Hep To Reality
ìSometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each
other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.î
--Katherine Hepburn
Hep To Reality
ìSometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each
other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.î
--Katherine Hepburn
Due to the topic, and overwhelming popular demand,
I humbly submit my seminal work on relationships.
Relationships: The Fifth Paw
Come on SING with me...All you need is Love Da...Da Da Da
Da, All you need is Love Da...Da Da Da Da(keep going, donít
be sheepish, you know song). Or, turn on anything that has
pixels, every show in TV land is extolling the virtues,
beauty and the downright loveliness of love. Love is just so
lovely. Watch any of the myriad of moronic sitcoms, what is
the one constant other than the trading of inane juvenile
put downs, itís love. This is the elixir, the legerdemain,
the kismet that every character on TV is scurrying after. Go
to the movies, watch that Pretty Woman charm Richard Gere.
Wowwee that love be magic.(By the way, if you care to see
the reality of prostitution, see the movie Leaving Las
Vegas), but who wants that nettlesome reality! Read a book,
listen to any one of a dozen of this weekís music
stars,(something known as a Spears and friends) and hear
their ìgoldenî voices crooning about, you guessed it Love.
We are awash, adrift in the swirling clouds of unbridled
love cascading over us making us happy, cappy and oh so
lovely. Canít you feel the love tonight? I love you, you
love me, weíre a happy family. Oh sing with big purple
Barney, you know you want too.
I offer the following from writer Quentin Crisp. ìThe
message that ìloveî will solve all of our problems is
repeated incessantly in contemporary culture-like a
philosophical tom tom. It would be closer to the truth to
say that love is a contagious and virulent disease which
leaves the victim in a state of near imbecility, paralysis,
profound melancholia, and sometimes culminates in death.î
ìLoveî is pushed en masse in our society because it produces
a high not unlike that of any other kind of drug. Sit-coms
as drug pushers? Heavens to Betsy! We is....stoned
immaculate! Our neurochemical balances are altered with the
loveliness of ìLoveî. Since we already are a nation of drug
users, (100 million drink, 50 million smoke, tens of
millions use Marijuana, other drugs, legal drugs etc. ) it
fits right in with our existing regimen of self-medication.
Or as Fran Lebowitz observed, ìRomantic love is mental
illness. But itís a pleasurable one. Itís a drug. It
distorts reality, and thatís the point of it. It would be
impossible to fall in love with someone that you really
sawî.
What revved my curiosity regarding this subject was a Gallup
poll that stated 94% of women believed in and wanted to find
their ìsoulmateî. I juxtaposed this with a meeting I had
many years ago with a group of about 30 men. One by one all
thirty began sharing their ìfeelingsî. Naturally their
thoughts turned to women, and then and there I heard the
most hate-filled, vicious, bestial assault on women I had
ever heard. Goddamn bitch this, freakin whore that. I stood
up and tried to protest(oh, really I did) saying things
like, ìwhat is it with you guys, sex sex sex, I like women
for their finer qualities!î They asked me what those were, I
sat down. I remember leaving that meeting thankful I didnít
have a sister as any of these guys had enough seething fury
to blend her up slowly in a sausage grinder.
Who were they? The dregs of society, convicts, murders,
rapists, child-molesters, politicians? Possibly, but to my
knowledge they were a group of professionals(doctors,
lawyers, professors and the like).
50 years of relationship gurus, ìdoctorsî and other assorted
entities offering their various fixes for relationships.
Endless books, TV shows, radio programs awash with
ìprofessionalsî offering advice on how to get along. After
50 years has there been remedy? Or has the state of
relationships continued to take its slow-motion plunge over
the embankment unabated?
In 1887 Nietzscheís madman stepped forward to say that God
was dead. (Not really dead, but just an illusion we had been
laboring under to begin with, the illusion dead). Havenít
what we refer to as ìrelationshipsî gone the way of
Nietzscheís God?
To state the obvious, yes, certainly yes, inescapably yes.
For many have spent large portions of their lives rummaging
frantically, frenetically for this mysterious love without
realizing that their quest, alas, is something akin to
finding five paws on a dog.
