Mood Poisoning
My boyfriend broke up with me five months ago. When I'm going to sleep at night, I find myself mentally writing him hate letters, detailing what's wrong with him. (He's a coward, selfish, petty, etc.) I'm relieved that I'm not crying over him anymore, but I wonder whether I'm making things worse with this nightly litany of his shortcomings.
--Still Mad
There are relaxation tapes that repeat a word or statement to help you go to sleep, but "I hate you...I hate you...I hope you fall in a manhole and drown in the sewer" isn't one I've seen in the catalog.
Psychologists call what you've been doing "ruminating" -- a form of over-think that involves obsessively replaying events, problems, or feelings. The term comes from a yicky place -- a cow's rumen, a stomach area where it partially digests food, only to throw it up so it can rechew the food again. Yum, huh?
The late psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema found that rumination can lead to depression -- probably because it's like being on a hamster wheel of hopelessness. However, the hopelessness comes not from reflecting on your feelings or problems but from doing it pointlessly -- that is, rerunning those events and feelings and generating only frown lines, not insight.
Healthy reflection on the past involves making it mean something for the future -- turning the unfortunate events of, say, an ill-advised relationship into a guide for a wiser course in your next one. So, for example, when you find yourself venting about this guy, stop and turn the lens on yourself. Take responsibility for how you might have seen or done things differently. That's different from blaming yourself. By telling yourself "In the future, I have to take a closer look at this or that," you are protecting yourself instead of pointlessly raging -- which is basically the emotional version of having three transients squatting in your attic.
To get off the beddy-bye rage train (think: "The Little Engine That Should Shut Up Already"), just keep redirecting your thoughts to the positive -- people and things in your life you're grateful for and ideas for moving forward. Sure, guys you date will probably ask why you and your ex broke up, but a few words should suffice. Nobody wants to see you cast a glance at the clock and pull a huge parchment scroll from your purse.
"The best way to get over a man is to get under another one."
It works for men, too: the best way to realize she's not so special after all is to bang a baker's dozen of her friends.
jefe at November 8, 2017 6:15 PM
Ruminating might make you feel sorta good for now -- find something that makes you feel BETTER for LONGER.
Redecorate the bedroom. Plan a trip. Write that embarrassing piece of fanfic you've always wanted to write. Develop a PowerPoint presentation about why your favorite TV show is awesome. Plan out an afghan to knit or crochet. Rebuild an engine. Take a cooking class. Take a welding class. Join a bowling league.
Find something that fires your jets and gets you flying...in a positive, feel-good direction.
Your brain-meat needs something better to do than pick at scabs that are shaped like the bozo. At the risk of mixing my metaphors, after you set your emotional baggage down long enough, you might find yourself less eager to pick it back up again.
WallawallaWanda at November 10, 2017 9:49 AM
I give you Arya Stark
FIDO at November 21, 2017 7:51 PM
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