I'm a very envious person, though I don't act on it (meaning I don't try to mess things up for people who are doing well). Where does envy stem from? How can I get rid of it?
You see a friend achieving some success and you say, "So happy for you. Well-deserved!" -- which is a more polite way of saying, "I hope you are stricken with a rare deadly form of full-body adult acne."
We think of envy as an ugly, counterproductive emotion, but it's really just a tool, like a jackhammer or a blender. To understand this, it helps to understand that even emotions that make us feel crappy have a job to do -- motivating us to act in ways that will help us survive and make a bunch of little buggers who'll totter off through the generations, passing on our genes.
In other words, envy is adaptive. Envy is a form of social comparison that probably evolved to help us keep tabs on how well we're doing relative to our rivals. As evolutionary social psychologist Abraham ("Bram") Buunk and his colleagues explain, envy pushes us to dial up our game so we can "narrow the gap" between ourselves and "the superior other" (aka that annoying co-worker who likes to start sentences with "Well, when I was at Harvard..."). So envy is basically a social alarm clock: "Yoo-hoo...get cracking, girl! That witch is about to get that promotion, and you'll be lucky to end up executive vice-scullery maid."
Buunk and his team explain that there are actually two kinds of envy, malicious envy and benign envy. Each kind motivates people to try to shrink that "status gap" between themselves and others. The difference is in how. Benign envy pushes people to work harder in hopes of matching or beating the competition. Malicious envy is the nasty kind -- the kind that motivates a person to loosen the ladder rungs, hoping to cause their golden-girl co-worker to topple to her (professional) death.
The upshot? Envy isn't something to be ashamed of. You should just see that you use it in a positive way -- as a tool for self-motivation instead of co-worker sabotage. However, getting ahead isn't just a solo act; it's often a cooperative endeavor. To decide when to cooperate and when to compete, consider the level of "scarcity." When resources are scarce -- like when there's just one job available -- go after it with everything you've got (within ethical boundaries, of course). But when the rewards aren't limited, it's good to be the sort of person who brings along other people. This tends to make others more likely to do nice things for you in return -- even helping you get ahead...and without your hiring a hacker to reprogram Miss Fabulous' computer so her screen saver is a pic of the boss with a Hitler mustache.
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My girlfriend's wonderful. Unfortunately, whenever we have a disagreement, she shares it on social media. She feels she has a right to do that because it's part of her life. Am I not entitled to a private life while I'm with her?
--News Object
Some favor the social media approach to the "examined life," Instagramming their medical records and crowdsourcing their flatulence problem. Others take a more guarded tack -- encrypting everything...including their cat videos.
The longing for privacy -- keeping certain info about yourself from public consumption -- is a very human thing, a desire that probably evolved out of our need to protect our reputation. In ancestral times, having a bad reputation could lead to a person being booted from their band and made to go it alone -- back when "fast food" would've been all the zippy small animals they couldn't catch while they were starving to death.
Contrary to your girlfriend's notion that "relationship" is just another way of saying "two-person surveillance state," you have a right to privacy. This is a fundamental human right, explained Louis Brandeis and Samuel Warren in the Harvard Law Review in 1890, and it comes out of our right to be left alone. So, yes, you are entitled to pick the "privacy settings" on your own life, because the information about your thoughts, emotions, and romantic interactions belongs to you. Nobody gets to dispense that info publicly without your permission -- even if this means they have to keep part of their life (the part with you) under wraps.
To stop your girlfriend from turning your relationship into a giant data breach, trigger her sympathy -- explaining how awful it feels to become infotainment for a bunch of strangers (and, worse, people you know). Better yet, help her feel it: "Honey...just imagine going on Twitter and finding your therapist's new account: 'Heard In Session.'"
My boyfriend unplugs my laptop when it's charging and plugs the charger into his, despite knowing that I need my computer charged for work. This is actually part of a pattern -- a general lack of consideration, from constantly being late to always leaving messes for me to clean up to knocking the shower door off the track and then just leaving it leaning against the tub. Recently, my dad emailed him three times without hearing back -- in response to a favor he'd asked of my dad! -- and I had to bug him to reply. How can I get him to be more considerate?
--Disturbed
There are people who go all crazybiscuits if you don't immediately email them back -- confusing the ability to reply nearly instantly with a mandate to do that. Still, there's a middle ground between frantically responding to every message and taking so long that somebody sends the cops around to peer in the windows for a body.
When you're romantically involved with someone, it's kind of a problem if the most reliable thing about them is their unreliability. Granted, we all fail in the follow-through department every now and then -- like when my car got ticketed because the registration sticker I'd paid for remained in a pile of unopened mail that had gradually migrated under my bed.
But when somebody has a pretty pervasive pattern of carelessness -- when they're basically an entitlement-infused, corner-cutting slacktastrophe of a person -- it points to their coming up short on what psychologists call "conscientiousness." This is one of the five core personality dimensions (along with openness, extroversion, agreeableness, and emotional stability), and it reflects a person's level of self-control and sense of responsibility to others.
