Yawn Juan
My friend and I are debating why it is that men don't want you when you want them yet they're all gung-ho when you aren't interested. She believes that we just want what we can't have. Could it be that simple?
--Pondering
In looking for love, a number of people confuse "the chase" with something closer to criminal stalking. In their defense, these ideas don't come out of nowhere. For example, consider how creepy the Cupid dude with the little bow and arrow actually is. Basically, he's the chubby baby version of the maniac hunting people down with a crossbow.
The reality is, nobody pines for what's easy to get or, worse, what's chasing madly after them. It's about value. Being easy to get or seeming desperate suggests one has what anthropologists call "low mate value." Social psychologist Robert Cialdini explains this with "the scarcity principle," which describes how the less available something is the more valuable it seems and the more we want it. Being scarce doesn't necessarily equate to being more valuable; however, because of how psychologically painful we find regret -- feeling that we screwed up and thus missed out -- scarcity kicks us into a motivational state, making us all hot for whatever's in short supply.
This is the sales principle behind those chichi boutiques with just one item on a rack, as if they were a mini museum of the little black dress. There's a good chance they have 20 more in the back. But putting out 20 sends a different message -- like one of those shops with a big yellow sign, "Everything in the store, $15, including the dog."
Still, the scarcity principle sometimes gets falsely accused of causing a burgeoning relationship to tank when other factors are actually to blame. Consider whether you're choosing wisely -- going for someone who's ready to be in a relationship. Some people who think they're ready may not be. (Time -- along with wanting to know instead of just wanting to believe -- will tell.) Others will admit that they aren't ready. Believe them -- or at least tread cautiously -- and recognize the propensity many women have for Svengali-ette-alism: "I'll be the one to change him!" (Kleenex has succeeded as a brand in no small part thanks to these women.)
With someone who is a real possibility, you'll have your best shot by coming off appropriately interested instead of stalkerishly so. If you tend to go from zero to texting a guy 36 times in a row while sitting in your car with binoculars trained on his house, figure out proactive ways to avoid that and other crazypants stuff you do. (Perhaps, for example, give your next-door neighbor custody of your phone and car keys upon coming home.) Sure, love is said to be "a journey," but it shouldn't be one that has something in common with being chased by feral hogs down a lonely country road.
This is the real question she's asking: "Why don't the hot guys notice me, but the ugly ones won't back off?"
Fayd at October 3, 2017 11:35 PM
Fayd has a good point. Fact is, it's easy to find guys who like you, and it is easy to find guys you like, but the overlap is harder to find.
The guy who likes you who you like won't play major head games. Little games, sure, but not major ones. When a guy is interested he will let you know. And eventually one of the guys interested in you will be one you are interested in. It is a numbers game.
I don't know how old you are but you also may want to consider that your criteria for guys you are interested in may need adjusting. I know I made a major criteria change in my mid-20s.
NicoleK at October 4, 2017 1:43 AM
There are exceptions to every rule, but in general, guys are put off by women who aggressively pursue them. Why is that, women ask? It's a fair question. But it has a simple answer: guys are put off by that because it's what personality-disordered women do.
Cousin Dave at October 4, 2017 7:05 AM
Then there are those of us who simply miss your cue. You might think you're telegraphing, but either because what seems obvious and overt to you is actually not, or because I'm just no good at picking up on it, I'm not getting it.
Every other woman around may get that you're signaling, but many men will not, especially if it's aimed at them.
Of course, I may not be missing it - it may never be aimed at me. :) That's a risk I can live with.
Grey Ghost at October 4, 2017 7:20 AM
You might think you're telegraphing, but either because what seems obvious and overt to you is actually not, or because I'm just no good at picking up on it, I'm not getting it.
GG...you are so right. I've seen this quite a bit in relation to my significant other. Just this past weekend he was speaking to a woman in her early 30's. She was clearly flirting with him, and I was cracking up watching him interact with her. He was completely oblivious as to what was happening. Eventually this woman realized that he and I were to together and apologized profusely. I laughed, told her it was no big deal. He still had no idea what was happening. I finally clued him in later that night. He was truly surprised to find out that said woman was hitting on him. I let him know it wasn't the first time, and probably wouldn't be the last time. He's still preening around like a peacock.
sara at October 4, 2017 9:38 AM
If there's one thing I learned from feminism, it's that flirting is considered sexual harassment, and that I can go to jail for it. So I remained single for the past 18 years, and all this money was spent only on things I liked. (And I have no debt)
Matt at October 9, 2017 6:31 PM
Flirting is fun but it also functions as a face-saving tactic. If someone is clear about their interest in another person (e.g. "Would you like to go out for a drink next weekend?") and the other person says "Thanks, but no thanks." then the person who asked knows they've been turned down and their ego takes a hit. But if someone merely flirts and the other person doesn't respond as hoped, then the person who was flirting can save face by believing that they weren't actually turned down. It was just that the other person failed to pick up on their signals.
Now sometimes, as in the case Sara describes, it's actually true that the other person failed to pick up on signals. But that doesn't matter. The key is that the person doing the flirting can always believe that the other person failed to pick up on their signals, and their ego remains intact.
JD at October 10, 2017 11:15 PM
Cousin Dave: There are exceptions to every rule, but in general, guys are put off by women who aggressively pursue them. Why is that, women ask? It's a fair question. But it has a simple answer: guys are put off by that because it's what personality-disordered women do.
Dave, are women who are aggressive in other aspects of their lives also personality-disordered?
JD at October 10, 2017 11:29 PM
To answer JD's question, I would say not necessarily. Actually, a woman who aggressively pursues a man that she's interested in isn't necessarily personality disordered. However, if she is, it's a behavior that she's likely to engage in.
Cousin Dave at October 11, 2017 5:14 AM
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