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How To Grow Hair On Your Chest

I'm a young guy; fairly intelligent, kind, and funny. Friends say I'm "somewhat sexy," but I haven't had a girlfriend since the second grade. Whenever I meet a girl I'm attracted to, I usually put off expressing my attraction until we are good enough friends that such an advance would be awkward. The few times I've been pretty sure that a girl has been interested in me, she moved on because I didn't make any moves. I think I need to be more aggressive, but I'm not naturally so, and I really don't want to send that message. What should I do?

--Boy Friend

POOR BOY. Sounds like you took a wrong turn at the women's movement, the men's movement, or both, and morphed into a girlfriend with male parts and accessories. Unfortunately, women tend not to have sex with their girlfriends unless they are lesbians. And precious few lesbians are going to have anything to do with a penis that didn't come out of a catalog.

To get more than friendship from hetero girls, rub a little Rogaine on your personality, and channel your hairy primate ancestors. Your role model is The Cave Guy -- the hairy, chest-pounding, club-dragging brute who tears raw meat off the bone with his teeth...when he isn't too busy leaving the toilet seat up. Get my drift?

For pointers, get your paws on some porn for girls. Not the video variety. The age-old kind, found in plain view in your grocery superstore next to the brown-paper-wrapped Orgasmopolitan: The Harlequin romance. Most, if not all, are filled with scenes of women getting "ravished" by men. Consider these books your syllabus. Contrary to propaganda from the movement to turn all men into Alan Alda, women want men who are aggressors. Chances are, even Alan Alda doesn't act like Alan Alda, if he knows what's good for him. If Alda wants to score chicks, he probably doesn't leave the house without putting on a Clint Eastwood mask.

Next comes group therapy. Enlist a group of your gal pals to teach you what women want. Have them take you though the motions of a date from start to finish, tell you what moves to make, and when. Then get a guy friend or group of guy friends to do the same. Here's my Cliff Notes version: Start by using the code that tells a girl that you are interested in more than listening to her problems with guys she IS sleeping with. The key word here is DATE. Ask her out for an appointment that cannot be mistaken for anything other than a date. That means seeing her after dark. Alcohol should be involved. Alcohol and moonlight are the jumper cables of romance.

Ask her about herself. Listen. Do not try to solve her problems. Don't grab her breast in the first 20 minutes. But do touch her...subtly. Put your hand on her back as you enter the restaurant, touch her hand to make a point. If she pulls her arm away as if you've just given her a third-degree burn, she probably isn't interested in you as anything more than a girlfriend who's a little butch. But, if she just seems a little shy, keep trying...leading up to attempts to kiss her, and eventually suck face, and more. Don't be afraid to take action. Seduction is not supposed to feel like waiting for a bus that never comes. And rejection is merely the price of having girlfriends instead of girl friends.

Copyright ©2000, Amy Alkon, from her syndicated column, Ask The Advice Goddess, which appears in 60 papers across the U.S. and Canada. All rights reserved.