"Old Bag Like Me!" A Woman Encouraging Other Women To Let Themselves Go
There's a piece in The New York Times by Ashton Applewhite that bespeaks a screaming ignorance of evolutionary psychology.
For a brief review of that (see my columns for more): Men and women have different mating imperatives -- different mating psychology that comes out of our physiological differences. Men prioritize finding a young, beautiful woman (reflecting health and fertility); women prioritize finding men who are high-status "providers."
The headline of Applewhite's piece: "Working to Disarm Women's Anti-Aging Demon"
Applewhite writes:
A couple of years ago I had a light bulb moment. So many women color their hair to cover the gray. Many resent the effort and expense, and it's a major way in which we make ourselves invisible as older women. When a group is invisible, so are the issues that affect it. Suppose the world saw how many we are, and how beautiful, I mused. Suppose we morphed together, in solidarity: the Year of Letting Our Hair Go Gray! It would be transformative!
Then, remembering to be all PC, she writes:
We each have to age in our own way on whatever terms work for us.
Heh.
What Applewhite is engaging in, whether she consciously understands it or not, is a form of female intrasexual competition. In this case, she is encouraging the competition to stop being so competitive with "Hey, I'm going lazy on dying my hair -- let's all agree to go gray!"
Now, some women look great with gray hair -- I have one of these friends who was a blonde originally. Most women, however, do not. They look tired and old.
I loved tweeting this to some doctor -- @WendyDoranMD -- who tweeted this story:
So, is it just bad to "pass for younger" if you're dying yr hair--or should we also toss those nasty pills to combat aging-related disease? https://t.co/ZGcn1XQ5QU
— Amy Alkon (@amyalkon) November 4, 2017
Of course, women who are all cheering, "Yay, yay, let's go gray" are unlikely to leap for a man who lets himself go -- especially if he does it in the way women prioritize: in the status and money department.
The thing is, the way a man lets himself go is a little different. No, obviously, nobody wants a guy who, say, doesn't bathe. But what women really, really don't want is a man who quits his job to play video games on the couch in his mom's basement.
is this the male version of not taking care of one's appearance? Well...kinda...yeah.
More:
So, is it just bad to "pass for younger" if you're dying yr hair--or should we also toss those nasty pills to combat aging-related disease? https://t.co/ZGcn1XQ5QU
— Amy Alkon (@amyalkon) November 4, 2017
And then there was this:
I plan to be a hot old bag, thanks to French sunblock, bacon-based low-carb/high fat diet, and luck of birth. https://t.co/szbKHCVmJr
— Amy Alkon (@amyalkon) November 4, 2017
I am 80 years old and have long white hair and don't wear makup except SP15 lipstick. Most of my women friends are about my age, have very short blond hair, and spend hundreds a month and hours a day on their hair and makeup. I have been gently told that dying my hair and wearing makeup would make me look SO much younger. I do not tell them they bring to my mind the phrase "mutton dressed as lamb". To each her own.
I have sent Amy my picture to encourage her use of sunblock, and congratulate her for her good genes. It is wonderful to be a hot old bag !
Elizabeth Falkner at November 4, 2017 9:01 AM
There's something to be said for aging gracefully - if you have the genes for it.
And even if you don't, going overboard with the plastic surgery does not make you more attractive. A grandma, or any woman, with cheekbones that look like Madam's is not an attractive women. And don't get me started on chicken neck.
Conan the Grammarian at November 4, 2017 10:13 AM
I see all this from another perspective -- the one at Heartiste.
Women don't start out wanting to marry a guy with money. They typically spend most of their 20s chasing the best looking guys -- until suddenly each woman is forced to face the fact that the best looking guys no longer want her. This is known as "hitting the wall." Once they process that reality lesson (and for some it takes time), then they start looking for the guy with the patience to raise kids. And, of course, money.
The snowflakes who are always on about "male privilege" never talk about that situation, because if they did, they'd have to confront the other half of that reality, namely: the average (non-exceptional) man has never in his life been readily able to date the women he thinks are his equals. They've all been "too good for him" while they ride the carousel. But once they hit the wall, now they expect him to settle? Check YOUR privilege, honey!
