What's Worse Than Being Obsessed With Sex?
Being obsessed with not having sex. Randall Patterson writes for New York Times Magazine about Janey Fredell, a Harvard girl with her legs crossed so tight, it's a wonder she doesn't pop veins:
"It's an odd thing to see one's lifestyle essentially attacked in The Crimson," Fredell said. She began to feel a need to stand up for her beliefs, and what she believed in more than anything at Harvard was the value of not having premarital sex. In an essay she wrote for The Crimson, she asserted that "virginity is extremely alluring," though its "mysterious allure . . . is not rooted in an image of innocence and purity, but rather in the notion of strength." As she told me later, "It takes a strong woman to be abstinent, and that's the sort of woman I want to be."After the essay appeared a year ago, Fredell was immediately aware of a loss of privacy, of having entered "whatever it is, the public sphere." As students began responding on The Crimson Web site, she understood that she had defined herself at Harvard. "Everything became very clear to me," she recalled when we met. She would join True Love Revolution. "I realized it was bigger than me, more important."
Everybody needs a hobby. Maybe she sucks at field hockey.
True Love Revolution was denounced, however, after its first big outreach effort, on Valentine's Day 2007. Members had sent out cards to the women of the freshmen class that read: "Why wait? Because you're worth it." Some interpreted the card to mean that those who didn't wait until marriage to have sex would somehow be worth less. One writer for The Crimson concluded that "by targeting women with their cards and didactic message, they perpetuate an age-old values system in which the worth of a young woman is measured by her virginity."...The True Love Revolution Web site warns that bonding hormones are released during any "sexual activity that culminates in an orgasm." Fredell's own relationships include a "physical component," but she said it's difficult to give "a set list of what's O.K. and what's not because there isn't any." She once told another reporter that oral sex, while "disgusting and disrespectful," is not sex, but she now expresses clear approval only of kissing and hugging.
Luckily for her, marriage is typically a cure for blow jobs.
Her girlfriends are surprised that she can maintain a relationship without having sex, she said, but her boyfriend, at Georgetown, "knew from the get-go what he was getting into." Fredell does not make sexual demands of him nor does he make demands of her. "So I'm free!" she said. "I'm free to experience the emotional and intellectual and spiritual intimacy of another person." By closing herself off to sex, she claims to have found the humanity in her boyfriend and to have opened herself to an experience of love. "I'll share this with you," Fredell confided. "He said conversations with me were more enjoyable than sex would be with anyone else." Every woman, she said, should have this "incredibly moving experience" of being appreciated for who she really is.There's a chance that Fredell and her boyfriend will marry, but of course, she says, "it's not for certain." If they don't, and she never finds true love, she says she believes she could spend her life alone. Fredell saw too many women compromise themselves in order to have a relationship. And she also saw those women when their men walked away. The Web site warned what happens then to the sexually active; that oxytocin, in such cases, can cause "a palpable sense of loss, betrayed trust and unwelcome memories. This is information that you will rarely hear from sexual-health groups," because, the Web site says, "there is no condom for the heart."
Oh, hurl. Personally, I find surviving heartbreak (the love kind and beyond), rather than living in fear, makes you stronger. This girl, in addition to seeming desperate for an identity, seems desperate to have that guaranteed fairy-tale life complete with happily ever after that somebody read her about as a little girl. Unfortunately, out here in the real world, keeping your legs crossed is no guarantee of lifelong bliss. But, it probably makes a lot of people feel better to believe they only need do something concrete -- deny themselves sex in this case, and everything will work out just magically.
Finally, from all my years giving advice, I'll tell you something this article doesn't: People who shout the loudest and proudest about the virtues of abstinence are sometimes covering for their lack of desire or disgust for sex. Is it really wise to pledge to spend the rest of your life with somebody without finding out first whether you're sexually compatible?