Personality researcher Brent Roberts explains that people who are "high in conscientiousness" "tend to write down important dates, comb their hair, polish their shoes, stand up straight, and scrub floors." That last one is an unexpected plus if you have dingy grout; however, there's such a thing as too much conscientiousness -- which is cool if your "type" is a rigid, perfectionistic mini-Mussolini.
Meanwhile, on the perennially chillaxed end of the spectrum, people "low in conscientiousness" tend to break promises, cancel plans, watch more TV, oversleep, and see credit limits as credit suggestions. The plan-canceling and promise-breaking reflect something noteworthy -- self-centeredness and a lack of concern for how their behavior affects others. (Essentially, they tend to do things halfway -- but only when they can't get away with doing them a third of the way or less.)
Not surprisingly, researchers find that people's lives work better if they keep their promises, don't go around with yesterday's sloppy Joe on their shirt, and get to work at an hour that does not require an explanation that opens with "you'll never believe what happened this time!"
However, it isn't just your own level of conscientiousness that impacts your life. Psychologists Brittany Solomon and Joshua Jackson find that having a partner high in conscientiousness makes you likely to have higher income and job satisfaction and a better shot at getting promoted. They suggest that having a more conscientious partner makes for a more satisfying and supportive home life, allowing a person to focus more on their work.
Personality traits are, to a great extent, genetic and are largely stable because of that. However, Roberts finds evidence that people can increase their level of conscientiousness. This starts in the smallest ways, like making the bed and tidying the house in the morning so it looks more "lived in" than "ransacked." Repeated behaviors become habits, and collectively, our habits form who we are.
Of course, changing starts with wanting to change -- valuing conscientiousness enough to be motivated to make it an integral part of everything one does. This sometimes happens when a person gets a tragedy-driven wake-up call. Absent that, your best chance for inspiring your boyfriend to want to live more conscientiously is by using empathy as a motivator -- gently explaining to him how unloved you feel and how disrespected other people must feel in the wake of his constant sloppy disregard for anyone but himself.
If he says he wants to change, give yourself a deadline -- perhaps two or three months down the road -- to see whether he's making meaningful improvement. If you decide to break up, you might want to make conscientiousness one of the "must-haves" on your "What I Need In A Man" list so your next relationship feels more like a romantic partnership than a remedial finishing school for one. Lesson 36: One should email the girlfriend's dad back in less time than it would take to deliver the message by pony express -- if you first had to get the mare and the stallion to hook up to make the pony.
An older male friend keeps paying for me -- buying me meals and clothes. Am I making a mistake in accepting? I've repeatedly made clear that I have no romantic interest in him. I'm a struggling artist, and he's highly successful. We're basically BFFs, talking and laughing every day. He occasionally jokes that I should be "giving up the sugar to the sugar daddy," but I roll my eyes and say, "Hush!" I think he's teasing me, but could he be playing the long game?
--Worried
Welcome to the "never say never" school of hope. My Chinese crested, Aida, is also enrolled -- hoping with all her tiny purse-doggy might that rare metal-eating termites will make the kitchen table leg collapse, causing her to be caught in a brief but intense hailstorm of bacon.
There are some asymmetries between men and women in the effort required to get some action out of the opposite sex. Some men will engineer elaborate plots to try to wear a woman's "nuh-uh, never gonna happen" into a "maybe just this once." A woman, on the other hand, doesn't have to plot. Assuming she's reasonably attractive, she can probably just make extended eye contact with a man while eating a banana.
This difference reflects what evolutionary psychologist David Buss explains as men's and women's conflicting evolutionary goals. It's in a man's evolutionary interest to, as they say, shoot and scoot (possibly passing on his genes without putting out any further time, energy, or resources). However, because women can end up all "baby on board," they evolved to look for emotional commitment and the ability and willingness to "provide." (A woman's psychological bottom line: "Can this wild man be turned into a minivan purchaser with a dad bod?")
Buss notes that these sex differences in evolved mating psychology show up in the different ways men and women try to deceive each other. Scammy men tend to exaggerate their "resources" (probably a sizable chunk of the Ferrari rental business) in hopes of suckering the ladies into the sack. Scammy women, on the other hand, tend to feign "willingness to have sex in order to secure nonsexual resources" -- as in, "Sorry, Bob. I had my knees welded shut recently. I guess I forgot to mention that. But thanks for the $300 dinner!"
In your situation, however, nobody's deceiving anybody. You've repeatedly made clear that there will be no sexcapades. He's got an amusing dining companion and a dear friend. When we care about people, we do nice things for them -- offer them a bite of our sandwich or our disposable income.
Sure, he's probably still clinging to wisps of hope. But in time, he should accept that if the day comes when you suddenly grab him in your arms, it'll be because he's got a small piece of chicken caught in his windpipe and he'll die unless you give him the Heimlich maneuver.
I'm a 28-year-old guy, and I read your column on how men and women are clueless about who's supposed to pay and when. I've had dates be insulted when I wouldn't take their money and others insulted when I did. Is there an optimal strategy for the first few dates?
