I've been living with my high-school sweetheart (from 20 years ago) for two blissful years. However, he's still married to his ex (though they've been separated for 10 years). Every dollar he has goes into the business he's building or child support, so I'm paying all the bills. I want to get married and start a family, but beyond his not being divorced, he doesn't want to marry again or have children...at this time. He says this could change in the future.
--Clock's Ticking
You know you can count on him to "put a ring on it" -- when he sets his beer down without a coaster on your vintage lacquered Donghia side table.
It actually isn't surprising that you've managed to maintain hope -- even as your loverman stops just short of tackling you at weddings to keep you from catching the bouquet. Brain imaging studies by anthropologist Helen Fisher and her colleagues find that our love for another person is not merely a feeling. In fact, as she put it in a talk, love is "a motivation system; it's a drive; it's part of the reward system of the brain."
Fisher further explains in her book "Why We Love": "When a reward is delayed, dopamine-producing cells in the brain increase their work, pumping out more of this natural stimulant to energize the brain, focus attention, and drive the pursuer to strive even harder to acquire a reward." (Welcome to the factory where "Only him!" gets made.)
In reality, there are probably a number of love-worthy aspiring Mr. Minivans out there. However, you're blind to this because getting your boyfriend to hubby up (and daddy up) has become a goal, energizing the human motivational system and all of its neurochemical enablers.
Psychologically, the more momentum you gain in pursuing something the less interest you have in exploring whether it even makes sense. Physiologically, surging dopamine and other neurochemicals basically become punks giving rational thought a beat-down so you can keep mindlessly chasing your goal.
To drag rational thought into the mix, pause the misty mental footage of this guy someday "putting a ring on it" and put some numbers on your chances -- Vegas bookie-style. Things to factor: How likely is he to come around on the marriage thing? Babies? And if there's a chance he'd agree to make some, how likely is it to happen before your ovaries put out the "Sorry, We're Closed" sign?
Express the odds in percentages -- as in, "He's X percent likely to do Y" -- basing your guesses on his prior behavior, values, etc. Lay out the percentages visually, by drawing a pie chart. This is helpful because we're bad at understanding odds expressed in abstractions -- vague ideas like "He might marry me!" We're better when the odds are represented in concrete ways -- ways we can pick up with one of our five senses. That pie chart, for example, is a picture of how likely it is that the only way you two will ever have a baby is if some sleepless new parent drops by and accidentally leaves one of their triplets on your couch.
My boyfriend recently ended things, saying he wasn't ready to be tied down. His mother adores me and keeps calling and saying he loves me and to just be patient. Should I be talking to her at all? Is this normal behavior for a 32-year-old man's mom?
--Confused
Stalkers usually want to date you or chain you to a radiator in their basement, not force you to choose between the calla lilies and the "Winter Blessings" wedding centerpiece.
Though his mom's busybodying is weirding you out, it's actually an example of a common dynamic that evolutionary psychologists call "parent-offspring conflict." Not surprisingly, parents and children often have competing interests. In fact, evolutionary biologist David Haig explains that parent-offspring conflict starts in the womb. For instance, moms-to-be sometimes get gestational diabetes when their little hog of a fetus puts out a hormone to mess with the mom's blood glucose -- allowing him to suck up not only his share of nutrients but a bunch of his mother's share, too.
What's in Mommy Meddlingest's interest? A nice, emotionally stable woman, just the ticket to her becoming a grandma -- sooner rather than later -- and not just to newborns that bark. But what's in Sonny Boy's interest? Well, maybe an endless string of sexfriends.
If his mom's calls make you uncomfortable, set boundaries -- kindly! (Say you appreciate her efforts but prefer that she stop intervening.) Ironically, it's parents keeping lovers apart that tends to bring them together (the "Romeo and Juliet effect") -- as opposed to the tack his mom's taking: Yes, someone's rented the apartment directly across from yours, and they're waving at you. Wait -- is that...?
I know humans are typically your subject, but this is a relationship question, so I hope you'll consider answering it. I have a new puppy (an 8-pound terrier mutt). I eventually want her to sleep in bed with me. However, she's not toilet-trained yet, so I "crate" her at night in the laundry room (in a small dog cage). She cries all night. It's heartbreaking. Please help!
--Sleepless In Dogtown
We call dogs "man's best friend" and treat them just like our human best friends -- if at 11 p.m. you say to your BFF, "Wow -- wouldja look at the time," gently remove her beer from her hand, and usher her to her cage in your laundry room.
Crate training, recommended by vets, breeders, and the American Kennel Club, involves confining a dog to a "den" -- a cage or gated-off area -- with her bed and her favorite toys to dismember. However, the crate is not supposed to be used for punishment -- as a sort of Doggy San Quentin -- but, say, for times you can't watch her to keep her from using the $3,000 leather couch as a chew toy or the antique Persian rug as an opulently colored hand-knotted toilet.
