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An older male friend keeps paying for me -- buying me meals and clothes. Am I making a mistake in accepting? I've repeatedly made clear that I have no romantic interest in him. I'm a struggling artist, and he's highly successful. We're basically BFFs, talking and laughing every day. He occasionally jokes that I should be "giving up the sugar to the sugar daddy," but I roll my eyes and say, "Hush!" I think he's teasing me, but could he be playing the long game?
--Worried
Welcome to the "never say never" school of hope. My Chinese crested, Aida, is also enrolled -- hoping with all her tiny purse-doggy might that rare metal-eating termites will make the kitchen table leg collapse, causing her to be caught in a brief but intense hailstorm of bacon.
There are some asymmetries between men and women in the effort required to get some action out of the opposite sex. Some men will engineer elaborate plots to try to wear a woman's "nuh-uh, never gonna happen" into a "maybe just this once." A woman, on the other hand, doesn't have to plot. Assuming she's reasonably attractive, she can probably just make extended eye contact with a man while eating a banana.
This difference reflects what evolutionary psychologist David Buss explains as men's and women's conflicting evolutionary goals. It's in a man's evolutionary interest to, as they say, shoot and scoot (possibly passing on his genes without putting out any further time, energy, or resources). However, because women can end up all "baby on board," they evolved to look for emotional commitment and the ability and willingness to "provide." (A woman's psychological bottom line: "Can this wild man be turned into a minivan purchaser with a dad bod?")
Buss notes that these sex differences in evolved mating psychology show up in the different ways men and women try to deceive each other. Scammy men tend to exaggerate their "resources" (probably a sizable chunk of the Ferrari rental business) in hopes of suckering the ladies into the sack. Scammy women, on the other hand, tend to feign "willingness to have sex in order to secure nonsexual resources" -- as in, "Sorry, Bob. I had my knees welded shut recently. I guess I forgot to mention that. But thanks for the $300 dinner!"
In your situation, however, nobody's deceiving anybody. You've repeatedly made clear that there will be no sexcapades. He's got an amusing dining companion and a dear friend. When we care about people, we do nice things for them -- offer them a bite of our sandwich or our disposable income.
Sure, he's probably still clinging to wisps of hope. But in time, he should accept that if the day comes when you suddenly grab him in your arms, it'll be because he's got a small piece of chicken caught in his windpipe and he'll die unless you give him the Heimlich maneuver.
He want to f*ck her.
> I roll my eyes and say, "Hush!"
Does that really make clear that she has no romantic interest in him?
Snoopy at November 14, 2017 4:04 PM
"Hush!" said the playa as she cashed the check.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at November 14, 2017 4:17 PM
He needs to read some basic dating guru stuff... Never try to bully, beg or BUY a woman's affection!
jefe at November 14, 2017 5:59 PM
"Hush!" said the playa as she cashed the check.
Baby don't take checks. Straight up cash only.
Amazed_476 at November 15, 2017 5:20 AM
This will work. Trust Great-grandma Elizabeth.
Ask him if he is willing to meet some single female friends of yours closer to his age (either blind date or you give a party and invite them). See how he reacts to this. If he says yes, then do it.
If he meets someone and begins to take only her out to fancy places and buying her lovely clothes, and you are annoyed, then we clearly know why YOU are in this relationship.
If he says no, then we know why HE is.
Elizabeth Falkner at November 15, 2017 6:38 AM
Give me a break. Nobody pays like this, without wanting something in return. He has even hinted that he wants something for his money. You can keep telling him all you want that you are not interested in more with him, but he will not listen, and eventually he is going to want a return on his investment. If you have any self respect whatsoever, you will stop accepting these gifts, unless you want to give him what he wants. You are being bought and paid for, at some point he will get tired of this and want sex out of it.
stormy at November 15, 2017 8:19 AM
The older male friend is getting something very valuable out of this arrangement. Companionship, laughter, hope in something more, attentiveness, and allowing him to be a provider. The younger woman gets taken out for meals, is able to talk about her work, does not have to provide sex for this to continue. No one loses, everyone is up-front and transparent.
