Destiny's Problem Child
I saw this gorgeous girl at the coffeehouse at the mall two months ago. It was totally love at first sight. I keep hanging out there hoping to see her again. Am I nuts, or does love at first sight really exist?
--Smitten
It's so special when a man tells a woman he's deeply in love with her -- except when her response is "Excuse me, but have we met?"
Love at first sight sounds so romantic. There are those couples who claim they had it -- causing mass nausea at dinner parties when they look into each other's eyes and announce, "From the moment we saw each other, we just KNEW." Uh, or did they? A Swiss psychology grad student, Florian Zsok, ran some experiments to see what love at first sight is actually made of.
Zsok and his colleagues were looking for the three elements that psychologist Robert Sternberg theorizes interact to produce love: intimacy, commitment, and passion (made up of physical arousal, desire, excitement, and longing). They surveyed participants online and in a lab setting -- asking them how they felt about people in photographs -- and in three dating events, getting their reactions to people they'd just met. Of the 396 participants, love at first sight "was indicated 49 times by 32 different individuals." (That rare and wonderful lightning struck twice or maybe three times for some.) And here's a shocker: "None of the instances of (love at first sight) was reciprocal."
Not surprisingly, none of the participants who said they'd felt love at first sight had the elements of intimacy or commitment as part of their experience. The one element they did have? Passion -- in the form of "physical attraction." Basically, the researchers empirically confirmed what some of us intuitively understand: "Love at first sight" is just a classier way of expressing the sentiment yelled from passing cars: "Hey, miniskirt! You're late for your visit to My Penis Avenue!"
As for couples who insist they had love at first sight, the researchers believe they could be retrospectively repainting their first meeting to make their relationship feel more special. The reality: "We just knew" is "we just got lucky" (stated in a way that makes frustrated single people long to commit hara-kiri with the nearest shrimp fork).
Reminding yourself that you just have the plain old hots for this girl is probably the best way for you to do what needs to be done -- shift to some other activity (Masturbate! Play video games!) when the impulse strikes to stake out Coffeeland. Getting stuck on a total stranger this way probably makes it impossible to behave normally in their presence -- or want to look closely enough to see who they really are. As alluring a concept as love at first sight is, in practice it tends to work out best with inanimate objects -- a painting or an antique chair (something that doesn't make big wet smacking sounds when it chews or take so long to text you back that you buy it a burial plot).
This is the equivalent of admiring a centerfold in Playboy magazine. There is diversity, so one of the hundreds who have posed may command your attention.
In no case will the model know who you are. If you are of striking appearance, you would experience the phenomenon your crush probably strives to avoid: endless attention, when trying to mind your own business.
Better be fascinating. If you suffer from Appearance Deficit Disorder, like most of us, she's gonna have to be impressed by something else about you.
Radwaste at January 9, 2018 5:15 PM
I may have had love at first sight with my husband. He wasn’t all that good looking but our eyes caught across a crowded room and my first thought was, “I could marry him.” I knew it was ridiculous but that thought niggled at my mind.
I had dated very good looking men, but this guy just seemed right for some reason. Perhaps I immediately weighed all sorts of subconscious factors and decided that we were well-matched. I was tired of being disappointed or left.
I once dated a Calvin Klein underwear model. It definitely wasn’t love at first sight. The thought of dating him never crossed my mind. I was shocked when he asked me out. I almost said no. He could get much prettier, more successful girls. He was a college student while I was still in high School. He showed me around his home and even his hot tub but he never even suggested that I hop in. I didn’t feel that chemistry. I wondered if he was gay. There was no terrible about the date but nothing good either. He took me home and we parted without even a kiss. It certainly didn’t bother me since there was Nothing there.
People speak as though chemistry is thinking that someone looks hot or beautiful. I think it is so much more.
Jen at January 11, 2018 8:07 PM
Most people figure out inside five minutes (or seconds!) if they'd bounce on the bed with someone. David D has managed, better than anyone else I've read, to explain just what "attraction" is: It is a powerful physical and emotional RESPONSE. If I tickle you just right, I might get you to laugh. That is a response, even if I said nothing funny. If I get you to FEEL attraction for me, it's probably because of my body language, tone of voice, eye contact, and more. David D continues, "A woman does not FEEL ATTRACTION for a man who makes her THINK. A woman FEELS ATTRACTION for a man who makes her FEEL." I would add, it almost doesn't matter if the feeling is good, or bad, it simply must BE. It's why women fall for jerks and psychos.
I still wonder "What if?" about the beautiful blonde coed who was trying to come on to me at the nude beach. I was trying to be too cool. That was many years ago...
jefe at January 17, 2018 12:02 PM
Jen: I was about to write a comment about love at first sight with my husband and am amazed that it echoes your post almost word for word. I was 29, working in a new city, single, ready for a serious relationship but not desperate, pretty, and used to dating fairly good-looking guys. Met husband along with dozens and dozens of single men at work and out of nowhere the thought came to me, "Whoever is married to this man would be the luckiest woman in the world." I had barely spoken to him and he was very average looking and not my "type." A few months later I had the chance to approach him at an office party and that was that--27 years ago.
RigelDog at January 20, 2018 4:09 PM
I asked a young woman once what she was looking for in a potential husband. The FIRST thing she mentioned was that he should be "good-looking". She caught the side-eye I gave her, but I let her finish. After a few seconds of thundering silence, I said "I see you've never been burned by a good-looking guy." She looked a little puzzled. Then I said that if she ever gets well and truly burned by a "good-looking guy", even ONCE -- "good-looking" won't ever be on her list again.
Nancy at January 30, 2018 1:47 AM
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