The Idiotic Things People Say To People With Cancer
From "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," from the chapter, "Friends With Serious Illnesses -- What to do when a friend is really, really sick and could maybe even die:
More from that part of the chapter:
Others root around for something comforting in the spiritual-sayings bin: "You know, they say everything happens for a reason." Great. Their cancer-stricken friend can't help but think, "What, God looked at me and thought, 'You suck, so I'm going to rub you out'?"Of course, some people are just assholes no matter what the situation. Cancer survivor Rosanne Kalick blogged about a colon cancer patient who had a casual acquaintance ask him about his colostomy bags, "Paper or plastic?"
So, what should you say when a friend tells you they have cancer or some other horrible disease?
"I know you can do this," meaning, "I know you, and I know that whatever comes, you will deal with it." Don't say "you'll be fine," since you don't know that they will be.
--Cancer patient Jeanne Sather, assertivecancerpatient.com"I'm so sorry this is happening. It could happen to any of us. Life is so unfair sometimes." This helps remove the blame or shame that people with cancer sometimes feel.
--Cancer survivor Lori Hope, author of Help Me Live: 20 Things People with Cancer Want You to Know"You're very strong. I can't believe cancer would be dumb enough to try to go after you."
--What I wish I'd said to my late friend Cathy Seipp.
A friend (who is beginning treatment for Hodgkin's Lymphoma) just posted this on Facebook:
"The next person to tell me I have 'the good cancer' is getting punched in the throat."
Also, my coworker just underwent chemo for breast cancer. A friend said to her, "Well yeah I'm sure chemo sucks, but then you can go home, put on netflix and chill, right?"
My coworker is a single mom. She can't even do that on a NORMAL day.
sofar at July 31, 2014 1:21 PM
A lotta lotta people in this country get cancer. Most of it is non mestastic, and most people survive it.
Why all the sudden are cancer patients the only ones that have to be treated with kid gloves?
Why, if anyone we know, has a life threatening illness, can't we be compassionate, without turning it into some kind of pc triggering device, where we all walk on egg shells when we are around the afflicted?
Folks, life is terminal, for all of us. Get used to it, and don't badger anyone about their imminent or not so imminent demise.
It should not be a topic of conversation unless they are literally on their death bed, and they are issuing final requests. And they should bring it up first.
Isab at July 31, 2014 1:57 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/07/31/the_idiotic_thi.html#comment-4896452">comment from sofarHere's one from my late friend Cathy Seipp:
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/402368547931594794/
Amy Alkon at July 31, 2014 1:57 PM
Why all the sudden are cancer patients the only ones that have to be treated with kid gloves?
Someone gets a devastating disease, whatever the disease, and I think, yes, we should be a little compassionate and think before we just haul off and say anything to them.
It comes naturally to many people to say the wrong thing, and many people don't know what to say or do, which is why I wrote this chapter. The main thing is just show the hell up.
Amy Alkon at July 31, 2014 2:49 PM
It comes naturally to many people to say the wrong thing, and many people don't know what to say or do, which is why I wrote this chapter. The main thing is just show the hell up.
Posted by: Amy Alkon at July 31, 2014 2:49 PM
If they want you there. Ask first.
My father in law died of secondary sarcomas from radiation therapy. He was extremely tired towards the end and did not want visitors.
We honored his request. My sister in law did not, and was there for two days badgering him. It was tough on everyone, especially him.
Isab at July 31, 2014 3:48 PM
Well, yes, of course, if they want you there. I can't rewrite the entire chapter in blog comments, unfortunately.
A friend of mine had a heart attack recently -- a relatively young friend. She only wanted her best friend there. Nobody shoved their way into the hospital despite that. KateC and I sent cards; others, I'm sure, sent flowers.
Amy Alkon at July 31, 2014 4:39 PM
If somebody is shoving their way in in a way that's disturbing to the ill person, somebody needs to run interference for him or her.
