The Sound Of One Anus Clapping
This post is not meant to offend people with two or three anuses or people who came into the world anus-free.
No, this post is meant to mock today's college students, many of whom have turned being pathetic into a fierce intercollegiate competition.
The clear winner, however, is this Colby College person -- the one who filed a response with the campus Stasi known as the Bias Incident Prevention and Response Team after hearing someone say something extremely offensive.
The remark: "On the other hand..."
This, of course -- how could you not know this? -- is offensive to people who lack hands.
From Robby Soave at Reason:
The BIPR Team's files note that these words were flagged for targeting people on the basis of "ability." I must therefore presume that the person offended by the phrase "on the other hand," possessed only one hand, or thought that a one-handed person might feel triggered by such a proclamation of dual-handedness.
Free speech rights?
I get it -- the First Amendment is mean.
Tough shit.
I never met a person yet with fewer than two hands who didn't know that their condition was an aberration. Everyone who's ever lived to the venerable age of several months old knows that hands and arms typically come in pairs.
This isn't to say it makes them less of a person, only that the fact that they have fewer than two hands is their condition or one of their conditions that puts them outside the norm.
And the ones I know, I'm sure, are capable of handling an idiomatic expression that recognizes that the norm is two hands.
By the way, I thought we weren't supposed to be offended on behalf of others. Isn't that rather patronizing?
Franchesca Ramsey, horse's ass extraordinaire, once did a video for MTV's unplugged (a television channel that used to show videos, way back when) got all sobby during a skit in which she explained to her white friend who went off on a tirade on someone who committed some microaggression against the black Franchesca Ramsey that it was offensive to get offended on someone else's behalf.
So, if the single-handed or no-handed person is offended by "on the other hand," it's their job to speak up. Not yours to speak up for them.
Patrick at June 23, 2016 2:26 AM
As I stopped for gas and coffee this morning, I started to say Hello to the counter-person. I stopped myself just in time; what if Hello means something like "your father was a hampster and your mother smelt of elderberries"? I certainly didn't want to offend he/she/it.
mer at June 23, 2016 3:35 AM
The victim of the bogus complaint is lucky that they didn't continue with "On the gripping hand..."
the other rob at June 23, 2016 5:18 AM
I can't blame the students for this. I agree the guy who reported this is a flaming asshole. But seriously, there are roughly 20 million college students in the US right now. Are you shocked that one or more of them are assholes? For me the blame lies on the supposed adults who put together a Bias Incident Prevention and Response Team. Same with the students as customers meme. That is a rationalization if I ever heard one. Only some of the students get treated with kid gloves. Plenty of them get railroaded like Mr Handsy here.
Ben at June 23, 2016 6:44 AM
Tough shit.
Patrick at June 23, 2016 2:26 AM
I would like to report Patrick to the advicegoddess bias bureau for mandatory thought correction. I was born with only 1/8th of a bowel. Every shit has literally been a "tough shit" in my life. Patrick's thoughtless words have microaggressed me and every bowel deficient person who reads this blog.
Shtetl G at June 23, 2016 6:59 AM
I see that Patrick did not take a look at the incident logs:
https://www.colby.edu/administration_cs/student-affairs/log.cfm
A taste:
I'd mock them, but I suspect they'd simply report that as cis white male privilege.
I R A Darth Aggie at June 23, 2016 7:05 AM
I'm reminded of the advice on how to most efficiently get a bad law, rule or regulation changed.
Enforce it with great zeal and against all parties. Sooner or later it will bite someone in a position to do something concrete about it.
Or, use the refusnik's methods when they were in the gulags: make the bureaucracy live according to their rules, and flood them with complaints. Big, small, doesn't matter, the complaint will have to be recorded, investigated, and a final report made, and all of that will have to be preserved. And that will consume time and resources.
I R A Darth Aggie at June 23, 2016 7:12 AM
It is now seen as normal to HAVE a bias response team and to report "incidents" like this one.
It isn't just one asshole. Many students view free speech as wrong.
Amy Alkon at June 23, 2016 7:36 AM
You know, if you rearranged the words, you could change it from BIPR to "Bias Incident Response and Prevention," or BIRP. That would be a much more appropriate acronym for a group created to coddle today's modern collegiate babies.