This is why men are shunning marriage.
jdgalt at November 4, 2017 10:59 AM
I realized that as one gets older, if you wear a pile of makeup -- especially if you are a redhead wearing it -- well, there's a Bozo effect at best, and at worst, that clown from the recent horror movie.
Long white hair is what my friend has. Mostly white, still a bit blonde, but she looks great, as do some older women I've seen who don't dye theirs. Others just look old. It's one thing if you don't care about your appearance enough to put in effort to look your best -- if you knowingly make that tradeoff -- but contending that it's a good idea for other women is probably, as I noted covert intrasexual competition. (Bring down the group's attractiveness and you're more attractive by comparison.)
It's especially awful to encourage women to just let it all hang out at a time when women increasingly want to -- and need to -- work into their 70s and 80s. People tend not to want to hire older people. Looking older but like you take care of yourself helps. It suggests you have the ENERGY to take care of yourself.
Amy Alkon at November 4, 2017 11:02 AM
The rules are totally different for women who are looking and women already in a relationship. A guy does not want to be constantly defending his mate because she is still working to look as hot as possible.
PhilipKukulski at November 4, 2017 11:09 AM
Why do so many older women have those short, curly hairdos that look like pubic hair?
When I was a kid a lot of little old ladies dyed their hair light blue or pink. You'd see the little blue-hairs tooling down the road in their Rambler Americans or Studebaker Larks, their heads barely high enough to see over the steering wheel.
Ken R at November 4, 2017 11:20 AM
I dont see any screaming evidence of ignoring evolutionary psychology.
Mate attracting behavior doesn't really work and there is no purpose to it once a woman is past child bearing years.
A guy has to like you for something else once you are past 50.
Men like sex, and most of them like women. The good ones love their wives and conpanions even if they dont look ten or twenty years younger than their physical age.
I do color my hair because I inherited that weird northern European British thing where you start out with light brown hair with red highlights that gradually turns to volcanic mud as you age. I wish my hair was grey. It would look decidedly less weird than my unnatural looking natural color.
I inherited my mothers freckles and fair complexion but not her beautiful red hair.
The older I get the less makeup I wear. Most days a bit of powder base is all.
Im never going to be the 8 I was when I was 20 years old but I dont have to be. I need to be fit and strong so I can do the things I want to do and the things my husband wants to do.
I have found that with men and women in their 50's and up, their looks reflect their health. The non smoker, non drinker, non druggie is going to look decades younger than their counterpart who burns the candle at both ends. No amount of makeup and hair dye is going to paper that over.
Isab at November 4, 2017 11:50 AM
I'm about 7 years older than my husband. It's highly unlikely that he would have approached me if he'd known my age beforehand since be I looked (and still look) his age or a tad younger. Pray the initial attraction however I don't think it influences him at all. That said he would (and does) expect that I will take pride in my appearance and I feel the same way with him.
Unfortunately, I started graying early ( downside of my genetics). I'll continue dying my hair for tyhe foreseeable future. Gray dfoesnt look so good on me.
N at November 4, 2017 12:39 PM
Women dying their hair face a problem:when they reach an age where their hair clearly must be gray, and there's not a gray hair in sight, they look ridiculous. And there's no graceful way out - either they keep on, looking ever more ridiculous, or they go for a sudden transition - which takes a lot of guts.
a_random_guy at November 4, 2017 3:58 PM
Women dying their hair face a problem:when they reach an age where their hair clearly must be gray, and there's not a gray hair in sight, they look ridiculous. And there's no graceful way out - either they keep on, looking ever more ridiculous, or they go for a sudden transition - which takes a lot of guts.
a_random_guy at November 4, 2017 3:58 PM
And with a clever plastic surgeon you will never be sure of what that age is. I have some friends who started going grey in their 20's. My husband will be 60 next month and he has grey hairs in his sideburns but still has a full head of dark hair.
