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Zen Fascism
For the past six months I've been seeing this guy off and on. I've told him I
love him and he says he loves me. The only problem is that he is always
talking about how spiritual he is (not religious.). We get into arguments all
the time because he tries to tell me how I should be. He tells me that I'm
negative; that I need to become a better woman; and he tries to tell me how I
feel. I'm the first to admit that I'm not perfect, but sometimes he acts as
if I'm the worst person in the world. Yet, every time we break up he comes
back to me and says that I'm not a bad person. I'm so confused. This guy is
always contradicting everything he says. He hates to be wrong. I love him
though. I know it sounds lame, but I do. I'm at the point where I'm tired of
crying. This relationship is not healthy for me. How do I keep him out of my
life for good? --Heartbroken
INFORM DEEPAK BOYFRIEND that you're going off for ten years to get your aura
recalibrated, and suggest that he occupy himself in your absence by pelting
crystals carved into acorns at hungry squirrels and forcing little old ladies
across the street at gunpoint.
Although the guy has been working overtime to pawn himself off as
post-mortal, his methods give him away: He's about two incense burnings away
from erecting a highway billboard advertising his spiritual superiority. He
claims to love you, but he can't stop chanting about all the things you need
to change. (What exactly does he love about you...the way you hang the toilet
paper?) Although you yourself admit that your consciousness (like
everybody's) could do with a lift or two, his Zen Fascism doesn't seem to be
doing the job. Frankly, if enduring a string of put-downs were the ticket to
Nirvana, the flight path to enlightenment would be extremely short, and would
include a mandatory half-hour layover on Howard Stern.
A big clue to your boyfriend's motivation is his use of the New-Age buzz word
"negativity." Personally, I find that no one ever expresses unsolicited
concern about how "negative" I am until I remind them that they owe me money.
The balance sheet adds up about the same in this case. The guy is terribly
insecure. By focusing on what's wrong with you, he's hoping that you'll be
too preoccupied to decide that he's merely a larva in a man-suit.
Still, you can't blame him for your unhappiness. The moment he started
channeling Mussolini, you should have set boundaries for what behavior you
would and wouldn't accept from him and stuck to them. In the spirit of living
in the moment, start now. Tell your self-appointed guru that you're not too
sure who you might have been in a past life, but that you don't intend to
continue being his doormat in this one. Then, burn a little sage (or just
singe some parsley) and chant his negativity out of your life with one of
these less-than-zen mantras: "It's over, ya big meanie," "Goodbye, guru-boy,"
or my personal favorite -- "Get lost, Ayatollah Khomeini, Jr."
Copyright ©1998-9, Amy Alkon, from her syndicated column, Ask The Advice Goddess, which appears in 60 papers across the U.S. and Canada. All rights reserved.
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