Wife In The Fast Lane
I'm a 31-year-old woman, and I've been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. I was hoping to get married eventually. Well, my friend goes to this famous "relationship coach" who says that if a guy doesn't ask you to marry him within the first year, he never will. Is that true? It's making me feel anxious and worried that I'm wasting my time.
--Two More Months?
It's comforting to believe that somebody has the magical knowledge that can get us to happily ever after. That's why there was a movie called "The Wizard of Oz" and not "The Dishwasher Repairman of Oz."
In fact, we crave certainty and get freaked out by uncertainty. Psychologically, a guarantee of something bad happening is way more comfortable for us than the mere possibility that it could. This sounds a little nuts, but it makes evolutionary sense, because uncertainty leaves us on constant alert, which is both psychologically and physiologically draining.
When research subjects are given a choice -- get an electric shock for sure right then and there or possibly get surprised with a shock later -- they overwhelmingly opt for the certain zapping in the present. And neuroscientist Archy de Berker found that people experienced greater physical stress responses (sweating and enlarged pupils) when a shock came unpredictably than when they knew it was coming.
This is why it can be tempting to buy into an "expert's" doom-and-gloom timetable -- despite countless examples disproving their "Marry before the year's out or spinsterville forever!" pronouncement. And consider something else: University of Pisa psychiatrist Donatella Marazziti finds that people in love are basically hormonally inebriated for a year or two. Also, it's typically adversity -- which tends to be in short supply during a year of romantic picnics and spa vacations -- that shows what two people are made of and how well they, as a couple, weather life's kicks in the teeth. You know...like after you encourage your partner to be true to that inner voice -- and he listens: "Thanks to you, honey, I'm quitting my soul-killing six-figure job to become a professional pogo stick artist."
Time for my usual lecture about statistics: LW, assuming that what the relationship coach says is true statistically (and I have no idea if it is or not), keep in mind that statistics, particularly demographic statistics, are good at telling you the average behavior of large groups. They aren't all that good at telling you how an individual will behave.
So, apparently, marriage (and kids?) is a life goal for you. OK. Nothing wrong with that, as far as it goes. So a couple of questions at this point. First one: Are you in love with him, and/or are you in love with the idea of getting married? Because if the latter is true and the former is not, you're setting yourself up for disaster. Assume you somehow rope him into marrying you (maybe by getting pregnant without telling him you're going to do so). Do you really want to live with someone who resents you as your spouse? Do you want to raise children under those circumstances?
Second question. What are his life goals? Is that something that you've considered? Does he aspire to get married and have kids? Do you know? If he doesn't want to get married and you're trying to change him, you're setting yourself up for disaster -- you might succeed in the short term, but the whole enterprise will be a disaster in the long term. Don't do that to him, and don't do it to yourself or your children.
If you really feel like the clock is ticking (not unreasonable if you aspire to have children), it's time to have a discussion with him. However: once you've done that, if your goals don't align with his, you have to let him go. Like I said, if you persuade him to give up the things he wants in life in order to have you, he'll resent you forever. So prepare yourself for that possibility. But who knows -- if you haven't discussed it with him, you might be pleasantly surprised.
Cousin Dave at September 13, 2017 6:51 AM
I think it's possible that relationship coach was misquoted. I don't believe it's advisable to propose marriage within one year. However, it should definitely be a topic of discussion during that time. As Amy says, you need to have that discussion so you get some sort of clue where his head is at.
Fayd at September 13, 2017 8:25 AM
So, the letter writer asks if it's true if a guy doesn't *ask* you to marry him in the first year, he never will. Amy's answer detours to "Marry before the year's out or spinsterville forever!" (Not the same thing!) And Cousin Dave reminds us that statistics...are good at telling you the average behavior of large groups...(but are not) all that good at telling you how an individual will behave. (Very true.) Dave then goes off on a tangent lecturing the LW about roping someone into marrying them and asking what *his* goals are.
How about answering the LW's question? If - during that hormonally inebriated first year - the guy doesn't express an interest in making a commitment, so you think she's wasting her time? I think she might be!
cp_deb at September 13, 2017 8:30 AM
He's not following the imaginary schedule. Dump him!
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at September 13, 2017 8:46 AM
As CD points out the real question is what are his thoughts regarding marriage. If the topic hasn't come up during the year or you feel uncomfortable raising it, time to cut your losses and get out bc he wont marry you. Get that book, He's Just Not that into You and if you see your relationship in its pages, stop wasting the pretty and move on down the road.
Sheep Mom at September 13, 2017 11:36 AM
She wants to get married, and yet rather than talk to the guy she wants to marry she is taking advice from her imaginary interpretation of third hand advice from someone she has never met.
Relationships take work, sure, but they shouldn't be as hard as this chick is working to make hers
lujlp at September 13, 2017 12:28 PM
The first (and last time) that I let on to a woman that I wanted to marry her, she dumped me, right before Christmas-- long before that first year was up.
jefe at September 13, 2017 4:08 PM
"How about answering the LW's question?"
I don't know the answer, and I said as much in my previous reply. After I wrote that yesterday, I did some Web searching but didn't come up with anything that was well-sourced. (Mostly surveys conducted by dating services, which is a self-selected audience.) I came up with several things, like this article where experts talk about what they think people should do, but nothing about what people actually do.
There's also the question of whether the length of the courtship plays into the success of the subsequent marriage. We all have a feeling that impulsive marriages don't last, but I'd like to see some data that backs that up (or not). Similarly, it's generally assumed that relationships that continue for years will eventually end in the couple breaking up, or dying, without getting married. But I don't know if that's true either, and if it is, it might be by mutual choice -- there are a number of reasons why a couple might want to stay together but not get married.
Cousin Dave at September 14, 2017 6:54 AM
By a year into a relationship, you should have a good feel for where a person's head is. If he's talking in terms of the vacation he wants to take with you in five years, he plans to stick around. You should also have a good idea of whether he considers marriage in his life plan or not.
MonicaP at September 15, 2017 7:57 PM
Jefe,
That was likely one of the best Christmas presents you ever received. A marriage proposal is usually offered only if the answer is expected to be yes.
If you expected her to say yes and instead she dumped you, there was a lack of communication in the relationship. I hope you hadn't wasted too much time on her. I wish you had found someone else.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth Falkner at September 17, 2017 3:14 PM
cp_deb Says:
"How about answering the LW's question?"
I thought the more nuanced responses were insightful and useful... but since you want a very direct answer to the LWs question here we go:
"Well, my friend goes to this famous "relationship coach" who says that if a guy doesn't ask you to marry him within the first year, he never will. Is that true?"
No, it is demonstrably untrue.
There are countless examples of men asking women to marry them long after the first year mark has come and gone.
Artemis at September 18, 2017 5:17 AM
Yeah, I wish my first wife had said "no".
Cousin Dave at September 18, 2017 6:28 AM
Uh, anyone who goes to a "relationship coach" probably has a lot of work to do on themselves before they get married
Mary at September 25, 2017 11:15 AM
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