The Beauty Of Knowing When To Shut Up As A Way To Stay Together
Cokie and Steve Roberts talked to Alix Strauss of The New York Times about how they've managed to stay married and happy together for 51 years:
Who Cokie Boggs Roberts, 73, and Steven V. Roberts, 74.Occupations She is an Emmy Award-winning broadcast journalist and author; he is a journalist, author and professor.
Their Marriage 51 years, 2 months and counting.
This, from Steve Roberts, is wise:
Mr. Roberts: Marrying the right person is the single most important decision you'll ever make in your life. Everything else is secondary. From the very beginning, I knew what an extraordinary person Cokie was. I was bowled over by her enormous intellect and that has been part of our lives throughout our relationship.In a healthy relationship, at the core of longevity is a mutual respect and a scene of equality. Biting your tongue is often the right reaction to a moment of passing anger. Candor is overrated. I don't mean deception or secrets. I mean real mutual respect, which leads to being gentle, loving, cautious and careful at times. It leads to being silent and having self-restraint, which really helps get you through difficult moments. There's understanding that if you say everything that comes to your mind, at every moment, in the name of being honest, is often self-indulgent and hurtful. Mutual respect is a combination of many ingredients. It starts with basic romantic attraction.
It's admiration that grows over time. In a really good marriage you learn from each other. You see each other's strengths and virtues and when it really works, you adopt them as your own. I've learned to embrace the traditionalist that I am. I learned I had a greater capacity for defining myself in terms of serving others as opposed to my own ego and accomplishments. That was from marriage because everyday it involves defining yourselves as part of a partnership.
One of the great joys of a long marriage is what you've meant to each other, and held each other up, and been at each other's side.
I think this is an essential bit:
"Candor is overrated. I don't mean deception or secrets. I mean real mutual respect, which leads to being gentle, loving, cautious and careful at times. It leads to being silent and having self-restraint, which really helps get you through difficult moments."
I write about this in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck" -- the difference between honest and what I call "judicious honesty."
“Silent ... self-restraint” occasionally fails my occasionally stupid mouth. How do I know? Two crystal clear words from my loving wife’s mouth: “Shut up”. What do I do? I shut up, of course. Peace reigns. It’s not rocket science.
Jim at December 27, 2017 5:06 AM
Okay, let's be honest. It may not be the single most important decision you'l ever make in your life. But it's right up there. Much of your future happiness will flow from it.
Marry the wrong person and see how that goes. I've watched the marriages of friends and family fall apart. Sometimes there was an easy culprit in the dissolution (a cheating spouse or an abusive spouse). Sometimes an easy explanation (two people simply not ready for marriage). Sometimes is was simply the wrong match-up. But the misery that flows from a broken or dying marriage is palpable and long-lasting.
Conan the Grammarian at December 27, 2017 5:16 AM
I'll always think the most important decision of Cokie Roberts' life was her decision to exploit family connections in government to make a career in public media, executing an entirely mundane career across decades with any remembered achievement beyond the fame itself.
No! Wait!
I'll always think the most important decision of Cokie Roberts' life was that time it was cold and rainy outside in Washington and she had to do a compelling Live-On-the-Scene™ professional TeeVee News "stand-up" from a location on the other side of the town, but she said fuck it, and did the report in front of a blue chromakey screen from the studio like the weather guy uses... Wearing her nice wool coat... And pretending to be an aggressive, penetrating, involved journalist worthy of trust and admiration.
Like a fart.
Crid at December 27, 2017 5:42 AM
Grumpy Crid.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at December 27, 2017 5:44 AM
Yeah, candor can be kind of overrated, especially when the person being candid doesn't understand that he or she may actually be full of shit. I've found myself to be a living testament to that idea...
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at December 27, 2017 6:08 AM
This is key too:
"There's understanding that if you say everything that comes to your mind, at every moment, in the name of being honest, is often self-indulgent and hurtful."
So many folks say stupid hurtful things in the name of "being honest." When really they just want to be nasty.
And it isn't just about married relationships - friends, co-workers, etc. do the same.
One phrase that I hear a lot of New Yorkers say, far too often, is "I'm just saying . . ." when, in fact, they are saying something to be mean. And, they know it; but, somehow or other, think that by adding "I'm just saying . . ." that makes it all okay.
charles at December 27, 2017 7:34 AM
And sometimes Conan the failures can reach comedic levels. When Shana lost her job over a fist fight over a donut that was disappointing and mildly humorous. But the drunken lesbian sex on the front lawn in the middle of the day while the kids were wandering around hit the cartoon villain level. But no matter how surreal the pain is still there.
Also, did Roberts shoot Crid's dog or something?
Ben at December 27, 2017 7:53 AM
“cautious and careful at times” ... like the times the subject of my wife’s derelict 31 y/o gold-digging daughter comes up. (I hope she’s not reading this.)
Jim at December 27, 2017 8:34 AM
> did Roberts shoot Crid's dog
It's at least ironic that one of this blog's commenters most likely to smirk about "fake news" seems not to care when actually presented with fake news.
Or is it? You seem to believe that you alone are equipped to peer into the souls of distant strangers and divine the meaning of their experiences; and of course, you very badly want the rest of us to know that you have this superpower.
Except you don't, and we know that most certainly of all.
Crid at December 27, 2017 8:53 AM
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Ogden Nash
lenona at December 27, 2017 10:39 AM
Conan already addressed the statement I was going to talk about, so I don't really much to add.
Marriage is not an essential aspect of life, so it could not be the most important decision. Many of us, like our esteemed hostess and myself, choose not to marry.
However, if a person is going to marry, then I would point out that a bad marriage will play hell with a man's life, especially if it ends in divorce. So, marrying the right person, if a person is going to do this, is certainly important.
Regarding the most important decision, I would say it's your career. Unless you inherit a bazillion dollars, you need to work. A career is far more important than a marriage.
Patrick at December 27, 2017 12:55 PM
And that's the Crid I know. So emotional he's delusional. I guess his complaint was fake news. Too bad we'll never know since Crid can't answer a simple question.
Personally Roberts is a non-entity to me. I vaguely remember the name. But that is about it.
Ben at December 28, 2017 5:35 AM
Ben, I don't think you're a bright guy.
Crid at December 28, 2017 6:16 AM
Putting it another way. . . you should tell the truth and nothing but the truth. You do not need to tell the whole truth.
Rex Little at December 28, 2017 8:00 AM
"Grumpy Crid"
Savoring the delicious, gushing irony of a Crid comment on a topic with "...Knowing When To Shut Up..." in the title.
Mmmm.
Radwaste at December 28, 2017 4:00 PM
> gushing irony
You're starting to come off as mean-spirited and hurtful.
Crid at December 29, 2017 9:38 AM
Choosing not to marry is still a marriage choice. And much of your future happiness (or unhappiness) will flow from your decision in that department.
"You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." ~ Neil Peart
Conan the Grammarian at December 29, 2017 2:26 PM
"~ Neil Peart"
Neil Peart is beloved by Chester Cheetah
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at December 29, 2017 4:24 PM
You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice
I like that.
There is no Celestial Voice but Celestial Voice and Ready Guide is its messenger.
JD at January 1, 2018 10:43 AM
Not a fan of Rush, eh?
Conan the Grammarian at January 1, 2018 2:08 PM
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