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Lions And Tigers And Bares
I am wondering how I am going to find my soulmate when I am so scared to get
close to anyone. I either push men away from me or run away from them. I'm
almost in my thirties, and I don't want to be single forever. I know I should
stop doing this, but I did not have a happy, loving childhood and I'm sure
that is part of the reason for my behavior, and the reason I don't feel
comfortable or safe getting romantically involved with men. What should I do? --Single File
SAY YOUR MOM was valedictorian of the Wicked Witch Of The West School Of
Parenting. You can sit around bemoaning your miserable childhood until
monkeys fly, but it won't transform you into a happy adult. Since it's
unlikely that the guys you're dating are in the habit of forgetting to pick
you up from ballet lessons, spanking you with a wooden spoon, or sending you
to your room without dessert when you don't finish your green beans, it makes
no sense for you to relate to them as you'd relate to your mean mother.
Chances are, you give men you date a preemptive shove-off because you're
terrified of rejection; probably because you see it as a confirmation of your
mother's notion that you're merely a lump of coal masquerading as a person.
Rejection should instead be taken at face value -- that a relationship
between you and someone else didn't work out. It hurts, but it will not cause
your hair to fall out, your head to fly off, or the earth to spin out of its
orbit and crash into Saturn. It's the price of (eventually) finding love. You
should either embrace the probability that you'll get dumped, or you should
lock your doors, plant yourself in a rocking chair, and devote the rest of
your life to determining whether Efferdent really does get the blueberry
stain off dentures.
If you decide to risk rejection, take relationships very slowly and be frank
about your track record as a frequent runaway. You probably won't mend your
ways, however, until you come to love and accept yourself, hairy moles and
all, simply because you exist. (Getting to that point needn't involve doofy
conversations with your mirror or Post-It affirmations like those that Dating
Game host Chuck Woolery has stuck on his, including "You look great today!"
and "Your hair is perfect!") Instead, take a look at yourself: Could you
imagine, if you were created by Nintendo, how much you'd go for at Toys 'R
Us? Good. Now give yourself a big, wet kiss.
Once you've dispensed with the foreplay, it's time to get naked...in the name
of personal growth. Your assignment is to do everything you can to get
rejected. Pick out a handful of your most embarrassing moments and reveal
them to people, laughing at your blunders all the while. For graduate level
work, don a gorilla mask and approach men on the street and ask them out on
dates. (If you get a few takers, don't blame me.) Do this until you begin to
find rejection hilarious (or, at least, a roaring bore), or until you get
chased down the street by zoo keepers, whichever comes first.
Copyright ©1998-9, Amy Alkon, from her syndicated column, Ask The Advice Goddess, which appears in 60 papers across the U.S. and Canada. All rights reserved.
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