To Have And To Mold
My otherwise wonderful husband always leaves his wet towel on the bed (on my side!). I've asked him to stop doing this countless times, but I don't think he's being passive-aggressive or anything. I think he just spaces out after showering. How can I get him to remember?
--Soggy
It's good for a man to have goals, though ideally not one that involves growing a fern out of your comforter.
As you appear to understand, the problem isn't ill will; it's "I, Robot." The first time your husband wondered "Where do I put this wet towel?" -- perhaps at age 10 -- his brain said, "Easy peasy...just drop it right there on the bed." Sadly, it seems his superhero bedspread didn't pipe up: "Superman's got a ton to do today, and flying your wet towel over to the hamper is not on his agenda."
Our brain is an efficiency expert. Figuring things out the first time around (a la "what should I do with this towel?") takes a bunch of energy. But, as neuroscientist Donald Hebb pointed out (in somewhat more neuroscientific terms), as you do an action over and over, your brain goes, "Oh, that again." The trigger for the action -- in this case, approaching the bed (while in a towel, ready to get dressed) -- becomes automatic. Automatic means there's no stopping to muse, "Wait! I have a wife now, and she's threatening to Saran Wrap the bed." There's only the old familiar launch code: "Bed!" -- cueing "Drop wet towel here!"
This automation thing -- with thinking removed from the equation -- is the reason nagging or even asking nicely before or after the fact is so often useless in changing behavior. You need to break in to the automatic sequence as it's in progress (when he gets to the bed), kind of like an air traffic controller coming in over the plane's intercom -- "Attention Southwest two-two-niner..."
Interrupting the trigger sequence allows you to send a yoo-hoo to areas of his prefrontal cortex, the brain's department of rational thought -- asking them to kindly wake the hell up and take over from the basal ganglia and other parts of the brain's department of automation.
No, I'm not suggesting you stand guard by the bed like one of those decorative architectural lions, waiting for wet towel time. And hiring one of those street-corner sign spinners would probably be both impractical and a little creepy.
To grab your husband's attention in a positive way, I suggest collecting cartoons (like one of my faves, "Bizarro," by Dan Piraro) and leaving one marked "Towel alert! xo" on the area of the bed he turns into terrycloth swampland. (Pair it with a battery-operated flashing light if he ends up dropping his towel on top of it.) The cartoon should break him out of his auto-daze, reminding him to return the wet towel to its ancestral home, Ye Olde Towel Rack. (If there is something missing for the two of you in bed, it probably isn't mildew.)
She's asked him countless times, and he still throws the towel on the bed? I would recommend putting a rack somewhere between the bathroom and her side of the bed. If he still throws the towel on the bed, then he's just being a jerk.
Fayd at September 5, 2017 6:04 PM
What Fayd said, give him a more convenient target and he might use it. Or not. If not, time to try something else. Maybe find one of his "sacred spaces" in the house, and start piling your crap there. You risk fighting fire with fire, but maybe that is what it takes to get his attention.
bkmale at September 6, 2017 6:27 AM
My husband is a messy and busy, easily distracted person. The hamper is literally ON THE WAY from the bathroom to our bed and he would often walk past it and toss his clothes/towel on the floor or bed because opening the hamper was an extra step that his brain seems to override.
In addition to calling him on it when I caught him in the act, I also demanded that he picked up his clothes the moment I noticed them. He learned that he had two choices: Remember to toss the clothing in the hamper after his shower (the easy way) OR be summoned from his office, interrupted during a phone call, or roused from a nap by me when I noticed the clothes (the hard way).
sofar at September 6, 2017 9:08 AM
Can't she just poison him for the life insurance and start over with someone else?
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at September 6, 2017 9:36 AM
sofar: I solved this problem for myself (I'm a slob) by taking the lids off the hampers. Ain't no one got time for lids on hampers.
As for Soggy, if all else fails, let it go. He seems like a decent guy who brain farts when it comes to towels. Small stuff is small.
MonicaP at September 6, 2017 12:08 PM
Pro top: Get him a nice comfy bathrobe. He'll put it on after he gets out of the shower, and the towel will remain in the bathroom.
Cousin Dave at September 6, 2017 12:24 PM
This needs a mom-approach. It's bed time and the bed is wet and gross.
"Honey, you left your towel on the bed all day and it's all wet. Please change the sheets so we have something dry to sleep on and start the wet ones in the laundry... and I'll sleep on your side since you got mine all wet."
Natural consequences can be a good thing.
A at September 7, 2017 7:49 AM
sofar: I solved this problem for myself (I'm a slob) by taking the lids off the hampers. Ain't no one got time for lids on hampers.
I'm over here laughing because my husband has long tried to convince me to implement lidless garbage cans and laundry hampers. As a compulsive neat-freak, I have refused because it makes me insane to see our garbage/dirty laundry out in the open.
In his home office, he has two lidless trash cans to minimize both effort and distance traveled to throw something out. I'm like, how do you live like this? How do you live your life with your dirty kleenexes in your line of sight? Answer: His brain does not notice the trash inside the open trash can.
sofar at September 7, 2017 8:59 AM
You want the most effective long term solution?
Have him rearrange all the furniture in your bedroom so HIS side is closest to the master bath and his side of the bed has the wet towel dropped on it
lujlp at September 7, 2017 10:33 AM
I would suggest something with an airhorn.
FIDO at September 7, 2017 12:20 PM
Switch sides.
NicoleK at September 8, 2017 5:48 AM
I'm over here laughing because my husband has long tried to convince me to implement lidless garbage cans and laundry hampers.
As unappealing as you find this to be, it might end up being a game changer for him, and in the long term, an acceptable compromise. For me, things now end up in the garbage or in the hamper instead of right next to them.
MonicaP at September 8, 2017 7:42 AM
Habit is a terrific energy saver. Imagine trying to figure out what to do every morning starting from scratch.
The same is true for routine, which is sort of the same thing.
However, once a habit has been changed, it becomes the energy-saver after a few iterations.
Richard Aubrey at September 11, 2017 7:53 PM
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