--Lost
Meet the flexible feminist. She can do an hour and a half straight on why we need to "smash the patriarchy," but when the check comes, she reaches in her purse and pulls out a tube of lip gloss.
As I pointed out in that column you mention, sociologist Janet Lever and her colleagues find one striking commonality between men and women: intense confusion about who should pay and when. For example, nearly 60 percent of women said they "always" offer to help pay, even on the first date. Meanwhile, 39 percent of women wish men would reject their offer to pay -- but 40 percent say it bothers them when men don't accept their money. Argh, huh?
Because female emotions evolved to push women to feel bad when they're with a man who shows no signs of being a "provider," I think it's wise for a guy to pick up the tab on the first few dates. The researchers concur, explaining that "men who fail to pay risk being viewed as lacking economic resources or as being uninterested, unchivalrous, or -- worse yet -- cheap."
That said, your investment should be more symbolic than substantial, and you keep it that way by following my three-point advice for the first few dates: Make them cheap, short, and local. This means, for example, getting to know a woman over happy-hour drinks -- as opposed to the kind poured by a sommelier (flanked by his two assistants) who comes to your table right after the team of loan officers helps you finalize your paperwork.
I am a 32-year-old woman who has never been in a relationship with a man I'm actually attracted to. The men I've ended up with really pursued me, and they were all smart, funny, and kind, so I thought it was shallow not to date them because I wasn't that into their looks. Depressingly, each time, I eventually found myself repulsed by the guy and eyeing other men. Of course, that brought things to an end. How important is physical attraction in a relationship?
--Lukewarmed
When you've got a position to fill -- in your life or the workplace -- it's important to bring in somebody who meets the essential requirements. So when the overheating thingy on the nuclear reactor needs fixing, you put out a call for a certified nuclear mechanic; you don't just go "Okay, whatever" when the nicest mariachi band roadie comes in looking for work.
Of course, sexual attraction isn't everything. But without it, you and another person are best suited for a relationship like "friends," "neighbors," or "people who give each other a friendly wave in the carport." Experimental psychologist Gurit Birnbaum finds evidence from across social psychology and evolutionary psychology that the "sexual system" (sexual desire) and the "attachment system" (emotional bonding) work together. In fact, she explains, it seems sexual desire "has been 'exploited' by evolutionary processes" to promote enduring emotional bonds between partners. Basically, evolution bribes romantic partners with nooky so they'll stay together and care for their kids, improving the chances that the little buggers survive to pass on their genes.
It's important to find somebody you have serious hots for from the start, because maintaining a sex crush on your partner is actually vital throughout the relationship stages. Birnbaum explains that sexual desire motivates partners to keep "investing resources" in each other and the relationship -- beyond sexytime. Additionally, after the initial hottity-hots die down, still wanting to get it on with your partner seems to provide a "buffer" for poor communication skills and less-than-desirable personality traits, such as emotional instability. ("Whoa, that mood swing nearly gave me a concussion!")
So, no, you wouldn't be "shallow" to date only men you're attracted to. You'd be doing the wise (and kind) thing: keeping yourself from yet another doomed relationship with some nice but meh guy where the sweet nothings you whisper are along the lines of "Please don't touch me unless it's medically necessary."
My boyfriend broke up with me five months ago. When I'm going to sleep at night, I find myself mentally writing him hate letters, detailing what's wrong with him. (He's a coward, selfish, petty, etc.) I'm relieved that I'm not crying over him anymore, but I wonder whether I'm making things worse with this nightly litany of his shortcomings.
--Still Mad
There are relaxation tapes that repeat a word or statement to help you go to sleep, but "I hate you...I hate you...I hope you fall in a manhole and drown in the sewer" isn't one I've seen in the catalog.
Psychologists call what you've been doing "ruminating" -- a form of over-think that involves obsessively replaying events, problems, or feelings. The term comes from a yicky place -- a cow's rumen, a stomach area where it partially digests food, only to throw it up so it can rechew the food again. Yum, huh?
The late psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema found that rumination can lead to depression -- probably because it's like being on a hamster wheel of hopelessness. However, the hopelessness comes not from reflecting on your feelings or problems but from doing it pointlessly -- that is, rerunning those events and feelings and generating only frown lines, not insight.
Healthy reflection on the past involves making it mean something for the future -- turning the unfortunate events of, say, an ill-advised relationship into a guide for a wiser course in your next one. So, for example, when you find yourself venting about this guy, stop and turn the lens on yourself. Take responsibility for how you might have seen or done things differently. That's different from blaming yourself. By telling yourself "In the future, I have to take a closer look at this or that," you are protecting yourself instead of pointlessly raging -- which is basically the emotional version of having three transients squatting in your attic.
To get off the beddy-bye rage train (think: "The Little Engine That Should Shut Up Already"), just keep redirecting your thoughts to the positive -- people and things in your life you're grateful for and ideas for moving forward. Sure, guys you date will probably ask why you and your ex broke up, but a few words should suffice. Nobody wants to see you cast a glance at the clock and pull a huge parchment scroll from your purse.