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Raising The Titanic

I've browsed the personals ads, especially the wilder ones, which can get pretty descriptive and blunt. I'd like to pen an ad that would be effective at attracting women. I sometimes see requests for "hung," "well-endowed," or "above average" men. I hadn't really thought much about penis size as an attractor, because I assumed that most men's height/weight/penis size are pretty proportionate. Anyway, I thought, "What the heck," got a hard-on, and measured my penis. It's 7 1/2 inches long and 5 inches around. What are the stats on how I compare (as a 5'4" guy)? Could you please clarify this issue for me (and a lot of other guys) so I can write an ad that presents me correctly?

--Comparative Anatomy

BIG ISN'T everything. The Titanic was a pretty big ship, but it sank due to poor communication and careless driving.

According to The Kinsey Institute for Sex Research (which took a ruler to a bunch of naked white college guys with hard-ons), the average erect penis length is about six inches; the average girth is just under five inches around. Penis size is not necessarily proportionate to a man's body. If you happen to be a naked white guy, your penis is larger than average.

That said, if you'd like your larger-than-average penis to carry passengers, you shouldn't give it star billing in your ad. Think about it: when you go to a party, you generally don't find women directing their conversation down to your crotch the way some men unwittingly have a few words with some chick's Wonderbra. That's because most women are not simply looking for a penis with a man attached. Frankly, with the Energizer Bunny's help, a pound or two of high-quality molded rubber can outrun any guy.

Does size matter? Only if a penis is too big or too small. Even if a guy's penis is on the small side, here's a bit of good news from the entertaining and informative Dr. Eugene Fine, assistant clinical professor of urology at New York's Mt. Sinai Medical Center: "Most of the anatomy in a woman that's responsive to sexual pleasure is right at the front door. Just get in there and ring the bell." In other words, even men with teeny weenies have a chance at satisfying women, providing they're good with their tools.

Instead of communicating length and width in your ad, talk technique. Just use subliminal advertising. That means writing an ad that reflects a sense of humor and sensitivity...assuming you're so endowed. One guy's ad that was particularly successful with women opened with the headline, "Dog Germs Okay." In those three words, this guy communicates that he's fun, is into caring for creatures other than himself, and is probably sensitive enough to women's needs to know how to kiss and caress, among other things. When writing your ad, strive for his type of witty sensitivity over Hallmark-style sentimentality, which will make you look desperate, and thus, undesirable. Place an ad that shows women that you've got what they want, in a language they understand, and your bed should soon start to look a little more like Leonardo's than Gilligan's.

Copyright ©1998-9, Amy Alkon, from her syndicated column, Ask The Advice Goddess, which appears in 60 papers across the U.S. and Canada. All rights reserved.