You Had Me At Hell
I'm a married gay man, and I hate my in-laws. They were disgustingly abusive to my husband when he was a child. They're in failing health now, and it's important to him to visit them a couple of times a year. How do I get through these mandatory trips?
--Dreading It
It's probably tempting to buy his family the sort of classic furniture you think they deserve. Unfortunately, they only ship that model of chair to prisons with a death row.
There is actually opportunity within this biannual awfulness you two have to go through. In the movies, people show their love through grand gestures: "We'll always have Paris!" In real life, according to psychologist John Gottman's research, the strongest, happiest relationships are made up of constant mundane little loving interactions: "You were so sweet to me in Costco."
Gottman finds that the key determinant in whether a relationship succeeds or fails is the ability to trust one's partner. This means not just trusting that they won't cheat but trusting that they'll continually make you and your needs a priority, on a moment-by-moment basis. For example, as Gottman puts it: "Can I trust you to be there and listen to me when I'm upset? ... To choose me over your mother, over your friends? ... To help with things in the house? To really be involved with our children?"
So, though you can't undo the past, when you're on one of these visits, you can shift your focus from hating your in-laws to showing your love for your husband. Listen. Tell him, "I know this is really hard for you." Hug him. Rub his feet. Once you're out of the inlaw inferno, you might discuss trying to make a habit of this sort of thing -- really being present for each other in the numerous "unimportant" moments of life.
This will keep you from being one of those couples frantically trying to plug gaping holes in their relationship with extravagant gestures. Typically, these are ultimately futile -- too little, too late -- and tend to not come off as planned. For example, if you're having 150 doves released over you as you renew your vows, you'd better see that they're all wearing tiny gold lamé diapers.
Great thought on how to reframe these difficult visits.
tasha at June 20, 2018 6:31 AM
If it's important to your SO, it is important for YOU. Maybe not fun or rewarding, but if you expect him to stand beside you in difficult times, you better be willing to do the same. At least it's only a couple time a year, imagine what it would be if it was every Sunday for dinner!
bkmale at June 20, 2018 7:08 AM
Like others have said, just remember whom you're doing it for.
And try not to dwell too much on Miss Alkon's diapered-dove imagery!
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at June 20, 2018 7:15 AM
Do you HAVE to go with him? How does he feel about you not going? I refused to see my truly hateful MIL for years before she finally died. My husband backed me on this.
My MIL asked a family friend why I didn't want to see her. He said, "You have been mean, hateful, and spiteful to her for years." She stamped her little foot and whined, "That is not true." Friend said, "I saw it many times." MIL called him a liar and that was that.
elizabeth at June 22, 2018 7:43 AM
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