But why should this be so? Because, of course, the two
principal players in this sweaty drama, boys and girls, are
programmed genetically to be on two diametrically opposed
garden paths. Boys are programmed to bone everything that
moves (and sometimes even movement can be overlooked in a
real pinch) and women are both programmed(nature) and
indoctrinated (nurture) to be looking for their
ìsoulmateî.(And as many women come to find, men are neither
mates, nor have souls).
The term soulmate is simply something we have concocted for
ourselves, to give us solace and provide that ever important
commodity that all human beings are scouring for in one form
or another, hope. But I say unto thee, gentle brethren, it
is an illusion like so many other superstitions and canards
that we have invented for ourselves.
Ah, but let the alchemy begin. Weíre going to take Joey
Schlongthruster and turn him into a life long soulmate. Only
problem is, in Joeyís big nogginí, all women are the same,
he canít see any difference. This ìrelationshipî is
absolutely against his hardwired nature. He feels about
relationships as cats feel about water. In fact, this is one
of reasons for the unbridled hatred of all 30 of the men
alluded to earlier. As has been articulated by other authors
before me, women never seem to have a clue as to just how
pervasive and searing mensí hatred of women really is.
So what is the current state of affairs? I saw this slogan
on a tee-shirt a while back, ìWomen Fake Orgasms and Men
Fake Relationshipsî. Obviously meant as a bit of raillery
but close to the truth. Joey Schlongthruster does what
virtually all men do (not your man of course). He plays the
game, says what you want to hear, listens to all of your
terribly fascinating issues and then gets the goodies,
thatís it. A woman has a better chance of developing a
ìsoulmate relationshipî with one of the red bricks in her
driveway.(Ever notice just how many of those bricks ARE
missing from driveways all around town?)
And boys and girls are continuing to drift further and
further apart, like astronauts whose tethers broke and are
now slowly drifting further and further away from each other
in cold dark space, hands and legs flailing wildly. Men with
piping hot porno delivered to their doors via the airwaves,
and women with their relationship, dating, talk show
relationship shows, fall deeper and deeper into the abyss of
relationship land. Women with electronic lovers in hand
waiting for Godot and boys watching girls take it in and on
the face, and then high-fiveing each other over the
ìvictimsî humiliation. ìSoulmatesî.
Solutions? First realize that the traditional concepts of
marriage, nuclear family, long term relationships and what
has now devoled into soulmates are ideals that are seldom
realized(realized successfully at least, millions of people
play the game, donít ya know.)
Briefly, what has happened to us as a species is the
following. We have invented all sorts of illusions and
ideals for ourselves that have nothing to do with natural
law, or at least, in this case, or our own human natures. In
endeavoring to invent us as something different and apart
from nature we have succeeding only in crippling ourselves,
slaves to endless fantasies as to what is right and wrong,
what should and shouldnít be. Monogamy, family, nuclear at
that, are a combination of religious and political notions
that both serve and enable the power structure(religions,
governments, corporations). And where does psychology weigh
in on all this? Where they always do, as the lap dogs and
benefactors of the views and interests of the power
structure. Marriage, or even long term relationships have
never been inherent or natural to man.(this is why they are
pushed so hard in our society). Mammals, all that man really
is when you strip away all of the nonsense, are not by
nature monogamous, faithful, or soulmates in any sense of
the word. Various articles Iíve read state that anywhere
from 95, at the lowest, to 100% of mammals(animals that
secret milk from mammary glands) are not monogamous.
My modest proposal? Realize that we are animals born and
bred of this earth and nothing more. Our natures were
defined by biology and evolution millions of years ago. The
only real differences in us from that of other animals is
that we have somewhat larger brain capacities and have
developed language. Our destiny is in our biology, not our
fictions and superstitions.
One caveat here. Love is real, but of course, fleeting.
Romantic love is destined to die. But other forms of less
lethal love certainly do exist. Love of family, friends etc.
Rather than trying to find these Bigfoot-like soulmates, how
about this: find a half a dozen people to fill the various
needs in your life without trying to tie them all together
in one person.(And besides, Iím not available) As it exists
now, we try to find that one person that will be a good
husband, father, lover, money maker, bowler, movie buff,
ballet companion etc. But these divergent qualities probably
donít exist in one single person. So find six different
people to fill the bill. With one you go to the ballet, with
another you have sex, etc. A circle or group of friends and
companions in which you can find and fulfill all of your
needs at different times, in different ways.