M55 at November 15, 2017 11:04 AM
> The older male friend is getting something very
> valuable out of this arrangement. Companionship,
> laughter, hope in something more, attentiveness,
> and allowing him to be a provider
And blue balls.
Snoopy at November 15, 2017 2:39 PM
Yes, you are taking advantage of him. You have told him you aren't going to give him what he wants, but you are aware that he still wants it. You know perfectly well this is unethical, so stop.
The date set-up mentioned above is a good idea, provided you have older female friends.
NicoleK at November 16, 2017 7:36 AM
NicoleK,
Thank you for your comment about my date set-up idea. If she doesn't have any older female friends, it may be that they are wise to her. I don't have many younger female friends only because I live in Sarasota and even at 80 it seems *I* am usually the younger female friend.
Also, Worried doesn't say how frequent ("occasionally") are those jokes. Once a year at Christmas when he has had a couple too many is good for an eye-roll. Once a dinner when it is over-- he is asking for a roll in the hay.
She also doesn't say why a roll in the hay with a close friend who adores you and treats you well, older or not, is out of the question.
We are not told if Worried is female. If Worried is male, now THAT would make some sense to me.
Elizabeth Falkner at November 16, 2017 12:41 PM
**She also doesn't say why a roll in the hay with a close friend who adores you and treats you well, older or not, is out of the question.***
I am guessing because she is not actually a prostitute....
Sheep Mom at November 17, 2017 11:00 AM
I am guessing because she is not actually a prostitute....
Course not, a prostitute is far more honest
lujlp at November 17, 2017 11:13 AM
Well, struggling husher, men can be multi-faceted.
It could be true
1) that he sees her as a surrogate daughter
2) whose work he actually admires and wants to encourage
3) while getting self inflicted emotional 'ego buffs' for being so generous (generosity is frequently it's own reward)
4) while he is able to bask in your beauty and
5) hope to someday bang you.
The roles of a woman can sometimes get mixed up.
Meals make him a humanitarian. Art Supplies make him a patron. Clothes make him slightly creepy and you slightly whore-like. Buy your own God Damn clothes.
Here is the big complex problem with the whole situation: some of his motives (or at least he tells himself this) are laudable. So if you reject his 'laudable' generosity, he is going to be at the very least hurt and rejected.
And if the majority of his feelings are not laudable, he is going to be upset his 'lease to buy' plan for you is being shut down.
But here is the damning thing: You are uncomfortable enough to ask question and throw some shade on him...but not quite uncomfortable enough to turn down the gifts. Hmm!
If you don't like the arrangement, struggle harder.
FIDO at November 21, 2017 8:43 PM
Sit Daddy Warbucks down and say (*seriously* say - no flirting or coyness allowed), "I'd prefer it if you stopped feeding and clothing me, it makes me feel obligated and uncomfortable."
Response A:
*meets your seriousness* "Gee, I'm sorry you feel that way. That wasn't my intention, but okay, sure. Would going Dutch be okay?"
Response B:
*chuckles, cranks up the charm* "Oh honeybun, I'm only doing my part to support the arts..." (or some such horseshit).
Response A is what a friend says.
Response B is what a potential harasser says.
WallawallaWanda at November 24, 2017 7:29 AM
Ah yes,Wanda, he has to be a harasser right?
Because he is so obviously forcing this girl to take his money at gun point and she has no say in the matter
lujlp at November 24, 2017 11:27 AM
Nicole, some more home runs like your first paragraph and you'll be getting calls from MLB scouts.
JD at November 24, 2017 5:22 PM
Wanda,
She knows she owes him something. She could fix this in three seconds by not hanging with him.
She won't and she is worried at being made to feel uncomfortable if he presses his suit. It is always tense at the table when a bill comes and you know that wallet is empty.
She wants the juice without even the feeling that she owes a squeeze. And solicited or unsolicited, she could have, can now, and could tomorrow say 'no'.
She CHOOSES to lead him on by seeing him daily, which puts paid to your ridiculous 'harasser' assertion. It does suggest something about her however.
At worst, he is propositioning her lightly. And she keeps feeding him hope so she can get a new pair of Billy Jeans and dinner which isn't Ramen.
FIDO at November 24, 2017 7:17 PM
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