Her Beta Half
In a documentary on Lady Gaga, she talked about how whenever she reached a new pinnacle of success, her boyfriend or fiance left her. It happened three times. My most recent boyfriend couldn't handle it when I started to become successful. Are my options to be successful and alone or unsuccessful and loved? How do I find someone who won't feel threatened?
--Disturbed
It's often hard for a man who's achieved less than the woman he's with. She introduces him with "Meet my boyfriend..." and he imagines everybody finishing her thought with "...the man whose job it is to eat treats out of my hand like a squirrel."
Wave hello to "precarious manhood," a term coined by psychologists Jennifer Bosson and Joseph Vandello for how a man's social status must be continually earned and "can be lost relatively easily" through public failures and the exposure of his shortcomings. We rack up our social standing in comparison with others. So, not surprisingly -- in line with research I recently cited about men's freakouts when they were told a woman beat them in every category on an exam -- Bosson and Vandello write that "feelings of masculinity can be undone" by "being outperformed by a woman."
The reality is, the world is not our dating oyster. (Atheists have to take a pass on the hot churchgoers. The teetotalers go poorly with the "social crack smokers.") Accept that success narrows your options, and concentrate on meeting men in places the honchos (or at least the highly successful) hang out. (Price points -- like costly admission to a charity event -- are one way to weed out many of those of middling achievement.) Narrowing the field this way should make you less likely to hear dismaying parting words from a man -- those that basically translate to "I have mad respect for your success. My penis, unfortunately, has some ambivalence."
I stocked up. Got some military awards and some advanced degrees before I met my SO.
She's been a licensed general contractor for 20 years, and she's a master of drywall, paint and tile. Girl likes to build stuff.
Me, I don't. I don't mind being Mister MsLadyContractor - I do heavy lifting, fetch tools and hold things steady while she disciplines them into place. I don't mind.
And for all those hard-handed workin' subcontractors who wonder what it's like to be bossed around by a lady, take a look in the mirror, mac. She writes the checks.
So, LW, you're gonna need a male who already found his confidence, and doesn't need to be reassured. They're out there - not as cute as the guys who go for glitz, glamour and wealth, but y'know cute ain't all there is to it.
Think of it. You come to bed, and some nice man sez "Hey, hon. Beautiful job on that concrete curb. What's it for?" Without blushing.
Minos at January 8, 2019 9:41 AM
Sorry but I don't buy it. There may be some guys who can't handle it, but more often I've observed that it's the woman who has issues if she's making more than her boyfriend or husband.
This is actually a prominent predictor of divorce, initiated by the woman.
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Is there some law in America that compels people to blame everything on men? Because honestly, it's ridiculous how any time there is some issue or controversy involving men and women, Americans twist things to blame the man.
A woman can literally murder her children by drowning them and everyone bends over backward to find a man to blame.
Also FWIW Lady Gaga is notoriously difficult and demanding. She's been sued by assistants for her abusive behavior. My guess is that she pushed these guys away as her ego grew.
matilda at January 8, 2019 10:06 AM
"My most recent boyfriend couldn't handle it when I started to become successful."
Yeah, that's the problem.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at January 8, 2019 2:44 PM
LW, you could always date Kevin Federline.
Patrick at January 10, 2019 4:41 AM
When they were in their 40s, my mom started outearning my Dad big time. She also was from a wealthier family than he was. I do think this caused a bit of tension in their marriage and she feels she has more say because she earns more, but over all they get along and it works fine.
That said, he was a founder and a partner of a firm with 50 employees and successful in his own right, just not AS successful.
The main thing is to find someone who is successful in his own right, and in more or less the same strata as you even if you're on the higher end of your caste and he's on the lower end.
NicoleK at January 11, 2019 8:11 AM
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