The tell to a bad dye job is hair all the same color. Hair is lighter on top and darker underneath especially if you are a natural blond, brunette or red head.
(Side note: When I was ten years old in the mid sixties, pink lip stick was all the rage. Even at ten, I was self aware enough to realize the it looked terrible on me. Even as a teenager I didn't wear lipstick at all until styles changed and they started producing it in the brown coral colors that didnt make me look like Bozo the Clown. )
There are a couple of other options to cold turkey with hair color. Go lighter and lighter until it grows out to match or do a reverse frost.
You can also use temporary color and do less and less until your grey/white hair grows out to the length you keep it.
The only women who look ridiculous with colored hair in my opinion are those who go too dark, pick an unnatural shade, or go heavy on the makeup which creates the clown factor.
There are a certain number of us who have reached an age where our give a shit factor about what a man 30 years younger thinks of our hair color (or anything else) is below zero.
We dont care what you think ( and you shouldn't either)
Isab at November 4, 2017 5:57 PM
Isab,
I have aunts in China whose age can only be vaguely said as Born before WWII ended and they still dye their hair, although, their color of choice is in the Auburn range.
It's like that's the acceptable hair color for women who reach a certain age and/or a certain position in the social/corporate ladder.
Sixclaws at November 4, 2017 9:47 PM
"Most days a bit of powder base is all."
I suggest that the brands Alliant and Vihtavuori help you radiate that air of confidence... appreciated here!
Radwaste at November 4, 2017 9:53 PM
Does not apply to me or my husband. He is FAR more attractive than me (I? -- his grammar is better, too) I married for brains and excellent character. He is neither rich nor powerful. I have supported our family for all but six out of twenty-five years of marriage. I'm not attractive. And these days I'm fat, he is/isn't. My hair is graying. I wear no make-up. We are NOT gushy or romantic. We support each other's endeavors. Ok, this is gushy (but true): Every day I love him more. I can't imagine being with anybody else.
ccziv at November 4, 2017 11:27 PM
"Most days a bit of powder base is all."
I suggest that the brands Alliant and Vihtavuori help you radiate that air of confidence... appreciated here!
Radwaste at November 4, 2017 9:53 PM
VV is a bit on the pricy side but I like N340 for reloading 9mm.
Used to use a lot of Bullseye for .45 but have recently switched to Winchester WST.
*Powder Base also known as foundation. Not to be confused with double based powder purchsed from your local gun store.
You are right though Rad. A good powder behind a Hornady 115g XTP gives me all the confidence I need. :-).
Isab at November 5, 2017 3:04 AM
Women dying their hair face a problem:when they reach an age where their hair clearly must be gray, and there's not a gray hair in sight, they look ridiculous.
a_random_guy at November 4, 2017 3:58 PM
__________________________________________
True, especially if they were foolish enough to get prematurely wrinkled by too much time in the sun. But, I suspect this trick works for SOME not-so-wrinkled women - they only dye SOME of the gray.
lenona at November 5, 2017 2:35 PM
ccziv, loved that post.
Ken R said: "Why do so many older women have those short, curly hairdos that look like pubic hair?"
Because short, straight hair on women only looks well on young women - and not even on them, necessarily. And long hair often looks dowdy on women over 50.
Or, as a comic strip character said (not verbatim): "cutting hair is easier than losing 10 pounds - and it doesn't grow back as fast either!"
lenona at November 5, 2017 2:58 PM
"Because short, straight hair on women only looks well on young women - and not even on them, necessarily. And long hair often looks dowdy on women over 50"
Also it is easy care. Get to be 92 and have arthritis in your hands and fingers, and see how much time YOU want to spend messing with your hair.
Isab at November 5, 2017 5:37 PM
Mate attracting behavior doesn't really work and there is no purpose to it once a woman is past child bearing years.
Sure there is, biological impulses are just that, just because you are fictionally sterile doesnt mean the person who thinks you look hot will refuse to approach you
lujlp at November 6, 2017 8:37 AM
that should say 'functionally sterile' god damn auto correct
lujlp at November 6, 2017 3:33 PM
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