The Things We Do Fur Love
My sweet boyfriend always leaves his nose hair and beard trimmings in the sink. He claims he forgets to wipe up afterward and asks, "Is it that big of a deal?" Am I being petty, or is this disrespectful when you share a space with somebody?
--Annoyed
Surely, your boyfriend eventually notices dropped bits of beard hair -- about when the sink starts panting and pawing in response to "Here, boy!"
However, chances are he's leaving you a furry sink not out of disrespect but because he goes into a behavioral coma. This comes out of how our brain conserves energy by creating stored strings of behavior. The first time you ride a bike or eat with a spoon, you have to put conscious thought into each step. But with time and practice, the sequence becomes automatic and unconscious. Eventually, when you get a bowl of oatmeal, you just eat; you don't need to figure out how to load up the spoon and manage that "Bzzzz, here comes Mr. Airplane..." thing that transports the oatmeal to Mr. Tummy.
Research on habit change by psychologist Wendy Wood and her colleagues suggests that "disrupting" the usual physical sequence of a stored behavior can jolt a person out of autopilot, triggering their conscious mind to take over. You can disrupt your boyfriend's beard-snipping routine simply by changing where the scissors get stored. Maybe put them in a kitchen cabinet for a while -- and of course, clue him in and explain why.
Yes, this could actually work to get him to remember your "Yoo-hoo...sinkiepoo!" However, what ultimately matters is how you treat each other. If your sink continues to have a five o'clock shadow, maybe decide to just laugh about your sweet daydreamy slob instead of going all toxic-ragey "I'll show him!" and throwing out the beard clippings yourself -- by dragging the sink to the curb.
This is actually awesome advice. Like, above anything I've seen in any advice column for a long time. Psychological tricks! I love it.
NicoleK at October 4, 2017 1:45 AM
She's being petty. When you reach a certain age, you realize that not everything has to be an argument or even a discussion. I used to go all rage-y on my ex husband for not putting the lid back on the toothpaste, or putting the seat down on the toilet. There are far more important things in a relationship than the petty stuff. I shed hair like crazy, BF never mentions the hair left on the counter, I don't mention the fact that he leaves his paper towels on the kitchen counter. I pick up the towels and throw them away, he ignores my hair in the bathroom sink. We do small kindnesses for each other everyday, he takes care of me, I take care of him.
sara at October 4, 2017 9:50 AM
I once had a housemate who'd shave (once a week) and leave the mess in the sink. His woman-partner lived there, too, and I began to equate him with the little boy who takes a dump in the toilet and has to call mommy to tell him what a good little man he is.
jefe at October 6, 2017 4:28 PM
But petty stuff can add up to a general disrespect for things that bug your mate. I don't understand why stuff like this are hard for some people to remember. Maybe there's something in what Amy says about behavioral coma. I would try putting the scissors in a different place and see if that works.
Nancy J at October 11, 2017 4:39 AM
Sara, it's great that you and your ex had an understanding. But LW's situation is not yours. Your ex overlooked your missteps, so you did the same. That works.
I'm going to make a big assumption that that was a point you two arrived at...not started off from.
Is it petty to complain about sink hair?
Is it petty not to spend ten seconds to clean it if it makes your sweetie happy?
It's not pettiness. It's a relationship trying to find homeostasis. It sounds like you and your ex did (and that's great). These two are still working on it. Give 'em a chance.
WallawallaWanda at October 13, 2017 8:21 AM
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