Overgifting: Here Comes The Bribe; There Goes The Friendship
That is, if you even had a friendship.
Giving can end up feeling yicky if you go overboard -- that is, uncomfortable for the person you're over-giving to, and it can even mess up your relationship with them. From Lifehacker, Karyn Polewaczyk writes:
Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of the international best-seller Eat Pray Love, has written about her own tendency to be not just generous but overly generous. She calls the phenomenon being an "over-giver." In other words, she's inclined to give everything she's capable of giving, regardless of what the recipients feel comfortable receiving. In fact, after her book rendered her very wealthy, Gilbert writes: "I was a dream facilitator, an obstacle-banisher, a life-transformer."Psychotherapist and executive coach Jonathan Alpert says that over-givers and people pleasers go hand in hand. "Over-givers use gifts as a way to gain and keep friends, because they think they need to be overly generous to be liked," he says. It becomes problematic, he continues, when the giver is constantly putting others ahead of his or herself, like the woman profiled in his book who skipped a family funeral to work, for fear of letting down her boss. "People pleasers are afraid of disappointing others, to the point where they neglect their own needs."
Overgifters get spotted by narcissists and psychopaths and other users and get played until -- usually much later -- they finally figure it out.
There's some good advice at Lifehacker:
It comes down to examining your motives: Why are you giving so much? What do you hope to gain? Or, Alpert puts it another way: Are you giving to preserve your friendships? If so, you might want to re-evaluate. Odds are, the people in your life will love you just as much without the lavish gifts.Then again, maybe you have a dynamic with a certain friend who tends to goad you into picking up the check: "If someone's taking too much, stop," says Ryan Morgan, a loan officer with Mortgage Corp East. "It's not their fault--it's yours for giving."
As I write in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," you need to figure out what your boundaries are -- or should be -- and start applying them. And no, being afraid to do that isn't reason enough to avoid it. You'll find that you feel better and people respect you more (and you're thus more likely to have real friends instead of users in friend suits) when you aren't playing the part of no-payback loan officer or choreslave.
And yes, this tweet made me feel super-good:
This is a feature of both "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck" and "I See Rude People" -- and something I had to work on myself, in my early 20s.
"I was a dream facilitator, an obstacle-banisher, a life-transformer."
But she probably wasn't. Obstacles are less a tangible limitation than a state of mind. Anyone who sees an insurmountable obstacle that prevents them from achieving their dreams will quickly find another one as soon as some well-meaning person banishes the first one.
Patrick at July 30, 2014 3:56 PM
Being an over-giver can sneak up on us. A while back, I caught myself doing way too much leading and initiating in a (non-romantic) relationship with a female friend.
So I deliberately took two steps back. At first I was uncomfortable doing that. But it helped that I expected the adjustment to feel a bit odd, and now I've settled in. The relationship comes to mind less often, and I communicate less. I think that's good for both of us. I know I'm conserving mental and physical energy. I'm also recognizing her adult agency; she's free to get in touch if & when she wants to.
Lastango at July 30, 2014 6:08 PM
People pleasers are not loyal hence why people don't like them.
Narcissists make excellent therapists for those with Borderline Personality Disorder.
Ppen at July 30, 2014 8:19 PM
What about the dynamic in romantic relationships, where a giver is initially with a giver but the exchange slowly becomes grotesquely imbalanced?
And whose idea was it to make un-poppable bubble wrap?
Misanthropaedia at July 30, 2014 11:29 PM
The only problem with buying friends is that they don't stay bought.
I R A Darth Aggie at July 31, 2014 7:02 AM
Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of the international best-seller Eat Pray Love, has written about her own tendency to be not just generous but overly generous.
Her more salient tendencies would be toward expressive divorce and short-circuiting the immigration system through green-card marriages.
Art Deco at July 31, 2014 7:36 AM
the international best-seller Eat Pray Love
Inst that the book where a woman left her husband to find herself, shacked up with a coupe of guys, decided she was losing her self in the men she boinked so she went on a journey of self discovery to find herself and happiness and just wound up shacking up with a slightly richer guy than the one she left
lujlp at July 31, 2014 11:18 AM
shacking up with a slightly richer guy than the one she left
He was older, bald, her height if not slightly shorter, and needed a green card. She got her come-uppance if she fancied she could trade-up.
A comically repellant woman, but at least she wasn't a real scoundrel - you know, doing things like working for the TSA or critiquing hats and blouses.
Art Deco at July 31, 2014 12:34 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/07/30/overgifting.html#comment-4896335">comment from Art Decocritiquing hats and blouses.
You seem to take pride in acting like a pig. In fact, no sooner do I forget how you went out of your way to tell me I looked unattractive in a hat than you remind me of it.
Clearly, your ego is such that it is very meaningful to you to brag that you have made unkind statements when you could have just kept them to yourself.
And again, you pronounced as tasteful the outfit of a shockingly matronly woman. Clearly, your taste runs to the grandma-like and desexualized. I don't happen to like some styles on other women but I sure don't go around dropping little comments turds on blog posts of their outfits. That would be piggish and unnecessarily unkind. That's your territory. I'll let you keep it, asshole.
Amy Alkon at July 31, 2014 1:09 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/07/30/overgifting.html#comment-4896357">comment from Amy AlkonAnd yes, it's correct to equate "security" screeners at airports, who earn a living violating the bodies, dignity, and rights of other Americans, with concentration camp workers.
http://www.ocregister.com/articles/tsa-335352-agent-rights.html
Amy Alkon at July 31, 2014 1:20 PM
Art Deco, we all act in uncouth ways at times. Most people tend to move on from their mistakes and prefer no one bring this incidents up again. And polite people comply. That whole forgiveness thing.
Then there's you, who seems to enjoy acting like a boor, then twisting the knife later. I mean, good grief, Art Deco. I thought I was insufferable. If you can't concede that you acted badly, then the very least you could do is avoid making digs at thanks when you know it's going to aggravate her. I mean, she only owns this blog, you know. And maintains it at her own expense to entertain dinks like you.
Amy is usually very good about entertaining opinions that don't coincide with hers. It's not like she's censoring you. I see no reason to insult her personally.
And while you're entitled to your own taste in what women wear, I thought the woman in the picture you posted was wearing the safest outfit I've ever seen. I would have thought a person who called themselves "Art Deco" might have tastes that were at least slightly avant-garde. She looked like she was taking Juliet Mills' role in a remake of "Nanny and the Professor."
Imagine if this were a real life setting. Amy is having a party in her home at her expense, and we're all her invited guests. You'd be the guest who got drunk and insulted Amy's dress to her face. Then for good measure, railed about how bad the food was. Are you really that much of a real-life clod?
(I'd probably be the guest who hid in the library and started reading something, hoping no one finds me. But Amy dates Greg, so she's quite used to dealing with people like me.)
Patrick at August 1, 2014 9:23 AM
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