Power Tulle
Why are there lots of bridal magazines but no magazines for grooms? What does that imply?
--A Male
Consider men's general lack of interest in wedding planning. Of course, if men did the organizing, there'd probably be a paintball duel to the altar, strippers serving nachos, and a minister who ends the ceremony with: "You may now have a threesome with the bride and her sister."
However, what we could call the "wedding-industrial complex" -- with $56 billion in sales in the U.S. in 2017 (per The Wedding Report) -- is driven mainly by women (and, more recently -- and to a lesser extent -- very stylish gay men). So we often hear about "bridezillas" -- human nightmares losing it over picky-wicky wedding details -- but it's the rare man who even comes close to caring enough to be called a "groomzilla."
In fact, though many women start planning their weddings years before meeting a potential groom, there probably isn't a guy out there who gave thought to, say, what the centerpieces would be until he absolutely had to: "Um...honey, am I crazy, or is that an electric cattle prod you're holding?"
And frankly, for the average guy getting married, the ideal situation would be to propose, get clocked with a bowling trophy, and wake up 10 months later to one of his bros shaking a tux in his face and saying, "Hose off and get dressed, man. You gotta be at the chapel in an hour!"
These sex differences in wedding micromanagement reflect evolved sex differences in what evolutionary psychologists David Buss and David Schmitt call "sexual strategies." These refer to long-term versus short-term orientation in mating -- committed sex versus casual sex.
Though there are times when casual sex is the optimal choice for a woman, in general, women tend to benefit more from a "long-term mating strategy" -- holding out for men who are willing and able to stick around to protect and provide for their children. (Think handsome prince -- and all that "happily ever after" stuff -- versus handsome hookup.)
Men will suck it up and opt for a long-term relationship for a number of reasons, Buss and Schmitt explain: because being on the hunt is time-, energy-, and resource-sucking and because "highly desirable" women can hold out for commitment. But because a man can, let's just say, sheet 'em and street 'em and still have a pretty good chance of passing on his genes, men often benefit more from a "short-term sexual strategy" -- quantity over quality, or what I call the "I love a parade!" model.
Still, this isn't all that's driving the average man's lack of interest in the color of the posies on the dessert table. There's also the evolved sex difference in status competition -- the differing ways men and women compete for status intrasexually (with others of their sex).
As I explained recently, a major way men compete for status with other men is by being accompanied by smoking-hot women. (Welcome to the Armcandylympics!) These hotties don't have to be wives or girlfriends; they just shouldn't look like they're with a guy simply because his credit card cleared at the rent-a-"model" website.
Women, on the other hand, evolved to compete for status with other women by pairing up with the most high-status man they can get. Though we're living in modern times, we're still driven by Stone Age psychology. In ancestral times, a woman's partner's status would have been a life-or-death issue -- affecting the level of "provisioning" (eats, housing) and protection she had for herself and her children.
In other words, so-called "princess culture" was created by evolution, not Disney. So little girls, to the great dismay of their progressive parents, are drawn to those stories of the scullery maid who ends up marrying the prince -- the rich, high-status, hunky dude (good genes!) who could have any woman but finds our girl uniquely bewitching.
A man bewitched is a man less likely to stray -- so the fairy tale is actually a commitment fantasy. The "fairy tale wedding" is a celebration of that -- the successful completion of an evolutionary imperative, or, as the bride might put it: "Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah! You girls fight amongst yourselves for the toothless peasants!"
Getting back to the male point of view, a guy gets married because he has become "bewitched" ("fallen in love," in contemporary terms) and wants a life partner and/or a family and realizes that sex with a string of strippers is not the path to suburban dad-hood. However, even when a man decides to commit to one particular woman, his evolved drive for sexual variety remains. So...to finally answer your question: No man wants to buy "Grooms!" magazine -- because a wedding is, in a sense, a giant frothy funeral for his sex life.
Love the title! Very clever.
Camillia at September 19, 2018 6:44 AM
There are no wedding mags/sites for men because men don’t care about the advance planning/logistics (these magazines/sites, at their core, are designed to appeal to women who are thinking in advance about photography, venues, guest lists, ceremony, etc.)
