Tru at August 13, 2017 1:31 PM
The best dating site is the dance floor, so learn to dance! There are always more women than men, so even a passably good dancin' man will be in demand. Dancers are lovely people - warm, welcoming and fun. The more you dance, the better you will become so soon women will be asking you to dance. Plus you get to hear about all the best dancing spots and so enlarge your circle of "possibles"! Even if you do not meet The One on the dance floor, you will be having fun - guaranteed. I have always maintained that if we all went out dancing, there would be no need for online dating sites.
Via at August 18, 2017 9:20 AM
Men appreciate a waist more than an MBA.
Not sure that that's 100% true. A lot of guys (esp. those looking to marry) do care whether a woman comes with assets or 100K in credit card debt. But both genders care about what they'll get out of a relationship...and the better you look (or can look) on paper, the better I think online dating is for you.
Mahkara at August 18, 2017 7:05 PM
Yeah, I have gained and lost a lot of weight many times over the years, but the thing that affected my dating the most ended up being my Master's degree. I know it is unintuitive, but I think it's when I jumped up to someone people could impress their Moms with.
NicoleK at September 8, 2017 5:47 AM
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