The problem you're experiencing in crating your dog at night comes out of doggy-human coevolution. Anthrozoologist John W.S. Bradshaw explains that over generations, we humans bred dogs to be emotionally dependent on us. Not surprisingly, dogs miss their owners, sometimes desperately, when they are separated from them -- and other dogs don't seem to fill the emotional void. In one of Bradshaw's studies -- of 40 Labrador retrievers and border collies -- "well over 50 percent of the Labs and almost half of the collies showed some kind of separation distress" when left alone.
Fortunately, puppies can be trained to understand that your picking up your car keys isn't human-ese for "Goodbye forever!" Bradshaw's advice in "Dog Sense": "Pick up keys, go to door, praise dog." Next: Pick up keys. Go out door. Come right back in. Praise dog. Next: Go out for increasingly longer intervals -- and "go back a stage" (timewise) if the dog shows anxiety.
And good news for you: You probably don't have to spoon with your dog to keep her from feeling separation distress at night. My tiny Chinese crested now sleeps (uh, snores like a cirrhotic old wino) on my pillow, resting her tiny snout on my neck. However, back before she had her bathroom business under control, I went through the crying-at-night-in-the-crate thing (actually a gated alcove by my office).
I felt like the second coming of Cruella de Vil. Then I remembered something about dogs: They have a sense of smell on the level of superhero powers. Maybe my dog didn't have to be in bed; maybe near bed would do. I snagged a big see-through plastic container (maybe 4 feet long and 3 feet high) that my neighbors were tossing out. At bedtime, I put it next to my bed and put my dog in it with her bed and a pee pad. She turned around three times, curled up, and went to sleep -- after giving me a look I'm pretty sure said, "Hey, next time you're gonna throw me in 'the hole,' gimme some notice, and I'll menace the mailman and chase the neighbors' bratty children with a sharpened Nylabone."
I keep seeing men pushing dogs in baby strollers and carrying dogs as women do. What's going on? An epidemic of sissified men? If I ever did this, I'd hope my family would have me committed.
--Disturbed
"Release the hounds!" does lose some of its punch when it's followed by "...as soon as you can unzip them from their polka-dot stroller."
Thankfully, the Centers for Disease Control lists no reports of an outbreak of Pomeranians poking their little heads out of man purses. However, you're right; dog strollers are increasingly becoming a thing. As for why this is, think "Field of Dreams": "If you build it..." and sell it at Petco, people will buy it so they won't have to leave their old, tired, and/or disabled doggy home alone.
As for what pushing a doggybuggy says about a man, anthropologists and zoologists would call this a "costly signal." This is an extravagant or risky trait or behavior that comes with a substantial price -- which suggests that the quality being displayed is for real. An example of this is conspicuous waste -- signaling vast wealth by using $100 bills as birdcage liners. Accordingly, it takes a man with masculinity to burn to not fear putting off all those women who previously announced to their friends, "We want sensitive men! -- though not, you know, 'put their Shih Tzu in a baby stroller' sensitive."
I'm a 32-year-old woman with a really intense job that I love. I work long hours every week, and I often work weekends, too -- by choice. I don't want kids, but I'd love to have a relationship. I just worry that guys will want more of me timewise and energywise than I can give -- which is basically some nights (into mornings) during the week and on weekends -- and will feel neglected and resentful.
--Work First
Understandably, not everyone is into the sort of relationship where a sleepover entails setting up a yurt inside their partner's office.
Like you, I'm pretty fiercely "work first." Because of that, I don't cook; I heat. I'm annoyed by my body's demands for sleep. Every night! And my home seems less like a home than...well, as my boyfriend said -- stepping over the endocrinology research papers and corresponding Post-its laid out all over my bathroom floor: "It looks like an academic crime scene."
You and I are actually somewhat unusual as women who see a "healthy career-life balance" as a threatening crimp in the work that means so much to us. In fact, it turns out that there are some pretty strong sex differences in ambition. (Ladies, please put down the pitchforks!) This isn't to say women aren't ambitious. Plenty of women are; it's just that women, in general, more often want "normal" lives -- with, say, a job they enjoy but go home from before the owls start pouring each other nightcaps.
There's a great deal of research that reflects this. In a 2015 study, economists Ghazala Azmat and Rosa Ferrer surveyed young lawyers on their level of ambition: "When asked to rate, on a scale from 1 to 10, their aspirations to become an equity partner in their firm, 60 percent of male lawyers answered with 8 or more, compared to only 32 percent of female lawyers."
However, there's an assumption that women should want to join the cutthroat race to the corner office. Psychologist Susan Pinker criticizes this as the "male standard" being forced on women. In her 2008 book, "The Sexual Paradox," Pinker points to countless studies that find that women tend to be more motivated by "intrinsic rewards" -- wanting to be happy more than they want to be on top. As an example, she profiles "Donna," who quit her prestigious job as a tenured professor in a computer science department for a lower-status job (tutoring faculty at another university) that allowed her more one-on-one engagement with people. Pinker explains, "Donna decided to opt for what was meaningful for her over status and money."