MWR at June 23, 2016 7:51 AM
The statement only supposes that there are more than one hand...it makes no claim to who the hands belong to. The saying might originate from something like the a police line up or a review of hand models. :)
The Former Banker at June 23, 2016 7:51 AM
Wow. Are these kids in for a shock when they leave school.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at June 23, 2016 8:45 AM
I strongly suspect that the Colby student was using reductio ad absurdum to mock the Thought Police.
Rex Little at June 23, 2016 8:48 AM
"Many students view free speech as wrong."
Well, they view anybody's free speech other than their own as wrong. Other people having rights is an abridgement of my rights! Cluster B behavior rendered as politics.
Cousin Dave at June 23, 2016 10:10 AM
As Rex Little said, surely the complaint was made in jest.
DrPinWV at June 23, 2016 11:28 AM
I agree it isn't just one asshole. A huge percentage of the human species is comprised of assholes. And that is the way it has been for tens of thousands of years. In other news water is wet. On another pseudopod, we haven't had BIPRs for most of that time. Get rid of the thought police and there will be nowhere for the assholes to report people.
Ben at June 23, 2016 12:50 PM
"Or, use the refusnik's methods when they were in the gulags: make the bureaucracy live according to their rules, and flood them with complaints. Big, small, doesn't matter, the complaint will have to be recorded, investigated, and a final report made, and all of that will have to be preserved. And that will consume time and resources."
Look up 8 USC 1324a, and see what luck you have with that.
Radwaste at June 23, 2016 1:23 PM
Every university should have an Office of Academic Freedom, staffed with a full time Academic Freedom Officer (with support staff), with an active Academic Freedom Restriction Response Team. All faculty and students are mandated reporters of any incidents of threats to academic freedom that they witness, and must report such incidents, including second/third/four hand incidents that they overhear discussed by others. Failure to report will result in sanctions, up to and including expulsion for students and termination for faculty or staff. All incidents of reports of possible limitations of academic freedom will be immediately and thoroughly investigated. The standard of "preponderance of evidence" (rather than "clear and convincing evidence") will be used. Those accused of aggressions or microagressions against academic freedom will be publicly identified (the identity of the accuser(s) will not be revealed). The accused will not be informed of the specifics of the accusations, only that they have been reported. During the hearing the accused will not be allowed representation, either by a legal representative or faculty/staff.
NOTE: The administration has accepted the above proposal. However, they have added an addendum stating that all cases will be adjudicated by a three member committee, with one member from each of these constituencies: the Bias Response Team, postmodernist literature professors, and the faculty of the Women's Studies Department.
Related:
http://president.ubc.ca/files/2015/10/Summary-of-Process-and-ConclusionsFinal.pdf)
"...expressed its intention to hire an academic freedom specialist to work with faculty, staff, and governors to ensure that academic freedom is safeguarded and preserved at UBC." The specialist "will provide advice, education, and counsel regarding all issues involving academic freedom." "
Mike at June 23, 2016 2:08 PM
Look up 8 USC 1324a, and see what luck you have with that.
So...these universities are going to hire illegal, excuse me, unauthorized aliens to staff their every growing BIPR work force?
I R A Darth Aggie at June 23, 2016 2:52 PM
I'm getting weary of political theater; exaggerated bias claims to stimulate government regulation, sit-ins in the capital to force votes on non-existent legislation, government shut downs, etc.
It has gotten so bad that even our elected officials have given up on governing and are merely posturing to score virtue points with a partisan base.
We the people need to decide that we're no longer putting up with clowns and confidence men sitting in high office. Elevating Trump and Sanders is not the cure, but it is a sign that people have reached, or are reaching, the breaking point.
Conan the Grammarian at June 23, 2016 4:32 PM
"Moral narcissism is about being more concerned with the cleanliness of your hands than with how your conduct shapes the lives around you." ~ Kwame Anthony Appiah
Conan the Grammarian at June 23, 2016 8:05 PM
"So...these universities are going to hire illegal, excuse me, unauthorized aliens to staff their every growing BIPR work force?"
Missed it by that much.
My wish for good luck lies with the idea that you could insist that your government enforce existing law prohibiting employers from hiring illegals.
Nationwide.
That law's right there. Why not use it?
Radwaste at June 24, 2016 2:23 AM
In the I-never-thought-of-that realm of statistics:
If you have two hands, you have more than the average number of hands.
Radwaste at June 24, 2016 2:24 AM
To be fair Radwaste the average american is quite odd having one breast and one testicle.
Ben at June 24, 2016 5:14 AM
One Anus Clapping would be a good opening act for The Butthole Surfers.
JD at June 24, 2016 5:45 PM
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