Penis On The Half-Shell
A guy my girlfriend dated seven years ago is now an aspiring artist, and he gave my girlfriend one of his paintings. It's abstract, splashy, and horrible. I find it disrespectful of him to give it to her (because she's in a relationship). She said he does lots of paintings, sells almost none, and gives them as gifts to all of his friends. I asked her to throw it away, but she said that would be "too mean" and shoved it under the bed. Am I being overly jealous, or is it wrong to accept gifts from exes?
--Chafed
Art -- especially abstract art -- says different things to different people. To you, the painting screams, "Ha-ha, I had sex with your girlfriend!" To everyone else, it's probably an expression of a moment -- the one that came seconds after "Outta the way! I had some bad clams!"
It makes sense that a gift from a guy to your girlfriend would set off your internal alarms. Consider, as evolutionary behavioral scientist Gad Saad points out, that one sex -- the male one -- woos (as in, tries to get the other into bed) with gifts. When a guy arrives to pick a woman up, she doesn't open the door with "Surprise, bro! Got you these roses! Take off your pants!"
As I somewhat frequently explain, this difference comes out of how sex can cost women big-time in a way it doesn't cost men -- with pregnancy and the 18-year after-party. So, women evolved to go for men who are willing and able to invest in any little, uh, nipple nibblers they give birth to, and gift-giving can be a signal of that.
Your being upset over the painting could be a subconscious reaction to this. But considering that this guy is handing out paintings like they're "We Buy Gold!" leaflets, this gift to your girlfriend is probably a sign of a few things: He paints badly (though prolifically) and lacks storage space.
In general, as for whether it's okay to accept gifts from exes, context counts. Did the two people break up just yesterday or a decade ago? Are there still feelings bubbling up? Was the ex's gift, say, a tire jack or a diamond-encrusted thong?
Because this was just an ugly painting given to your girlfriend by a friend (long stripped of benefits), she did the kind thing and accepted it. So maybe just appreciate that her willingness to shove it under the bed relieves you of the need to suggest an even better location: a la "Can I offer you a steak -- mesquite-grilled with just a hint of carcinogenic paint fumes?"
I see three possibilities here:
- The relationship isn't going well, and he's looking for an excuse to dump her;
- The relationship isn't going well, and he's hyper-alert for signs that she's getting ready to dump him;
- He's freakishly insecure.
Rex Little at September 12, 2017 10:04 PM
I would judge the acceptability of a gift from an ex (mine or his) by saying "Did he/she treat me/him well during the relationship?"
A yes answer and I say thank you and accept it. A no answer and I don't.
Does it being under the bed where you have sex bother you? Let her know. I'm sure there's closet space or an attic it can go into.
P.S. from an 80 year old GreatGrandmother: except for the dating seven years ago part, you sound like a whiny 18 year old. Pick up those big boy shorts and grow some balls in them.
Elizabeth Falkner at September 12, 2017 11:17 PM
Elizabeth, that might be a tad harsh, but... I'd want to tell him, "Dude, she chose you over him!" It's not beyond the realm of possibility that Artist Boy really is trying to woo her back, but she's with the LW, so it doesn't matter. Clearly, she felt awkward about not rejecting the gift and hurting Artist Boy's feelings, but that's just a natural tendency for women. After all, she's not insisting on hanging it on the wall. Leave it under the bed, and in a few years, when you're doing spring cleaning and going through assorted junk, you can say, "Honey, what should we do with this thing? It's taking up space."
Cousin Dave at September 13, 2017 6:33 AM
Cousin Dave,
We don't know if "Chafed" was the next boyfriend after Artist Boy and the woman actually chose Chafed over AB.
A natural tendency for woman to not want to hurt the feelings of others? I can't begin to tell you how many women I have spoken to (remember, I am 80) who have spent YEARS with a jerk because his feelings might be hurt. There's a difference between being a Dearheart and a Doormat. Women should learn the difference. Most don't.
It won't be in my lifetime, but I hope women will someday learn to pick up their big girl panties and refuse to be treated poorly, notwithstanding hurt feelings.
Elizabeth Falkner at September 13, 2017 7:53 AM
Elizabeth: Considering how often your kind play the provider but have fun with the artsy drunk I see his point. Hell there's a frequent commentator here that outright admits just that under a pseudonym, even brags. How's about you grow whatever bit of anatomy you need to so you stop bleeding successful guys while you have fun with near do wells.
LW:You have nothing to worry about she's not hiding it. If she says it from a friend then you find out it's an ex by accident then worry. IE: A mutual friend sees the painting. Then comments it's like that horrid crap her idiot ex paints. If she accepting it to brighten his otherwise sad life that's the sign of a kind heart. That makes her a keeper. Looks fade, bank accounts fluctuate, fan and poop meet. A kind heart and soul last. Though they can harden if those around her are stupid or cruel.
walter at September 13, 2017 8:58 AM
Walter: You lost me on "your kind". Permanently.
Elizabeth Falkner at September 14, 2017 5:28 AM
Elizabeth, I kind of lost the thread, but... you're right, there may have been BF's between Artist Boy and Chafed. Since Amy's primary market for these things is newspapers, she edits the letters for brevity (column-inches are precious in a newspaper). I may have read something into it that isn't there. Nonetheless, I think the point that GF chooses Chafed over Artist Boy in the here and now stands, in that the painting (apparently) is not luring her back to AB. That's the thing that Chafed needs to get through his head.
And I agree with you on a fair number of women being doormats... it's aggravating for us guys too. It's frustrating to invite a date to a particular restaurant several times, and she always says OK but never seems to enjoy it, and it leaves you wondering if she really hates that restaurant and is just going along. But there's a lot to be said about the relationship style that one is accustomed to, and how it explains why a lot of people (women and men) stay in bad relationships.
Cousin Dave at September 14, 2017 6:39 AM
Walter: You lost me on "your kind". Permanently.
OMG I'm so sad. I cry myself to sleep. The bitter disappointment is killing me.
walter at September 14, 2017 10:39 AM
Oh you assumed that was aimed at a specific personal trait. Nope. The blind contempt for even the slightest insecurities. Regardless of gender the one making the salary gets used by the one not doing so. Back in your day provider meant men. That boat sailed a decade ago at least.
walter at September 14, 2017 10:54 AM
His paintings are so crappy he can't sell them?
Then it's not a gift, it's an insult.
He's using his friends as dumpsters, with the added bonus of creating strife between his ex and her new guy.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at September 14, 2017 11:23 AM
My husband got a painting from a female friend. I have no idea whether he's ever slept with her. He isn't now, as far as I can tell, so zero fucks given. At least ours is good, though. We keep it in the living room.
It's just a painting. In 10 years, she'll dump it and wonder why she ever kept it.
MonicaP at September 15, 2017 7:51 PM
Leave a comment