The Gym Reaper
This annoying guy at my gym keeps asking me out. I'm always polite, saying, "Would love to, but sorry, I'm really busy." And then I move to another part of the gym. I'd go at a different time, but unfortunately, he's always there in the hours I can work out. What should I say so he gets the hint and leaves me alone?
--Go Away Already!
There are people -- some of them men -- who won't take no for an answer. But you haven't tried no -- or any of the variations: "Nuh-uh," "Are you crazy?" or "The only way you're ever getting into my pants is if you're trying on ladies clothing at Goodwill."
Women have a tendency to be hinty and otherwise indirect in telling a guy they aren't interested. As personal security expert Gavin de Becker puts it in "The Gift of Fear": "Rejecting women often say less than they mean," and "men often hear less than what is said." Men's poor, um, hearing actually seems to be an evolutionary design feature. Research by evolutionary psychologists Martie Haselton and David Buss suggests that men evolved to be poor guessers about women's sexual interest in them -- erring on the side of assuming a woman's interested when they have no definitive sign that she isn't (as in adult variations on "off my case, toilet face!").
As Buss explains the likely benefit from this "sexual overperception bias," it leads men "to believe that a woman is sexually interested in them in response to ambiguous cues such as a smile or going to a bar alone," and thus functions to keep men from "missing sexual opportunities." (Or -- in somewhat less scientific terms -- it gives a man a chance at passing his genetic material on to the next generation instead of into an old tube sock.)
You don't have to be cruel, but something a little more hope-crushing than "I'd love to" would be a start. Saying you're "busy" doesn't cut it, as it suggests that all that's keeping the guy from getting into your ladybusiness are scheduling conflicts. The most effective rejection is a direct one -- like this one I suggested in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck": "Thanks so much. I'm really flattered, but I'm sorry to say that I'm just not interested." Though "I'm flattered" might seem condescending, it softens the blow -- without being misleading. It suggests that you believe the person you're rejecting has some merits, as opposed to what may actually be the truth: "I would rather be pecked to death by angry hens than have sex with you."
"Would love to, but sorry, I'm really busy."
That's an absolutely clear statement. It means "please ask again later", which is exactly what this guy is doing.
Men aren't mind readers. If you mean "no", say "no".
It's kind if you soften it a bit (Amy's "I'm flattered" or even just a "thanks, but"). That's especially true, since you are likely to be sharing the gym with this guy in the future. However, the "no" part must be plain, obvious, and impossible to miss.
a_random_guy at October 18, 2017 2:06 AM
When I was 15 I told a guy that I couldn't go out because I was busy two or three times. He replied with, ''You stuck up bitch, if you don't want to go out with me, tell me. Do you think I can't get another date? There are plenty of woman out there. I don't need to waste my time on you when I could have been spending my time with someone who actually likes me."
I realized that he was absolutely right. But letting him know that I'm not interested right away he can spend his time productively finding a woman that likes him right away.
I quickly and unequivocally turned people away after that. I had a man ask me about it and I explained it. He actually thanked me. I did leave out the flattered part that Amy suggested. I've had stalkers so I don't soften the blow.
Jen at October 18, 2017 4:55 AM
I've always appreciated the direct approach. Being a slightly Aspie guy whose, uh, hearing may be worse than most, I used to swing between erring on the side of never asking again when she might have meant the part about "busy," and pestering when she meant "buzz off."
The worst is when, after this kind of polite non-responsiveness, the woman does what LW might be doing - getting upset at "annoying guy" for not getting the message - the message she's not sending.
Grey Ghost at October 18, 2017 5:24 AM
Yeah, a direct "no" might hurt my feelings a bit. But it hurts a lot less than accepting a date and then standing me up and ghosting, which I had happen a lot when I was dating. As Jen points out, if the stander-upper had just said "no" in the first place, then maybe I could have gotten a date with someone else who actually wanted to go out with me.
Cousin Dave at October 18, 2017 7:50 AM
Hmm. Many years ago when I was recently divorced a man kept asking me out and I said No, I wasn't interested. He asked when I would go out with him. I said I would never go out with him, we would never be going out. Last month we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. I guess persistence pays off.
He is a wonderful man and we have a great life together. I'm glad he didn't take no for an answer.
Maybe the LW doesn't know what she's missing.
cp_deb at October 18, 2017 8:51 AM
One favorite blowoff line women use is "I have a boyfriend." It's often a lie, but men are realizing it can be more than that: It's not a rejection, it's a DISCLAIMER. It really means, "If we end up having sex, it's YOUR fault, not mine, because I told you, I have a boyfriend!"
I ran this by an old ex of mine, and she picked up on it right away... prolly because she's said it like that, too.
jefe at October 19, 2017 7:43 PM
Back in the day, in college, I knew several women who were sort of in between BF. Two of them said they were tired of guys who took no for an answer. What was wrong with them?
Apparently, it was some kind of filtering for courage or something.
I'd like to suggest that whoever's responsible for the legitimacy of this particular filter/shit test is responsible, in part, for guys who don't get "no" the first time around.
Or do women want guys to take "no" the first time, every time?
Richard Aubrey at October 22, 2017 10:42 AM
No, you’re not my type.
Always worked for me.
KateC at October 22, 2017 5:49 PM
"Or do women want guys to take "no" the first time, every time?"
Depends. DO you believe the "#metoo" people, claiming that persistence is overt sexual harassment?
Radwaste at October 25, 2017 1:52 PM
I think you need to be straight up and tell him you are not interested. Politely. This is a risk, in case he turns out to be a psycho.
Are you friends with any of the staff? If so, just mention to them casually that he keeps asking you out and it is getting awkward and that you think you've been too hinty and plan to tell him no straight out. That way if he DOES flip (and let's be honest, this is the reason you're hinty, because you are worried about this, isn't it) they already know the situation and might walk you to your car or whatever.
If you aren't friends with the staff there is no real good way to casually mention it so just say "No, thank you" still polite but not wishy washy. And if at that point he goes nuts, then tell the staff.
NicoleK at October 26, 2017 12:06 PM
Men, when they ask for a date, run the risk of possibly getting their feelings hurt by the askee saying "no, thanks." Women who want to say "no, thanks" to unwanted dates often fear being physically hurt by those who ask but who don't take rejection well.
Sure, YOU'RE a normal, decent guy and would never do that - but some men would and do and have, and there's no easy way to differentiate them from those who don't.
It sounds as if "I'd love to BUT I'm busy" is actually too afraid to simply say, "I'm busy."
Topaz at January 10, 2018 7:57 AM
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