Check, Mate!
I'm a 28-year-old guy, and I read your column on how men and women are clueless about who's supposed to pay and when. I've had dates be insulted when I wouldn't take their money and others insulted when I did. Is there an optimal strategy for the first few dates?
--Lost
Meet the flexible feminist. She can do an hour and a half straight on why we need to "smash the patriarchy," but when the check comes, she reaches in her purse and pulls out a tube of lip gloss.
As I pointed out in that column you mention, sociologist Janet Lever and her colleagues find one striking commonality between men and women: intense confusion about who should pay and when. For example, nearly 60 percent of women said they "always" offer to help pay, even on the first date. Meanwhile, 39 percent of women wish men would reject their offer to pay -- but 40 percent say it bothers them when men don't accept their money. Argh, huh?
Because female emotions evolved to push women to feel bad when they're with a man who shows no signs of being a "provider," I think it's wise for a guy to pick up the tab on the first few dates. The researchers concur, explaining that "men who fail to pay risk being viewed as lacking economic resources or as being uninterested, unchivalrous, or -- worse yet -- cheap."
That said, your investment should be more symbolic than substantial, and you keep it that way by following my three-point advice for the first few dates: Make them cheap, short, and local. This means, for example, getting to know a woman over happy-hour drinks -- as opposed to the kind poured by a sommelier (flanked by his two assistants) who comes to your table right after the team of loan officers helps you finalize your paperwork.
I had an eyeopener when my 'first date' made clear that it was also our last... and then disappeared to the ladies' room when the check came for our lunch. She was gonna stiff me for a lousy SANDWICH. That's when I decided it was time for a change in my approach.
jefe at November 14, 2017 5:57 PM
I mean, jeez, Mrs Mill Valley Librarian can't fork out for her own damn sammich?
jefe at November 14, 2017 6:00 PM
Back when I was dating, I always ventured to pick up the tab for the first date. Often, the lady would offer to pay, and I'd tell her "I appreciate the offer, but I've got this one." If she still insists on going dutch, then that's a sure sign of friendzone.
After the first date, it becomes more negotiable. Generally, if it was going well, then after a few dates, she'd offer to make dinner at her place. That's good in several ways, hint hint.
Cousin Dave at November 16, 2017 6:15 AM
Yes, I insisted on paying when I had friendzoned the guy.
NicoleK at November 16, 2017 7:32 AM
The first few dates should be simple and cheap, and paid for by the person who asked. Consider it information gathering. Assuming you're looking for a relationship, you're not trying to find the right combination that makes the sex come out. You're trying to determine whether this person is worth getting to know better. Whether it goes well or not, you've accomplished exactly what you were supposed to.
MonicaP at November 16, 2017 8:16 AM
Pay for the first three dates. It is the 'price of admission' for Club Her.
However, once inside Club Her, she needs to bring something to the table besides a big bar tab. Otherwise...
And as NicoleK said, if there is any defensive check splitting, don't argue, let her pay and lose the number if you are seeking romance. You won't find it there.
Granted, this will be hard on cautious girls. But cautious girls aren't going on a date anyway until she's already vetted you down to your underwear, so for her, BEING on the date is 'the show'. She is just hoping you realize that.
FIDO at November 21, 2017 8:14 PM
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