Amy Alkon at July 31, 2014 4:41 PM
I don't see why anyone has to say anything other than "oh, I'm so sorry to hear that."
Miss Manners has said, over and over, that there is no need for originality in times like that. If you're not the one with cancer, it's not about you anyway. Besides, even if there WERE a need for originality, too many people don't have the imagination for it - especially when caught off guard.
I do think, though, that one should think twice before asking "is there anything I can do" since that puts the burden on the patient - or, in the event of a death, the grieving survivor. Just find something obvious and useful and then DO it - though on some occasions, it's better to ask permission first.
lenona at July 31, 2014 5:08 PM
Helpful construct below. I violated it once earlier this summer and had to apologize.
"How not to say the wrong thing" (Susan Silk and Barry Goldman)
"Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. ... Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. ... Repeat the process as many times as you need to. ... When you are done you have a Kvetching Order. ...
Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. ... That's the one payoff for being in the center ring.
Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.
When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you're going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn't, don't say it.
If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that's fine. ... Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.
Comfort IN, dump OUT."
Michelle at July 31, 2014 6:37 PM
From my experiance the difficulty is that each individual wants something different -- often times not what you would expect. My SIL's father everyone expected to be out socializing as much as ever...Nope, refused to leave the house or have visitors, he told my SIL it was just too hard to hear all the great things he would be gone for.
A friend who has since died of cancer said about the exact phrase Amy used ("I wish I was that thin.") was hysterical at sometimes and horrible at others.
The one thing that has been consistent through all of them is that each one has talked a fair amount about what has afflicted them and death. But it is best to let them bring it up. My grandfather talked all the time about his cancer and what he had read -- I bet at the time I knew more of what was written on that specific form than any doctor -- but I didn't know if was from JAMA or Wivestales weekly.
The Former Banker at July 31, 2014 7:03 PM
The proper response is "I'm sorry this happened to you. If you need anything, feel free to contact me if I can help." Then shut your mouth.
Jim P. at July 31, 2014 8:30 PM
My grandfather was the son of an influential religious (but secretive) leader. I remember when he was dying of cancer he regretted abandoning the faith.
I told him I had little ticks he left me from when I lived with him (like not celebrating Christian holidays) and that seemed to satisfy him.
Ppen at July 31, 2014 9:52 PM
When my mom was in the hospital, recovering from exhaustion from taking care of my dad, I went to see her and one of her nurses came in. We were just chatting when she told us her husband had passed away the previous year, and she was still so sad, because she had all these great things planned for them to do when he retired, and now she couldn't do them with him. I was so stunned, I just said, "I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel." And she stopped what she was doing, looked at me, actually started crying, and said "Thank you! No you can't imagine how I feel, and thank you for saying that!" Then she hugged me. I don't often say the right thing, but I guess that time I did.
Flynne at August 1, 2014 5:23 AM
Michelle, I like your Kvetching Order. The only question I have is what about those who are in your ring? I know you said "comfort in, dump out" but it is okay to do a "lateral dump" or a "lateral comfort"?
I'd be inclined to say yes, since that's essentially how support groups work.
Patrick at August 1, 2014 8:47 AM
"I know you'll deal with it"? Terrible. Give the person room to sometimes not be able to deal with it. Don't make someone who is already dealing with so much have to deal with your ideas of who they are and how they should handle illness.
"I can't believe cancer would be dumb enough to try to go after you." Yeah, well, it did, right? So now what? How is that at all helpful?
"I'm so sorry this is happening. It could happen to any of us. Life is so unfair sometimes." The only one who gets it right.
JD at August 1, 2014 9:56 AM
Patrick, great question and right-on answer.
Michelle at August 1, 2014 10:33 AM
My mother has cancer right now. If one more person tells me to be positive, because they "know she will be fine" they will get a punch in the throat. People seem to have this idea that if you are in any way, realistic of the possibilities, you are in fact, causing the worst to happen. If you "think positive" than this will all go away, or so I'm told.
Stormy at August 3, 2014 8:52 AM
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