Teetotally Awesome
I'm a recovering addict, five years sober. My ex-boyfriend was a "normie" (12-step slang for someone who hasn't had addiction issues), and there were definitely things he just didn't get. Do I need to date another recovering addict to feel understood? I've done that before, and I really don't like it. It's like living in a recovery bubble 24/7.
--Sober
A person who doesn't have a history of addiction can understand the need to take the edge off. They'll even admit to doing it themselves -- with a cup of chamomile tea.
Though "normies" tend to view addicts as lazy, an addict's shame sometimes comes out of typically impressive qualities -- like creativity and industriousness -- being applied to getting loaded. Take author and former comedian Amy Dresner. In her addiction memoir, "My Fair Junkie," she writes about suffering a grand mal seizure while shooting cocaine. Realizing that she could've cracked her head open, she had an epiphany -- no, not to stop shooting coke but to strap on a bike helmet before doing it.
As shocking as this would be to most normie men, there are those who could still be a good partner to someone in recovery -- if they're willing to put some work into empathizing. However, it turns out there are different kinds of empathy. In short, "I feel ya" empathy is different from "I understand you" empathy. "I feel ya" is dumb empathy, the kind that just pops up automatically, without any mental effort on our part. Researchers call this auto-empathy "affective empathy," because "affect" is researcher-speak for the observable expression of emotion (in a person's face, body, or voice). Affective empathy involves "emotional contagion," in which you "catch" and then automatically experience somebody's emotion, to some degree. (It's basically the emotional version of the mythical "contact high.")
"I understand you" empathy, on the other hand, is "cognitive empathy," a psychological skill that psychologists also call "perspective-taking." It involves a conscious mental effort to put yourself in another person's shoes -- to understand their point of view, motivations, and/or emotions. Research by business school professor Cynthia Wang and her colleagues finds that an ability for perspective-taking correlates with reduced prejudice and stronger social bonds. This suggests that a man who engages in it might be more likely to see you as, well...rehabulous -- sober and fabulous -- a person who overcame her addiction issues instead of a bunch of addiction issues with a person attached.
Finally, because you've probably done serious soul-searching and character correction in getting and staying sober, a man who's a good match for you is probably one who's taken some hard looks at himself and worked to remodel where necessary. Ideally, he'll help you feel comfortable opening up to him by being open about his own current and former shortcomings. (Try not to laugh when he reveals deeply shameful lapses...like once stress-eating five cookies at a party.)
Love your blog, see much of myself in you views. The redhead thing is a definate plus.
David Mansfield at January 7, 2019 5:07 PM
LW, congrats on 5 years sober, whatever you do about dating, protect your sobriety. Keep doing what you're doing, a day at a time.
Dating with fellow members, IME, is not much different than dating the so-called "normies". There are risks and rewards both ways. You find flaky people, asshole people, crazy people, and once in a while a good person you want to spend more time with. It can be a long and frustrating process, no matter what. It really is a numbers game, the old saying about kissing a lot of frogs is very appropriate. Good luck, have patience and good humor, and try to "enjoy the journey." It is a wonderful learning experience, about others and yourself.
bkmale at January 8, 2019 7:18 AM
Realizing that she could've cracked her head open, she had an epiphany -- no, not to stop shooting coke but to strap on a bike helmet before doing it.
This is the sort of anecdote that draws huge laughs at large-group meetings. (I laughed when I read it.) Most of us know what that feels like and can look back with a sort of gallows humor at that kind of messed-up thinking. Normie family members who come along to those large-group meetings are always obvious; they're the ones looking shocked that everyone else is laughing. :)
Difference between a junkie and a drunk? A drunk will steal your wallet. A junkie will steal your wallet and then help you look for it.
Grey Ghost at January 8, 2019 8:42 AM
As a "normie" who was seriously involved with a recovering heroin addict, this is my perspective:
Is the main reason you're with him because you know he won't tempt you back into using? Is the main reason he's with you is so he can consider himself your salvation, believing that you will be forever in his debt? If so, you are both in the relationship for the wrong reasons.
My experience was that recovering addicts have a problem expressing what they are going through because many feel they can only talk about their issues with other people who have gone through a similar ordeal. There is no opportunity given to the "normie" to understand what is going on. As a result, any time there's a problem in the relationship, it's related to the addiction. If she wakes up crying in the middle of the night, it's related to the addiction and he won't understand, so she won't talk about it. If she throws a fit because he bought the wrong cat food, it's related to the addiction and he won't understand, so she won't talk about it, etc.
Part of the reasoning is that anytime she had problems before, she just had to have a fix and that (temporarily) solved everything. She doesn't feel like he can help her because there is no way he can understand.
But at five years sobriety, she's a lot less likely to relapse and probably doesn't need a "normie" boyfriend to ensure her sobriety.
Fayd at January 8, 2019 5:23 PM
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