Twisted Sisterhood
I'm a grown woman in the middle of a feud between two of my female friends. They're both complaining to me, and I'm just responding "uh-huh" to give them the hint that I don't want to be involved. Neither's catching on. How do I get out of the middle of this spat without either friend feeling like I'm being disloyal and without my blurting out, "This is ridiculous. Grow up, ladies!"
--Irritated
If only these two would do as a 60-year-old dude in the U.K. just did to dispute a ticket he got on his motorcycle -- invoked what The Telegraph called "the ancient right to trial by combat." Not surprisingly, local magistrates decided to stick him with a fine instead of accepting his proposal of a duel "to the death" with a motor vehicles clerk, using "samurai swords, Gurkha knives or heavy hammers."
Unfortunately, your female friends are unlikely to break out the Hello Kitty nunchucks to resolve their little squabble once and for all. It turns out there are some differences in how men and women generally deal with disagreements. Psychologist Joyce Benenson explains that women -- as the childbearers and primary childcarers of the species -- evolved to handle disputes in ways that minimize their risk of being physically harmed through retaliation. This has led to a female tendency toward covert aggression -- sneaky attacks that are often hard to identify as attacks, like sabotaging other women's status through gossip and social exclusion. Men, in contrast, tend to favor more straight-up forms of dispute resolution, from put-down fests to bar fights (with or without medieval weapons).
The thing is, an evolved tendency for a certain behavior (like indirectness) isn't a mandate that you behave accordingly. You can instead choose to be direct: Inform these two that you refuse to be the prize in this battle of theirs and thus refuse to hear another word about it from either of them. When they forget (aka see whether they can sneak in a rant to you about what a #$%& the other is), be straightforward in reminding them of your retirement as a giant ear. Being direct is sure to be uncomfortable the first few times, but as you increasingly make it a habit, you should find it far easier and certainly more effective than coming up with creative excuses every time the phone rings: "Sorry! Still haven't found my gavel. Talk soon!"
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
Step 1 - "You're gonna have to talk to HER about that." Repeat 3x.
Step 2 - Visibly do something else while saying, "You're gonna have to talk to HER about that." (Noodle on phone, balance checkbook, brush dog's teeth, whatever). If this is over the phone, put them on speaker and do something noisy like hand washing dishes. Repeat 3x.
Step 3 - "I have nothing to add to that. Can we change the subject to something nice like..." chicken pedicures, walrus opera, recipes for ice cubes, etc.
Step 4 - Interrupt them mid-screed and say, "I guess we can't change the subject, then. Whelp, gotta go. Lemme know how it works out."
This conditions them to associate b!tching to you with feelings of dissatisfaction. You're trying to extinguish this behavior. Instead of 3x, you might have to cut to 2x or even 1x (I don't know your friends.)
Even lab rats will learn if you smack them in the head often enough. (Don't REALLY smack lab rats, though...they're nice animals)
If either one gives you grief about your refusal to engage, "Sorry, but this is YOUR feud to fix or live with...I can't do that for you."
This, of course, assumes the feud isn't about something unequivocal and universally reprehensible, like seducing someone else's spouse, offering drugs to minors, or roofie-ing someone. In that case, take sides, by all means.
Taylor at June 15, 2019 3:04 AM
Do learn the Polish phrase "Nie mój cyrk, nie moje małpy" . . . literally, "not my circus, not my monkey" and figuratively, "not my problem."
Explain it once. Use it when necessary. I am 82 and find the older I get, the more I use this phrase.
I have learned that one of the worst places in the world is the area (physical or emotional) between two Drama Queens. At my age, it is getting harder and harder to duck.
Grandma Elizabeth at June 15, 2019 3:49 PM
If either one gives you grief about your refusal to engage, "Sorry, but this is YOUR feud to fix or live with...I can't do that for you."
Speaking as a dude, when a woman comes to vent, she isn't looking for you to fix things. You're supposed to listen like you care, make noises like you care, nod your head like you care. Even if you don't actually care. Tho in this case, they maybe trying to poison the well against their rival in addition to bending your ear.
"Not my circus, not my monkey" is good (makes note to use this in the future). Less polite would be to say "go complain to someone who cares".
As Amy notes, they're not going to hash this out between themselves. I suppose you could get them to sit down with you at the same time and tell them to stop behaving like children before you take them out behind the woodshed.
At which, they'll probably drop their war with each other to wage war on you. *shrugs*
I R A Darth Aggie at June 17, 2019 1:02 PM
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