Getting A Friend To Exorcise
I'm trying to get over a breakup, and one of my best friends, in an attempt to help me move on, keeps saying, "He doesn't want you!" I get that (and I do need to move on), but hearing that makes me feel unlovable and even more depressed. I am seeing what went wrong; I should have believed him when he told me at the very beginning that he was "terrified of relationships." I'm sure it's frustrating for her to see me in pain, but I'm just not ready to get back out there. What do I tell her so she stops making me feel worse?
--Still Sad
Misery sometimes wishes company would shut its big flapping trap.
Of course, your friend means well. She just wants Pain and its BFF, Suffering, to bugger off already. However, like most people, she probably doesn't understand that the sadness you're experiencing isn't just a crappy feeling. Like all emotions, it has a job to do. In fact, sadness is a tool, just like a hammer, a plunger, or a Winkelschleifer (German for angle grinder).
Psychiatrist and evolutionary psychologist Randolph Nesse explains that "happiness and sadness usually follow experiences of gain or loss," helping us by "influencing future behavior" in ways that increase our chances of passing along our genes (including surviving long enough to manage that).
Happiness, for example, urges us (about whatever led to it), "Do that again and you'll see even more of me!" Sadness, on the other hand, warns us, "Do that again, missy, and I'll drag you right back to Boohoosville." Though sadness can seem like some kind of punishment you don't remember deserving, Nesse writes that "those people who don't experience much sadness ... are predicted to engage again in the same behaviors that previously led to loss."
Thank your friend for trying to make you feel better, but tell her that what you need from her is not tough love but the kind that involves hugs, Kleenex, and maybe a snack. Explain the utility of sadness -- and how you're using it as a tool to understand the past and act more wisely in the future. In other words, you aren't stalling in moving on; you're learning -- and not just how long you have to cry before the neighbors start going to work in rowboats and the government sends in the National Guard with sandbags and a year's supply of Cheetos.
While I kind of understand the tough-love approach, I agree that it's probably counterproductive. Perhaps urging the LW to move on in a more positive way might work better. Years ago, when I young coworker was dumped by her boyfriend, I suggested that her next boyfriend would be nicer, handsomer, and smarter than the one that dumped her.
She said that she thought her last boyfriend was a pretty smart guy. I said, "He let you get away! How smart can he be?"
She kind of liked that.
Old RPM Daddy at September 27, 2017 9:36 AM
Of all places to see this fought, a Bar Rescue episode featured Taffer shouting at a manager to STOP REMINDING HER OF HER FAILURE, regarding an employee.
Example, manager/bartender conversation: "You can do this, you're not an addict any more!"
It isn't obvious, but telling someone they are beyond {period/method of failure} by bringing it up constantly is NOT positive reinforcement.
All it did was remind the poor woman she failed.
It took a couple of tries by the superhumanly loud Jon Taffer to get the manager to shut up about the past entirely, but he finally got the point across: the quiet expression that you will do what is necessary to succeed, and acknowledging when that happens is much more productive for everybody!
Radwaste at September 28, 2017 11:24 AM
Different people often need different things, the friend is probably going 'this worked for me should work for you' and then not being told it's making things worse.
Odds are she is saying things like 'maybe if I do x he will take me back' and the friend is trying to break her out of that.
Joe J at October 3, 2017 6:45 AM
Tell her, "I am aware he does not want me. It hurts so much that he does not want me. Please stop telling me he does not want me, I already know it, and having you hammer at it makes it hurt even more. Can you please find some other way to help me through this?"
NicoleK at October 4, 2017 1:52 AM
Be specific about what you need from her, just tell her, "I would like you to humour me when I talk about ways of winning him back" or "I would like you to just listen when I tell you about it"
NicoleK at October 4, 2017 1:53 AM
Just don´t go runnin´ to this particular friend when you want to be sad or gripe or moan, she is not that type. There are plenty of great moaning about men/depression/lousy relationships girlfriend types and when you just want sympathy go to these friends. When you are ready to get over it go to friend 1 who is a motivation type.
zapf at October 4, 2017 12:29 PM
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