Business Meating
A man asked me for my number at an event, saying he wanted to take me to dinner. I told him I'd just ended a relationship and wasn't ready to date. Of course, he then said it'd be a business dinner, and I consented and wrote my number down. I feel that I had bad boundaries and wish a) he hadn't been so forward and b) I hadn't given my number. How could I handle this better in the future? I'm a pretty assertive woman, so my collapsing under pressure was disturbing.
--Jell-O
This is like your telling somebody who wants you to dog-sit "Sorry, I'm allergic to dogs" and having them come back with "Actually, he identifies as a parrot."
To understand why you -- "a pretty assertive woman" -- basically defaulted to smileyface emoji mode when the poo emoji better fit the bill, it helps to know a few things about the psychology of personality. There are five major domains of personality that drive how a person acts -- and they tend to be fairly stable across time and situations. These include conscientiousness -- which reflects a person's level of self-control and sense of responsibility to others. Another is extroversion -- reflecting where a person falls on a spectrum from outgoingness to seeing social events as a form of torture that should have been banned by the Geneva Conventions.
Researchers find that women across cultures -- whether rating their own personality or being rated by others -- consistently come out higher than men in one of these personality domains: "agreeableness." This is a "nice girl/nice guy" personality trait that plays out in kindness, generosity, warmth and a strong motivation to have positive interactions with others.
It makes sense that women -- on average, smaller and weaker than men -- would be higher in agreeableness. Psychologist Joyce Benenson, who researches sex differences from infancy on, believes that women's tendency to default to polite acquiescence in the face of conflict is an evolved tactic to reduce their chances of being physically harmed.
As a woman, it's likely you're a high scorer in the agreeableness department. However, as anthropologist Jerome Barkow points out, "biology is destiny only if we ignore it." Recognizing your propensity to be "nice" allows you to preplan to act in your best interest -- have prepared answers for creative pursuers like this guy. For example: 1. You're not ready to date. 2. You're happy to take a phone call to see whether there might be a business opportunity. This should help you separate potentially lucrative business propositions from tarted-up versions of "There's a very important meeting you simply must attend...in my pants."
You did it because you have an instinct that stops you from pissing off men, who are larger and have more muscle mass. Same reason you might lie about an imaginary boyfriend. Same reason I conspicuously brush back wisps of hair with the hand that has my rings on it. Same reason some of us give out fake numbers.
Because even though you are in a setting where the guy is unlikely to go all nutty rapist on you, your instincts have not caught up with your reality.
NicoleK at December 12, 2018 6:19 AM
"[I] wish he hadn't been so forward..."
He's forward because men who aren't don't get many dates. That's just the way it is.
Cousin Dave at December 12, 2018 6:27 AM
Many years ago, I answered the phone on a Sunday morning at about 11:00 and the man on the other end asked for Helen. I told him he had the wrong number and hung up.
This was the in the days before caller ID and as a mother of eight, I always answered the telephone.
My phone rang eleven times that day; all men, all looking for Helen. I asked the third caller where he got the number. He said Helen had given it to him at a very large party the night before and he had carefully written it down.
As I was preparing to retire for the night, the phone rang again. My husband deadpanned, "I bet that's Helen asking for her messages." (It was my Mother.)
Grandma Elizabeth at December 12, 2018 9:27 PM
Of course, he then said it'd be a business dinner...
And, of course, after dinner, he'd invite you back to his business bedroom for some naked supply chain discussions.
JD at December 15, 2018 3:57 PM
You might wish he hadn't been so forward, but it's a waste of time to wish anybody was some other way. You only control how you respond to jerky invitations. Wringing your hands over certain people not behaving in appropriate ways will not cause anyone to change their behavior.
Patrick at December 17, 2018 8:56 AM
You said "yes" because some part of you wanted to say "yes". Maybe that part of you was merely your stomach (free food! yay!) or possibly something else.
Or maybe it'll turn out that it really is a business dinner, and that you'll discuss boring business things, and then next question you send Amy's way is why didn't he at least flirt me?
I R A Darth Aggie at December 17, 2018 10:35 AM
And maybe part of you thought your mouth was spouting nonsense.
That you regret the choice means you are a) human and b) (worse) female who never made a decision they didn't hate.
As stated before: non- pushy men don't get dates unless they are gorgeous and rich.
I would be more worried that you weren't smart enough to give a fake number. Or maybe that is something else your subconscious is trying to tell you
FIDO at December 18, 2018 7:15 AM
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