The Official Amy Alkon Website

All About Amy
New Columns
Really Old Columns
Goddess Blog
Amy's Book Picks
Amy's Links
Love Letters
The Pink Rambler
Contact Info


Girls Won't Budge For Pudge

I'm an average-looking guy in my early forties, with no hair on top, and a bit of pudge around the middle. My income is also average, and many people would consider my life boring. It appears that there are two kinds of women -- those I am attracted to and those I can get. The women who are drawn to me are always damaged or seem all used up. They lack hope, discipline, and conviction. They don't care about beauty or the arts. They're most interested in what's on TV. These women are poor substitutes for the kind of woman who makes my heart pound -- one with beauty, wisdom, kindness, understanding, and a radiance that comes from healthy eating and moderate living. So what's the intelligent, responsible thing to do -- keep trying for a woman who truly excites me? Admit that I don't have what it takes to attract the women I really want, then make do with those who are available to me? Or just resign myself to a solitary existence?

--The Most Frustrated Guy In The World

AS A PICKUP LINE, "Hey, baby, wanna rub my paunch?" is unlikely to tear a hot young actress/model/spokeswaitress away from her boystud and send her careening into your arms. But, look to a woman who has what you have -- no hair on top and a bit of pudge around the middle -- and you might find yourself in business. Find some charm and turn it on, and you might even land a woman with hair.

With or without hair, whenever the territory you're eyeing seems to require years of occupation by a team of therapists, keep out. Keep looking. If you regularly attend arts events and are constantly on the make (even in your sleep), you might, from time to time, run into one wise, happy, cultured woman who eats moderate portions of food. Just don't expect to stumble into her at every turn. And unless her resemblance to Heather Graham ends at being female, don't expect her to like you back.

If, over time, you are unable find inspiration in less-than-supermodelicious packages, work on your own packaging: Grow hair, buy hair, wheatgrass away the pudge. It would help, too, to develop a valued talent, such as being very, very, very good in bed. A Ferrari wouldn't hurt either.

Even with these efforts, and more, you may still end up alone. But, once you close the wounded duck shelter, at least you won't find yourself alone while sitting next to your significant other in front of the alone that's significantly more lonely than sitting around by yourself with a bag of Cheetos, a bottle of Pale Ale, and this month's editions of "Juggs" and "Art & Antiques."

Copyright ©2001, Amy Alkon, from her syndicated column, Ask The Advice Goddess, which appears in 60 papers across the U.S. and Canada. All rights reserved.