Apparently unbeknownst to many of us, we are in fact the
architects of our own miseries. This arises in the various
expectations that we set up for ourselves that we are seldom
able to attain. Chasing this mythical soulmate is one of the
best ways to add dollops of dolor to your dole. Finding
different people with only one aspect in common is far
easier and sets up far fewer tree-branch hanging
expectations.
ìLoveî has become a marketable product that the mass media
peddles like Corn Flakes. My objection is that, in reality,
this further serves to weaken and maim people. People feel
that they must have this relationship to be whole, to be
complete, to be satisfied, to be happy, to be living up to
their supposed potential. Nonsense!
My experiences are as follows. In my lifetime I have both
had relationships and not had them(at least of a romantic,
soulmate nature). I have felt little if any difference in my
life one way or the other (Of course I have a personality
somewhere between a Russian General and a mob hitman), but
my life has gone swimmingly either way. If my life were
described as a cake, the ìrelationshipî would maybe be a
little extra icing on the cake.
But how many millions(tens of millions?) of people go around
with these cavernous craters in their hearts because they
donít have someone, that soulmate? What happens when you
market love in this way is the same thing that occurs in
other aspects of our lives. The religions do it. You are
weak, small, sinning and in need of salvation. Psychology
does it. You are troubled and in need of ìourî therapy to
get well and reach your mythical ìpotential.î Our Society at
large does it. You are nobody, nothing, squished road kill
until you make the grade financially! All of these
institutions and more are industriously instilling in you a
lifelong sense of weakness, want and inadequacy. And, ìyou
must be in love with your soulmate,î does the exact same
thing. It serves to weaken and de-empower people throughout
their lives.(But then once youíve created the need, the
inferiority complex, the want, then you can step up and
pitch whatever you happen to be selling, God, materialism,
living up to your potential or finding your soulmate, itís
all the same, just different products).
In your lifetime you will gaze numbly at millions of
television commercials. Every single one of them, whether
overtly or tacitly, is selling you on the idea that you lack
something, are missing something and by buying their product
you can overcome these depressing feelings. Itís the same
with this love and soulmate business. In a lifetime you are
inundated with endless mass media messages of the wonderment
of love and soulmates. Itís good for business. It sells
millions of screeching records of ìloveî, sit-coms, movies,
books, you name it. And it keeps you always, always chasing.
The big secret in all of this? Youíre fine just the way you
are, all this lack you feel throughout the many aspects of
your life is simply the product of the illimitable
indoctrination youíve been receiving since birth. We are the
architects of our own miseries, but we can also be our own
saviors.(no supernatural ones are needed).
Soulmates, long term relationships and marriages have always
been the ideals, but not the reality.(again, successful
ones). Or as Lenny Bruce said, ìThe ìwhat should beî never
did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is
no ìwhat should be,î there is only what is.î Anytime you
have a species going against its own genetically generated
impulses you will have nothing but endless discord,
suffering in silence, play acting and faking it. Or better
yet, try interesting your cat in water, or find that fifth
paw on your doggie. Canít you feel the love tonight?
Dear Abby at February 24, 2004 8:24 AM
Chris,
You're not available? But based on your posts, you seem like such a cuddly,laid-back, fun-loving kind of guy. Too bad for us!
Peggy C at February 24, 2004 3:47 PM
Peggy -- He also has a juicy bubble butt. Too bad for us, indeed!
Lena at February 24, 2004 4:18 PM
Kate has it right on the mark. I can't live with anyone else. I like my own space. I like knowing that if I find something in my home, it's because I put it there, not wondering if it was me or someone else. I like having a space to function in, and not having to share space with anyone else.
Patrick at February 25, 2004 8:33 AM
Reminds my of another Lenny Bruce-ism:
My mother in law broke up my marriage. One day my wife came home and found us in bed together.
eric at February 25, 2004 10:10 AM
Eric
Another of Bruce's that I like
"In the halls of justice, the only justice is out in the halls."
Not only funny, but I personally believe it and practice it where and when necessary.
Malcolm "by any means necessary" X at February 25, 2004 5:15 PM