Like you, I don't want kids. (I describe them as "loud, sticky, and expensive.") However, Pinker notes that there's "plenty of evidence that many more women than men" -- including women at the top of their game -- put family before career advancement. She tracked down "Elaine," the author of an op-ed titled "My glass ceiling is self-imposed," about why she'd declined a promotion that would have put her third from the top in a company with 12,000-plus employees in more than 60 countries.
The president of the company was dumbfounded. But Elaine wrote that she was happily married, with children (and grandparents nearby). The promotion would have required relocating, and that would have destabilized her family. She concluded her piece with the observation that "many companies ... would like nothing more than to have more senior female executives, but not all females are willing to give up what it might take to get there."
These sex differences in ambition make evolutionary sense. Because women evolved to prioritize finding high-status "providers," mate-seeking men evolved to duke it out to occupy the spot of Ye Olde Big Man On Campus. Sure, these days, mover-and-shaker men typically seek women on a par with them in intellect and education. However, men are still vastly more likely than women to date the hot barista -- probably because, over evolutionary history, men evolved to prioritize signs of health and fertility in women (or, to put it another way: "Ye Olde Big Perky Breastesses").
Getting back to you, though guys are likely to be surprised that a woman would be so job-obsessed, there are those who'll be good with the limited amount of girlfriendhood you have to provide. Zeroing in on them just takes disclosure -- on your online dating profile and when you go on dates. Giving clear forewarning is the right thing to do for anyone with any unusual or obsessive pursuit -- whether it's a sex fetish, spending all one's time and disposable income tracking Sasquatch, or building a nuclear reactor in the basement. As for you, sure, you do eventually see yourself leaving the office -- but probably in a vintage Japanese cloisonne urn.
December 6, 2017I'm a newly divorced woman trying some online dating sites. Because I read your column, I understand how men prioritize beauty. I'm an attractive woman, but I often photograph terribly, and I'm thinking of spending some money and having a professional photographer shoot some pix in a studio. Would this be a good investment? I feel like I'd have a better shot if I had really great photos.
--Unphotogenic
Being somewhat vain, I fear the candid camera. In fact, I not only favor the posed photo but tend to stick (rather aggressively) to a single pose -- the one that doesn't make people wonder whether I eat oats out of a burlap bag.
On online dating sites especially, appearance drives whom we choose or lose. Not surprisingly, marketing researcher Jonah Berger reports that "most online contexts," including dating sites, "are dominated by posed photos," as opposed to the candid kind -- to the point where the main leisure activity in North America appears to be standing in a bathroom making duck lips for the camera.
Berger notes that people tend to assume that others will find them more likable and worth getting to know if they present "a curated, polished version of the self." Yet in his research, it was the candid pix that made people more interested in "being friends with or going on a date" with the person pictured. Those he surveyed also reported feeling "more connected" to those in the candid photos and liking these people more overall.
"Candid photos made photo targets seem more genuine," Berger explains. They "seem to provide a glimpse into what someone is truly like, an unvarnished perspective on how they look and behave when others aren't looking." However, there are times when candids are less advisable. For example, Berger found that employers on LinkedIn were more interested in hiring someone who used a posed photo. Sadly, it seems the candid "Here I am at 1 in the morning drinking my sixth glass of chardonnay" does not scream, "Hire MEEEEE!"
But getting back to online dating, let's temper Berger's findings with what we all know: The hotter you look the more replies you'll get on a dating site. So, because you're somebody who often photographs "terribly," your best bet is getting photos taken that appear to be candid. You do this by having a photographer or friend shoot you "in action" -- in other words, appearing not to notice the big honking lens or the iPhone right in your face. Plan to shoot a ton of photos and at least a few will catch you looking babe-alicious. This should help you bridge the photogenic fairness gap -- how there are those the candid camera loves and those it loves to make look like ringers for Winston Churchill.
I'm happily married. My wife is beautiful. She used to put a lot of effort into her appearance, but she now wears sweats and T-shirts everywhere and she never wears makeup or does her hair. I felt really bad about this on our recent date night, when she just put her hair in a ponytail and wore a slouchy army jacket. I want her to keep making an effort to put herself together for me. How can I offer her constructive criticism without making her mad?
--Bummed
You come up behind a ragged, disheveled person standing on the corner and put a dollar in the Starbucks cup they're holding -- and then you realize your error: "Oops! Hi, honey!"
I suspect the term "constructive criticism" was coined by someone who went through life without ever encountering another human being. As I explain in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," here in the real world, "criticizing people doesn't make them change; it makes them want to clobber you." That's because our ancient fight-or-flight system is a little one-note -- juicing us to respond to a verbal attack as if it were an attack by some dude running at us with a bloody spear.
So, though it isn't unreasonable to want your wife to make an effort on date night, you should focus on what you do want to see rather than what you don't. For example: "Honey, you're so beautiful, and when it's date night, it would make me so happy if you did your hair and wore a dress. And I'll wear whatever you want." And to get her to make more of an effort day to day: "I love you so much, and I want to be sure we keep the romance alive." Make clear that you aren't expecting her to do the dishes in an evening dress and a tiara. You'd just be thrilled if, from time to time, the thigh-highs could be fishnets instead of, well, hip waders.