Men in my age group/social group do care very very much about their weddings and want a big-ass party and Instagram-worthy photos, but they’re not big into the advance research or doing what Martha Stewart tells them to do. Women are thinking about flowers right after getting engaged while men are thinking a week out if their wedding party can ride into the ceremony on scooters because they saw a video of it and it looked cool.
Basically, I made sure both our big Catholic families were fed and we weren’t over-paying on photography and that there were enough chairs, while my husband researched fog machines at the last minute.
sofar at September 19, 2018 8:39 AM
My husband went nuts with wedding planning--created the art, wrote the vows, etc. But we also had a weirdo punk/goth ceremony so that's probably why. I dealt with my dress and makeup and he basically did everything else. It meant our cake was a giant carrot cake decorated with plastic spiders (did I mention we got married on Halloween?), but that wasn't going to be a surprise to our families or friends.
I also don't think anyone was under the impression that it was a boner killer of a wedding either. So it can be done! Just requires buying your dress at a goth/stripper store, maybe being a teeeeny bit high, and plastic spiders. Lots of plastic spiders!
I do also wonder if now that dudes can marry dudes there will be at least a little bit of a market for super stylish planning materials. Most of the guys I know who've married same-sex partners could give the Queer Eye guys a run for their money when it comes to style.
Anathema at September 19, 2018 1:20 PM
Well, an extravagant wedding is certainly a massive shit test for 'bewitchment'.
Granted, it can also likely put a mortal wound in the marriage from the get go. 'She's like this now when SHE is supposed to be besotted with ME...how much WORSE is she going to be when the shine rubs off the penny'? How can someone who says she loves me treat me like this?
Or the damage to their finances when the bill for the released doves and the horse drawn carriage finally comes due...right after vacation and all that time off work. Money is the leading cause of divorce...and Miss Spending just blew a huge hole in the Good Ship Matrimonial Budget as she does a 'Monica'.
Not all damage to a marriage comes from the guy.
FIDO at September 20, 2018 1:35 AM
Short Answer: Every girl wants to be a Princess, if only for a day and this is the excuse to be one every woman is offered.
I wouldn't doubt that a few of the 'briefly married' girls do it with a 'meh' guy JUST for the party
FIDO at September 20, 2018 5:08 AM
Paintball and nachos? We do not know the same guys.
NicoleK at September 20, 2018 5:46 AM
Any woman who needs a costly "special day" and expensive clothing in order to feel beautiful is marrying the wrong man. I am 81 and overweight and my husband's love makes me feel beautiful every day.
We married FIVE WEEKS after we met. We picked up a license and made an appointment to marry at the Clerk's Office. Two friends were witnesses and we all went to our home (by motorcycle) to greet friends and relatives who dropped in.
We're still married.
Grandma Elizabeth at September 20, 2018 11:25 AM
Short Answer: Every girl wants to be a Princess, if only for a day and this is the excuse to be one every woman is offered.
And she can be, so long as her father pays for it
lujlp at September 21, 2018 1:29 AM
"I do also wonder if now that dudes can marry dudes there will be at least a little bit of a market for super stylish planning materials."
Probably not. There just aren't enough of them.
As for the paint ball, strippers, and nachos, while it is a witty line in real life probably not. Instead there would be roughly 5 different kinds of weddings and you just pick one. Everyone would have the same standardized centerpieces. Same standardized venues. All very simple and boring. After all look at men's professional clothing. You get one thing, the suit. We all wear it. Nobody likes it. But that is the tradition and no one cares enough to mess with it.
Ben at September 23, 2018 2:55 PM
I remember seeing a magazine for grooms and bestmen. My friend and I laughed at it. Articles were on topics like making the perfect toast, dealing with bridezilla, planning the stag party/get-a-way. I remember it showcased two companies - the ultimate party was the guys going to Portugal. The value party was a weekend in a private hunting lodge just a few hour ride from NYC.
The Former Banker at September 24, 2018 10:31 PM
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