Nose To The Groin Stone
I'm a woman, and I recently made a new professional connection -- a man who's excited about my work. We're planning on doing a big important project together. I'm worried that he's interested in me romantically (based on a few things he's said). I'm not interested in him in that way. What's the right thing to say to get that across?
--All Business
It's tempting to get everything out in the open right away: "I've run the numbers on your chances of having sex with me, and they're pretty close to the odds of your being crushed to death by a middle-aged dentist falling out of the sky."
Informing a guy pronto that you aren't romantically interested in him -- though in somewhat kinder language -- would be the right thing to do if he were just some persistent Tinder date you wanted to unload forever. But you're hoping to have a continuing business relationship with this guy. So even if it were wildly obvious that he has the hots for you, the last thing you should do is mention that particular elephant in the room (not even while you're pole-vaulting over steaming mountain ranges of elephant dung).
Cognitive psychologist and linguist Steven Pinker points out that "most social interaction" involves some conflicting goals -- for example, when only one of two people is interested in ending the evening in the tool shed/sex dungeon. (Yes, sometimes the nightcap is a rubber hood.)
Pinker explains that "indirect speech" -- not saying exactly what you think or want -- is a way two people can maintain their relationship as it is (even when both suspect or are pretty sure that their desired outcomes are in sharp conflict). The sometimes tiny measure of ambiguity -- uncertainty about another person's goals -- that is fostered by indirect speech does a big job. It allows the person who wants something the other doesn't to save face, enabling the two to preserve their common ground.
So, your refraining from telling the guy that you aren't interested (in so many words) allows him to cling to the ego-preserving possibility that you might be. If he goes direct on you -- tells you he wants to sex up your business relationship -- that's when you likewise get explicit: Tell him straight out that you want to keep things strictly professional. However, this may not be necessary if you act in ways that say "just business!" Avoid going flirty in communicating with him, and schedule meetings for the utterly unsexiest times and places possible. Nobody ends up doing the walk of shame because they had seconds on biscotti and one too many double espressos.
All good points. Plus, in the event that the LW has mis-read the guy, coming out and telling him "Don't ask me out; I'm not interested" will come across as a completely gratuitous insult.
Cousin Dave at January 17, 2018 9:16 AM
Dropping "boyfriend" references-- with regard to someone else-- often has the right effect. Be careful, though, because the dating gurus are telling men how to trash your "I have a boyfriend" ploy and turn it in their own favor...
jefe at January 17, 2018 11:51 AM
Jefe, how do they turn it in their favor?
NicoleK at January 18, 2018 4:21 AM
If she thinks that taking an opportunity because he is more interested in HER than her business model is wrong, and she feels this is the case, she should drop the opportunity.
But she doesn't want to lose the opportunity.
This advice reeks of 'let him lead himself on and keep that gravy train running but maintain plausible deniability'.
The fact that he might be interested in making her Mrs. Businessman isn't an immoral thing unless he puts a string on the deal. But she already is running around with scissors.
But let's be clear: Sometimes a man's 'interest' is just the delight at working with someone young and pretty. Some women's egos inflates this interest to operatic proportions.
Sometimes, however, they are correct.
If she is young and pretty and the tension of working with men who might be interested in her is so odious, she should start a home business or only work with women, cause she isn't suited for the workplace.
FIDO at January 18, 2018 7:14 AM
Agreed on the timing of meetings. Pretend that you work in a traditional office environment, and respond accordingly.
If he invites you to dinner or after-work drinks, you say, “I have a class after work. How about morning coffee or lunch?”
If he tries to make the lunch more personal than business, say “I know we probably both need to get back to work. So let’s wrap up XYZ and get a meeting on the calendar to share results.”
If (and this happened to my sister once) he comes at you with, “Well I’d like to get to know you better. How about dinner where we don’t discuss business?” then you have the opportunity to say, “Well I keep my business and professional lives separate and I value you as a professional colleague.” He May decide to stop working with you and if that’s the case, it’s a good thing because he never valued the businesss relationship anyway, and nothing would have gotten done as you dodged thinly veiled date invitations and unproductive meetings indefinitely.
sofar at January 19, 2018 8:06 AM
I'm worried that he's interested in me romantically (based on a few things he's said).
He's not interested in you romantically.
He just wants to get in your pants.
JD at January 23, 2018 7:24 PM
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