Hello. Is It Me You're Cooking For?
I'm a single woman in my mid-30s, and I can't cook. I'm also not interested in learning. My parents are old-school, and this worries them. They keep telling me that "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." Is that really still true?
--Takeout Queen
A man does not stay with a mean woman simply because she makes a mean pot roast: "Yeah, bro, I was all ready to leave her, but then my stomach chained itself to the kitchen table."
However, what matters for a lot of men is that you're loving as you pry the plastic lid off their dinner. Being loving is not just a state of mind; it is something you do -- a habit of being responsive to what marriage researcher John Gottman calls "bids" from your partner for your attention, affection, or support.
Being responsive involves listening to and engaging with your partner, even in the mundane little moments of life. So when your man grumbles that his hairline is retreating like the Germans at Kursk, you say something sweet or even funny back -- as opposed to treating his remark like background noise or snarling something about being late to work.
Sure, some men will find it a deal breaker that you don't cook -- same as some will find it a deal breaker if you aren't up for raising children or llamas. But even a cursory familiarity with male anatomy suggests there are a number of ways to a man's heart, from the obvious -- a surgical saw through the sternum -- to a more indirect but far more popular route: showing him you can tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue.
What Amy said.
PS. Please don’t change to find a way to a man’s heart. Be you. Find someone who adores that.
I’ve found that men often don’t even want what they want. My husband hated my healthy and exotic cooking. He wanted meat and potatoes. We both got fat. I’m back to cooking - what I like. We are both healthier and feeling better. He’s starting to grumble less.
This has happened to us in other areas too. I’ve given up what I enjoyed for him but lost that enthusiasm and spark. We need that element of debate and new energy in our relationship.
Jen at June 6, 2018 7:57 AM
Don't learn to cook just to keep a man...learn to cook for YOURSELF and any possible children you might have in the future. You'll be much healthier for it. Plus, you won't have to wonder who might have sneezed or coughed all over your food or maybe dropped it on the floor before serving it to you.
Jan at June 6, 2018 12:45 PM
As a man let me assure you I can cokk for myself, what I cant do is suck my own dick, give myself a hug after a bad day, of feel a profound sense of fulfillment when thanking myself after solving my own problems.
You want a man? Find a guy who isnt an asshole, have sex once or twice a week with him, ask him to help you fix problems, dont complain when he tries to fix things without asking you first, and dont ask "what are you thinking?" more than once a month.
lujlp at June 9, 2018 10:20 AM
Same ol' loojy!! How's everyone? Been a long while, but I'm finally starting to feel like my old self. It's been a rough time, but I saw it through!
And yes, what Amy said. Gotta be you, because everyone else is already taken! Just learn a few basic things, you know, boil water, fry an egg, get into gradually. Or not. You know what you like.
Hi Amy, I hope all is well! :)
Flynne at June 16, 2018 8:16 AM
Also, don't look down your nose at him and say, "Are you trying to be funny?" when he is trying to be funny.
ken at June 21, 2018 11:20 AM
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